Monday, February 13, 2006 at 12:12am
Irony: divorce is the perfect time to learn about love
Column: Writing Down Your Soul
It's ironic, isn't it, that we learn about love, real love, going through a divorce? The truth is neither my husband nor I understood love fully in our marriage. If we had, we would have recognized the union wasn't built on real love, and would have either shifted to a more loving state or ended the relationship. But we didn't. Or couldn't. We just kept working and working and working to make it a little better — or a little more bearable.
Learning about love is hardly the expected outcome of a divorce. For most people, divorce seems to be more about learning to hate. I certainly wallowed in my fair share of hate. At the beginning of my divorce, I ranted endlessly about the evils of marriage. In my mind, marriage wasn't just bad; it was a form of slavery. I was adamant that I would never — never! — have another relationship. But three years later, I realized I might, just might, have learned enough about myself, and yes, enough about love, to be ready to try again. But, before I asked my friends to find me a date, I wanted to be absolutely certain I knew what I wanted, that I knew what love looked like and how love acted, so I wouldn't — couldn't — make another mistake. I decided to start with God.
It is imperative that we understand what we are asking for when we ask Spirit to send us a new partner. I don't mean the irrelevant data in the personals like height, weight, interest in movies, sports, or hobbies. I mean the real information, the critical information — the info that makes the difference. If we aren't clear about what we want, rest assured, the universe will just send the previous lover, in a different package perhaps, but he or she will bring the same issues, the same conflicts, the same struggles.
When I have a problem to solve, I always discuss it with God in my sacred journal. So I picked up a pen and began to describe the kind of love I wanted.
When your definition of love is created in dialogue with Spirit, you can trust that it's the truth. You're not going to get away with bamboozling God. I know. I tried. At first, I attempted to write a "personal ad" of sorts in my journal. I tried to list the standard things like appearance, religion, and financial security, but the words kept changing in front of me until they came out like this: Race doesn't matter; being comfortable in his skin does. Religion doesn't matter; having a relationship with God does. Income doesn't matter; being at peace with money does. Less honest words just wouldn't stick to the page.
I liked these ideas, but I needed more help. I remembered that I'd written a prayer about love as a gift to a young woman who had done hard, transformative work in our women's group. In the prayer, "The Man in the Moon," a frightened woman asks God, "Who will love me now?" and the man in the moon, in the form of a three-inch gold mercury glass Christmas tree ornament with sparkling eyes and knowing smile, helps her answer that question. Here are three stanzas from the prayer:
Who looks at me with love?
Whose eyes sparkle gazing at me?
Who sees me as I am:
the whole me, the real me, the tears and fears, confusion and complaints?
Who sees me and loves me anyway?
The man in the moon.
Who tells me I am precious and important?
Who whispers in the night that all shall be well?
Whose presence is immutable, faith unfaltering,
joy immeasurable, smile unfathomable, peace impenetrable?
Who sees me and loves me for who I am?
The man in the moon.
Who reminds me that I can be loved without losing myself?
That I must choose love that doesn't cost myself?
Who knows that the real lover:
respects himself, and therefore respects me,
honors himself, and therefore honors me,
is truthful to himself, and therefore is truthful to me,
seeks his own solutions, and therefore does not seek to find mine,
who loves himself, and therefore can love me?
The man in the moon.
There, in a prayer I thought was a gift for someone else, was the perfect definition of my perfect lover. There was my perfect "personal ad," wrapped up and ready for delivery to the universe.
Now, you try. In your spiritual travels to heal your broken heart, what have you learned about love? What do you now know to be irrevocably true of a healthy, happy, holy relationship? If you're not sure, ask God. Spirit knows a thing or two about love:
"In love there is no room for fear, but perfect love drives out fear, because fear implies punishment and no one who is afraid has come to perfection in love." (1 John 4:18)
And...
"Love is patient, love is kind; love is never jealous; love is not boastful or conceited, it is never rude and never seeks to store up grievances. Love does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but finds its joy in the truth. It is always ready to make allowances, to trust, to hope and to endure whatever comes." (1 Corinthians 13: 4-7)
Well, Pilgrim, are you ready to have a new relationship - a real love relationship? Begin by writing your personal description of love. But take care. What you declare is what you will attract.
— — —
Janet Conner, S.E. (Spiritual Explorer), is an expert on the power of practical spirituality to heal your broken heart and transform your world. She is the cartographer of the map of spiritual healing and author of the seven travel guides in the Spiritual Geographyseries. In addition to divine dialogue, she welcomes human conversation at {email janetconner@tampabay.rr.com}janetconner@tampabay.rr.com{/email}. © copyright 2006 by Janet Conner.
