Monday, February 27, 2006 at 1:01am
Nets for people who fall out of marriages
Column: Writing Down Your Soul
People in good marriages say the most important person in their life is their spouse. They say things like, "She is my best friend," or "he is my greatest supporter." Even if your marriage was a mirage, you probably felt that at least you weren't alone; at least you had someone to talk to, someone to lean on, someone to take out the garbage, someone to grocery shop - someone.
But what happens when you file for divorce? Not only is your spouse suddenly gone, everything seems to shift under your feet: your social network, your finances, your home, even your job. You can't help it: you feel like you are falling.
Do you know what is holding you up? Try this. Put your name in the middle of a page. Then, all around you, draw strings and label them with everything and everyone you thought was holding you up before the divorce. Make thick ropes between you and your strong supports and thin strings between you and your weak supports. Be honest. I'll show you mine. It looked like this:
Thick ropes — good income, adored child, successful business
Medium ropes — friends, investments, home
Weak ropes — husband
This picture illustrates how little external support I had. Do you see my original family in my picture? They were there in the background, but we didn't talk regularly. I was too busy. Notice what else is missing? There's no spiritual support, no learning, no passion, no dream. There was no time. What little energy remained after work was reserved for my son. There was not much for my husband and nothing for me.
Now, draw your picture. After you've completed your drawing, start clipping the strings between you and your weakest supports. Do you see why you feel like you're falling? You are!
To keep from hitting bottom so hard that you can't get up again, start building a support system that can hold you up. Ask yourself, "Who and what can help me?"
Here's a picture of all the people and systems that held me up for the four years of my divorce. They continue to be the rocks on which I build my life.
Thick ropes — my spiritual home, prayer, my purpose, my adored child, rich relationships with my family, a few true friends
Medium ropes — learning and reading, therapy for my son, therapy for me, financial support
Do you see the astonishing differences between my previous life and the life I built through the divorce? There's only one recurring theme: my deep abiding love for my child.
Now, draw yourself supported by everyone and everything you think will help you through your divorce. If you're not sure what to include, consider some of these support systems:
Therapy — I started therapy because the court ordered it. I was fortunate and fell into the arms of a great therapist who recommended I join her women's group. Initially I went because group therapy was inexpensive compared to individual appointments, but I experienced such healing and transformation that I continued in group therapy two years beyond the court order.
Alanon and Alcoholics Anonymous — If drugs and alcohol have been a part of the problem, find your local AA or Alanon meeting immediately. No organization has a better track record of improving behavior and helping people find peace.
Spiritual home — Do you have a church, synagogue, mosque, meditation group — some kind of spiritual center? Are you receiving answers, comfort, direction, and guidance in your spiritual community? If not, go looking for your true spiritual home. Don't stop until you find it.
Divorce recovery — Many churches, spiritual organizations, and civic centers offer divorce recovery workshops for free or a small donation.
Sacred journaling — I knew intuitively that journaling was improving my life, but it wasn't until I worked on my Spiritual Geography series, that I discovered a body of research that proves writing heals.
Therapy for your children — If I could play fairy godmother, I'd wave my magic wand and produce a kind, gentle, wise therapist for every child experiencing divorce.
Learning — Are you reading, learning, growing? If you're not sure where to start, ask your spiritual advisor, or therapist, or friends for guidance.
Family — Do you have sisters and brothers you can count on? When was the last time you had a real conversation with your mother or father? One of the many gifts of my divorce was reconnecting with everyone in my family, especially my mother.
Real friend — Many of the people you think are your friends are really just smiling faces in your social circle — a circle that is about to constrict and squeeze you out. Somewhere in your life, however, is a real friend — someone with whom you can be yourself, someone with whom you can really talk, someone who will listen. Find this real friend. You need him or her.
Work — When everything else is chaos, work can create a pattern in your life. If you are blessed to have a haven in your work, be grateful and treat your job well.
Even with strong ropes, you will still experience the sensation of falling. That's OK. If the ropes are connected to good people, strong ideas, and supportive organizations; they will s-t- r -e- t- c- h themselves out, but still stay connected to you. Even when you feel you are tumbling in the dark, you can reach out, grab on, and pull yourself back up a bit. These connections are your handholds, your ladder, your lights. Build a life with strong supports and you'll feel a little safer, a little more protected, a little more loved. You'll see that you are connected to something strong, something safe, something good.
— — —
Janet ConnerS.E. (Spiritual Explorer), is an expert on the power of practical spirituality to heal your broken heart and transform your world. She is the cartographer of the map of spiritual healing and author of the seven travel guides in the Spiritual Geographyseries. In addition to divine dialogue, she welcomes human conversation at {email janetconner@tampabay.rr.com}janetconner@tampabay.rr.com{/email}. © copyright 2006 by Janet Conner.
