We all want our prayers to work. We want to believe that if we ask, it shall be given; if we seek, we shall find; and if we knock, the door shall be opened. That sounds wonderful. That sounds like everything we need. Only there are a few problems. We don't really know what to ask for, or the best way to seek, or exactly where to knock. The truth is, we don't know how to pray. If we did, all our prayers would rise effortlessly to Spirit where they would be transformed into perfect action on earth. All our prayers would be answered. All our prayers would work. But they don't. And we know it.

It isn't that we haven't had instruction. Most of us, growing up in one religious tradition or another, were taught ancient prayer traditions. The traditions may have involved special waters or oils, or special clothes, or special postures. The traditions certainly involved special and specific words.

I grew up Catholic, so I learned to genuflect, dip my fingers in holy water and bless myself with the Sign of the Cross. I learned to bow my head and fold my hands. I learned to follow the prayers the priest said in Latin in my English missal. I learned to say the Our Father, the Hail Mary, the Rosary and many other memorized prayers. And it was all lovely. Lovely to see, lovely to hear, lovely to do.

But were my prayers answered? Not that I could tell. For that matter, did I even know what to pray for? I doubt it. Prayer was an obligation you did, not a gift you received. Were my prayers effective? I never thought about it. Did I know what effective prayer was? The question never came up. The nuns and priests and our parents simply told us what to do, and we did it. No one asked why or how. No one asked if one kind of prayer was more effective than another. Prayer was prayer. All you had to do was repeat it.

As an adult, I set out to study prayer. I was determined to learn everything there is to know about effective prayer, not just beautiful prayer, or traditional prayer, or the habit of prayer, but real, honest-to-goodness effective prayer. What, I wanted to know, makes prayer effective?

I decided to read every book I could find on prayer. I began at a lovely, independent bookstore in Tampa, Florida. I asked the woman behind the counter where to find books on prayer. I expected her to say, "Oh, we don't have any" or "Well, we have just a few." But instead, she walked me to an entire section on spirituality and prayer. Eyes wide, my hand slowly touched the spines of dozens of books. Several leapt into my hands. I went home laden with weeks of reading.

I started with "Prayer: Finding Heart's True Home" by Richard Foster, a lovely, traditional treatise on Christian prayer. After that, I read a totally non-traditional book, "Prayers for a Planetary Pilgrim" by Edward Hays, a delightful introduction to personal prayer. Then I read "Prayers of the Cosmos" by Neil Douglas-Klotz, an exciting little book that offers the Our Father and Beatitudes in Jesus' original Aramaic with English translations that reflect the multiple, and often mystical, meanings of the language.

That book dramatically changed my thoughts on prayer and on Jesus' message. I read "Gratefulness: The Heart of Prayer" by Brother David Steindl-Rast, a beautiful book I highly recommend. The title tells you the key to effective prayer in Brother David's eyes. And I read a small jewel that belongs on everyone's bookshelf, "The Way of the Heart" by the great Christian teacher Henri Nouwen.

I read for a year. I read books on Native American prayer, Jewish prayer and Eastern forms of prayer and meditation. Toward the end of the year, I read an exquisite prayer formula, "Effectual Prayer," written in1927 by Frances W. Foulks. During my prayer-year, I read over 30 books on prayer.

So, what did I learn about effective prayer?

I learned that all traditions agree on the importance of prayer.

I learned that all traditions agree on the importance of the repetition of prayer. Prayer is not a Sunday morning thing or a Friday evening thing; it is an everyday, all-day thing. As St. Paul admonished, "Pray without ceasing." But, of course, the question is, "How is one supposed to do that?"

I learned that effective prayer is the prayer of the heart. The mind can study prayer, plan prayer, prepare for prayer and even begin prayer, but it is the heart that engages Spirit, calling God's heart to become one with ours. Until the heart is engaged, we are not praying. Not really. The question, of course, is how does one do that?

I learned that effective prayer is personal. Although prayer can be a ritual, it is more than that ritual. In effective prayer, we bring ourselves, our whole selves, our sticky, messy selves with all our sorrows and fears, to God. (As if we could leave ourselves behind!) But the big question, of course, is how does one do that?

And, perhaps most important, I learned the purpose of effective prayer. It isn't to change God. In the first place, God doesn't change. And, in the second, God isn't in the business of being directed by humans to make other people fall in love, or come back, or stop cheating, or get a job, or stop drinking, or whatever it is people want other people to do. No, it is we who get changed by prayer. It is we who are affected by grace. It is we who shift our thinking, our behavior, our beliefs. This should have been obvious, but I confess, when I realized it, I stopped, marked my page and sat quietly in the chair. For me — and, I'm willing to bet, for you — this was a bit of a shock. And, of course, the big, big question is, how does one do that?

Well, there was no point getting all this information and then not using it. And life gave me the perfect opportunity. Just as I was finishing my year of study on prayer, my marriage imploded violently, and suddenly I had all the opportunity in the world to practice what I'd learned. I was about to become a very close student of personal prayer. Prayer was about to become my lifeline. Whether I liked it or not, I was about to become an expert on personal prayer.

Stay with me over the next weeks, and I'll share everything I learned about how to develop prayer that is repetitive, from the heart, personal and effective. I'll show you how to write prayers that induce grace. I make you only one promise: Learn to pray effectively, and your heart will be healed and your life will be transformed.

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Janet Conner, S.E. (Spiritual Explorer), is an expert on the power of practical spirituality to heal your broken heart and transform your world. She is the cartographer of the map of spiritual healing and author of the seven travel guides in the Spiritual Geographyseries. In addition to divine dialogue, she welcomes human conversation at {email janetconner@tampabay.rr.com}janetconner@tampabay.rr.com{/email}. © copyright 2006 by Janet Conner

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