— — —
UPI Religion & Spirituality Forum is a big tent for all expressions
of faith and spirituality, neither excluding nor favoring any.
All opinions expressed belong to the writer alone, and are
not necessarily shared by UPI Religion & Spirituality Forum.
Learning about love is hardly the expected outcome of a divorce. For most people, divorce seems to be more about learning to hate. I certainly wallowed in my fair share of hate. At the beginning of my divorce, I ranted endlessly about the evils of marriage. In my mind, marriage wasn't just bad; it was a form of slavery. I was adamant that I would never — never! — have another relationship. But three years later, I realized I might, just might, have learned enough about myself, and yes, enough about love, to be ready to try again. But, before I asked my friends to find me a date, I wanted to be absolutely certain I knew what I wanted, that I knew what love looked like and how love acted, so I wouldn't — couldn't — make another mistake. I decided to start with God.
It is imperative that we understand what we are asking for when we ask Spirit to send us a new partner. I don't mean the irrelevant data in the personals like height, weight, interest in movies, sports, or hobbies. I mean the real information, the critical information — the info that makes the difference. If we aren't clear about what we want, rest assured, the universe will just send the previous lover, in a different package perhaps, but he or she will bring the same issues, the same conflicts, the same struggles.
When I have a problem to solve, I always discuss it with God in my sacred journal. So I picked up a pen and began to describe the kind of love I wanted.
When your definition of love is created in dialogue with Spirit, you can trust that it's the truth. You're not going to get away with bamboozling God. I know. I tried. At first, I attempted to write a "personal ad" of sorts in my journal. I tried to list the standard things like appearance, religion, and financial security, but the words kept changing in front of me until they came out like this: Race doesn't matter; being comfortable in his skin does. Religion doesn't matter; having a relationship with God does. Income doesn't matter; being at peace with money does. Less honest words just wouldn't stick to the page.
I liked these ideas, but I needed more help. I remembered that I'd written a prayer about love as a gift to a young woman who had done hard, transformative work in our women's group. In the prayer, "The Man in the Moon," a frightened woman asks God, "Who will love me now?" and the man in the moon, in the form of a three-inch gold mercury glass Christmas tree ornament with sparkling eyes and knowing smile, helps her answer that question. Here are three stanzas from the prayer:
Who looks at me with love?
Whose eyes sparkle gazing at me?
Who sees me as I am:
the whole me, the real me, the tears and fears, confusion and complaints?
Who sees me and loves me anyway?
The man in the moon.
Who tells me I am precious and important?
Who whispers in the night that all shall be well?
Whose presence is immutable, faith unfaltering,
joy immeasurable, smile unfathomable, peace impenetrable?
Who sees me and loves me for who I am?
The man in the moon.
Who reminds me that I can be loved without losing myself?
That I must choose love that doesn't cost myself?
Who knows that the real lover:
respects himself, and therefore respects me,
honors himself, and therefore honors me,
is truthful to himself, and therefore is truthful to me,
seeks his own solutions, and therefore does not seek to find mine,
who loves himself, and therefore can love me?
The man in the moon.
There, in a prayer I thought was a gift for someone else, was the perfect definition of my perfect lover. There was my perfect "personal ad," wrapped up and ready for delivery to the universe.
Now, you try. In your spiritual travels to heal your broken heart, what have you learned about love? What do you now know to be irrevocably true of a healthy, happy, holy relationship? If you're not sure, ask God. Spirit knows a thing or two about love:
"In love there is no room for fear, but perfect love drives out fear, because fear implies punishment and no one who is afraid has come to perfection in love." (1 John 4:18)
And...
"Love is patient, love is kind; love is never jealous; love is not boastful or conceited, it is never rude and never seeks to store up grievances. Love does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but finds its joy in the truth. It is always ready to make allowances, to trust, to hope and to endure whatever comes." (1 Corinthians 13: 4-7)
Well, Pilgrim, are you ready to have a new relationship - a real love relationship? Begin by writing your personal description of love. But take care. What you declare is what you will attract.
— — —
Janet Conner, S.E. (Spiritual Explorer), is an expert on the power of practical spirituality to heal your broken heart and transform your world. She is the cartographer of the map of spiritual healing and author of the seven travel guides in the Spiritual Geographyseries. In addition to divine dialogue, she welcomes human conversation at {email janetconner@tampabay.rr.com}janetconner@tampabay.rr.com{/email}. © copyright 2006 by Janet Conner.
UPI Religion & Spirituality Forum is a big tent for all expressions
of faith and spirituality, neither excluding nor favoring any.
All opinions expressed belong to the writer alone, and are
not necessarily shared by UPI Religion & Spirituality Forum.