There isn't a lot of ground on which the myriad spiritual traditions converge. But they do all agree on this one thing: to achieve your spiritual goals, you must forgive. But forgiveness is such a rich, deep topic. Forgive what? Forgive whom? And, most complex, forgive how?

To forgive, begin at the beginning: forgive yourself. Like the flight attendant's oxygen mask drill before takeoff, you must put on your own mask before you can help another. This means that before you can even think about forgiving another, you must first forgive yourself.

Are you ready to forgive yourself? For what? What errors in judgment? What betrayals? What assumptions? What failures? Pilgrim, if there is one prayer you must write, this is it. You can't forgive your ex — not yet. First, you must forgive yourself. Trust me. I tried. For months, I tried to conjure up thoughts of forgiveness toward my ex, and all that came to mind were myerrors, my failures, mydecisions. Worse, when I forced myself to think about forgiving him, all the dreadful things he did congealed in my head, and I found myself getting angry all over again. In the end, there was no forgiveness. You could say the air pressure in the cabin of my life was dropping and I needed to get my air mask on. I needed to forgive myself.

Writing a prayer of self-forgiveness is going to take a lot out of you, emotionally, spiritually, psychologically, even physically. Every fiber of your being is going to participate in the development of this prayer. So, before you begin, take time to get centered and quiet. Read your most comforting sacred texts, recite childhood prayers if you like, focus on your favorite sacred images. Do whatever settles your heart and prepares you for communion with Spirit. And don't forget to breathe. Breathe deeply at least three times; I recommend nine. Take the deepest breath you can in through your nostrils and hold it for two seconds. Imagine that you are breathing in the power and peace of God. Then, release the breath slowly through your mouth visualizing all the pain and fear vacating your body with the air. Breathe out until you feel good and empty. Hold your emptiness for two seconds. And repeat.

Now, pick up your journal and your pen and write, "Dear God, in the name of (blank), I did (blank)." There are two parts to every statement: what you did and why you did it. If the motivation (the "in the name" part) isn't obvious right away, just make a list of all your grievous errors in the "I did" half. Once you have all of them in your journal, ask yourself, "Why did I do that? What was I trying to accomplish? What was the apparently good thing that I thought this action would produce?" When you can answer the why question, go back and fill in the "in the name of" part.

For example, if you had an affair thinking it would recapture your sense of yourself as vibrant, young, and happy, you might write, "In the name of youth, I slept with another." If you hit your children because you felt totally out of control and couldn't fix anything else in your life, you might write, "In the name of obedience, I hit my children." If you stayed in an unchallenging job you hated because you thought you were the only one who could take care of the family, write, "In the name of security, I did work that diminished me."

This is not an easy or quick prayer to write. If you've been exploring your actions and motivations for quite a while, the particulars might show up on the page within thirty minutes or so. But, if you are pushing this door open for the first time, you might find it necessary to come back to this prayer several times. Stay with it until you have a solid list — for God and for you.

Looking at the list, can you calmly and honestly say, "Well, Pilgrim (your name), I forgive you?" Try it and see what happens. You'll know right away if it's working. Either you forgive yourself or you don't. Either it feels okay or it doesn't. If you feel forgiven, write an end to your prayer that includes your statement to yourself of self-forgiveness. But if, like me, you can't quite get there, write a request to God to do it for you. This may seem at first to be the chicken's way out, but the truth is that God forgives. Every time. So when you turn the job of forgiving over to God, you are forgiven. It's that simple. The issue here isn't whether or not God will forgive you; the stumbling block is will youforgive you. If you let God do it first, you'll find it much easier to follow.

Your words are your prayers and this is a deeply personal prayer, a prayer that no one else has or ever will write. It's your blessing to yourself, a gift of the highest order —forgiveness. It doesn't get more beautiful than this.

(Next week: forgiving the other)

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Janet Conner, S.E. (Spiritual Explorer), is an expert on the power of practical spirituality to heal your broken heart and transform your world. She is the cartographer of the map of spiritual healing and author of the seven travel guides in the Spiritual Geographyseries. In addition to divine dialogue, she welcomes human conversation at {email janetconner@tampabay.rr.com}janetconner@tampabay.rr.com{/email}. © copyright 2006 by Janet Conner

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