— — —
UPI Religion & Spirituality Forum is a big tent for all expressions
of faith and spirituality, neither excluding nor favoring any.
All opinions expressed belong to the writer alone, and are
not necessarily shared by UPI Religion & Spirituality Forum.
But what happens when you file for divorce? Not only is your spouse suddenly gone, everything seems to shift under your feet: your social network, your finances, your home, even your job. You can't help it: you feel like you are falling.
Do you know what is holding you up? Try this. Put your name in the middle of a page. Then, all around you, draw strings and label them with everything and everyone you thought was holding you up before the divorce. Make thick ropes between you and your strong supports and thin strings between you and your weak supports. Be honest. I'll show you mine. It looked like this:
Thick ropes — good income, adored child, successful business
Medium ropes — friends, investments, home
Weak ropes — husband
This picture illustrates how little external support I had. Do you see my original family in my picture? They were there in the background, but we didn't talk regularly. I was too busy. Notice what else is missing? There's no spiritual support, no learning, no passion, no dream. There was no time. What little energy remained after work was reserved for my son. There was not much for my husband and nothing for me.
Now, draw your picture. After you've completed your drawing, start clipping the strings between you and your weakest supports. Do you see why you feel like you're falling? You are!
To keep from hitting bottom so hard that you can't get up again, start building a support system that can hold you up. Ask yourself, "Who and what can help me?"
Here's a picture of all the people and systems that held me up for the four years of my divorce. They continue to be the rocks on which I build my life.
Thick ropes — my spiritual home, prayer, my purpose, my adored child, rich relationships with my family, a few true friends
Medium ropes — learning and reading, therapy for my son, therapy for me, financial support
Do you see the astonishing differences between my previous life and the life I built through the divorce? There's only one recurring theme: my deep abiding love for my child.
Now, draw yourself supported by everyone and everything you think will help you through your divorce. If you're not sure what to include, consider some of these support systems:
Therapy — I started therapy because the court ordered it. I was fortunate and fell into the arms of a great therapist who recommended I join her women's group. Initially I went because group therapy was inexpensive compared to individual appointments, but I experienced such healing and transformation that I continued in group therapy two years beyond the court order.
Alanon and Alcoholics Anonymous — If drugs and alcohol have been a part of the problem, find your local AA or Alanon meeting immediately. No organization has a better track record of improving behavior and helping people find peace.
Spiritual home — Do you have a church, synagogue, mosque, meditation group — some kind of spiritual center? Are you receiving answers, comfort, direction, and guidance in your spiritual community? If not, go looking for your true spiritual home. Don't stop until you find it.
Divorce recovery — Many churches, spiritual organizations, and civic centers offer divorce recovery workshops for free or a small donation.
Sacred journaling — I knew intuitively that journaling was improving my life, but it wasn't until I worked on my Spiritual Geography series, that I discovered a body of research that proves writing heals.
Therapy for your children — If I could play fairy godmother, I'd wave my magic wand and produce a kind, gentle, wise therapist for every child experiencing divorce.
Learning — Are you reading, learning, growing? If you're not sure where to start, ask your spiritual advisor, or therapist, or friends for guidance.
Family — Do you have sisters and brothers you can count on? When was the last time you had a real conversation with your mother or father? One of the many gifts of my divorce was reconnecting with everyone in my family, especially my mother.
Real friend — Many of the people you think are your friends are really just smiling faces in your social circle — a circle that is about to constrict and squeeze you out. Somewhere in your life, however, is a real friend — someone with whom you can be yourself, someone with whom you can really talk, someone who will listen. Find this real friend. You need him or her.
Work — When everything else is chaos, work can create a pattern in your life. If you are blessed to have a haven in your work, be grateful and treat your job well.
Even with strong ropes, you will still experience the sensation of falling. That's OK. If the ropes are connected to good people, strong ideas, and supportive organizations; they will s-t- r -e- t- c- h themselves out, but still stay connected to you. Even when you feel you are tumbling in the dark, you can reach out, grab on, and pull yourself back up a bit. These connections are your handholds, your ladder, your lights. Build a life with strong supports and you'll feel a little safer, a little more protected, a little more loved. You'll see that you are connected to something strong, something safe, something good.
— — —
Janet ConnerS.E. (Spiritual Explorer), is an expert on the power of practical spirituality to heal your broken heart and transform your world. She is the cartographer of the map of spiritual healing and author of the seven travel guides in the Spiritual Geographyseries. In addition to divine dialogue, she welcomes human conversation at {email janetconner@tampabay.rr.com}janetconner@tampabay.rr.com{/email}. © copyright 2006 by Janet Conner.
UPI Religion & Spirituality Forum is a big tent for all expressions
of faith and spirituality, neither excluding nor favoring any.
All opinions expressed belong to the writer alone, and are
not necessarily shared by UPI Religion & Spirituality Forum.