Monday, August 21, 2006 at 12:12am
Are you crazy? Incompetent? Stupid?
Column: Writing Down Your Soul
In her "Spiritual Geography" series, Janet Conner walks beside the broken-hearted, teaching them how to locate their position on the map of spiritual healing and unlock the personal divine guidance that will move them from where they are to where they want to be — Peace. Everyone begins in the Country of Betrayal and travels through the Countries of Pain, War, Illusion, Surrender, and Choice, accomplishing a spiritual task and receiving a spiritual gift in each country. The journey culminates in the Country of Peace with the miracle of forgiveness and the receipt of a healed, whole, and holy heart. Today, we continue our exploration of the Country of Pain.
I have a friend, Miriam, who is trapped in a painful marriage with a man who expects everything to be perfect. A few weeks ago, he woke her at 5 am, dragged her into the living room, and showed her where the dog had had an accident. Furious, he ordered her to have the dog euthanized that day.
The fact that their children loved that dog was irrelevant; what mattered, I guess, was the cream colored carpet. Oh, and the fact that she was sound asleep and he didn't have the right to wake her — never mind drag her into the living room to look at dog poop — well, that never entered his mind.
A few days after the dog poop incident, Miriam's husband snapped at her to get some papers from her car. When she opened her car door, it accidentally scratched the side of his sports car. He blew up. When she told me this story, my first thought was that he had obviously parked too close when he pulled in the night before, but nothing I said seemed to console her.
I wanted her to consider that she might not be the problem. "He's nuts," I said. "Oh no," she responded, "he's not nuts, I am. He is always telling me how crazy I am, and incompetent, and stupid, and lucky to have him. And on a bad day I believe him."
Every time Miriam tells me another abusive story I gently, but firmly, tell her, "He's crazy." That seems to give her some small comfort. At least it puts things in a different perspective — a perspective that's clear to me and probably clear to you, but not to Miriam. I have great empathy for Miriam. When I look back at my marriage, I can see the same manipulation and abuse. But I couldn't see that while I was in it. I just kept working harder, desperately trying to create a peaceful home — a superficially peaceful home, perhaps — but a peaceful one.
What about you? Do you feel like you are crazy sometimes? Do you feel that you are not living the life you want to live? Does the significant person in your life put you down?
Does your spouse try to make you feel stupid? Does he or she whine or nag or push till you give in? Do you often think that your oppressor is right? Do you find yourself having internal conversations with your spouse that leave you exhausted and demoralized? Do you find yourself agreeing to do what your spouse wants just so he or she will stop complaining or pouting?
If you answer "yes" to any of these questions, the truth is you are living with an oppressor and as a result, you are not living the life you want to live. The bottom line is you are not being fully you.
Most oppressors know what they are doing and choose to continue. I learned this when I called a women's shelter for help. The counselor who answered the phone explained that oppressors are highly unlikely to look in the mirror and say: "I should stop this." I waited years for my husband to stop putting me down and manipulating me. He not only didn't stop, the behaviors and language got worse, the demands got creepier, and the personal attacks became more blatant and frequent.
Ask yourself a tough question: Am I beginning to think of myself as less? If your spouse's negative comments are infiltrating your beliefs about yourself, if his or her efforts to control you are influencing your behavior, if you find yourself describing yourself in his or her negative words, then listen up! Your spouse is not only trying to drive you crazy, he or she is succeeding.
Stop for a moment and think of events in your marriage that really fried you. Write down what he said or she did and — this is important — how you felt. Don't waste energy berating yourself for all the things you did or didn't do. For this heart-healing exercise, just focus on the nutty behavior.
The object is to name it. Name it nuts. Name it wrong. And, name it over. Close each story with the divinely rhetorical question, "Dear God, am I crazy?" After you've vented several of these absurd situations, you'll find your belief in yourself as "not crazy" getting stronger and stronger. You may even find your voice getting louder and louder and your pen cutting deeper and deeper into the paper: "No, I'm not. I'm not crazy! I'm NOT!!"
Where does that lead you? How do you feel? What do you want to do? And what kind of guidance do you need? Ask for it. Write, "Dear God, thank you. Thank you for showing me that I'm not crazy. But now, tell me, what do I do?"
Each person's "Am I Crazy?" prayer is unique. (And yes, you've just written a prayer. A very special kind of prayer that opens your heart to heaven and asks for and receives personal, focused, divine wisdom.) What is driving you crazy is unique. The grace you need is unique. The guidance you need is unique. And the help you will receive is unique. Perhaps it will all start for you when you answer the question "Dear God, am I crazy?" with a resounding "NO!"
Next week: How do you heal hate?
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Janet Conner, S.E. (Spiritual Explorer), is the cartographer of the map of Spiritual Geography and author of the Spiritual Geography series. Visit Spiritual Geography for interactive maps, locators, and other Spiritual Geography materials. Reach Janet at {email janetconner@tampabay.rr.com}janetconner@tampabay.rr.com{/email}. © copyright 2006 by Janet Conner
— — —
ReligionAndSpirituality.com is a big tent for all expressions
of faith and spirituality, neither excluding nor favoring any.
All opinions expressed belong to the writer alone, and are
not necessarily shared by ReligionAndSpirituality.com.
I have a friend, Miriam, who is trapped in a painful marriage with a man who expects everything to be perfect. A few weeks ago, he woke her at 5 am, dragged her into the living room, and showed her where the dog had had an accident. Furious, he ordered her to have the dog euthanized that day.
The fact that their children loved that dog was irrelevant; what mattered, I guess, was the cream colored carpet. Oh, and the fact that she was sound asleep and he didn't have the right to wake her — never mind drag her into the living room to look at dog poop — well, that never entered his mind.
A few days after the dog poop incident, Miriam's husband snapped at her to get some papers from her car. When she opened her car door, it accidentally scratched the side of his sports car. He blew up. When she told me this story, my first thought was that he had obviously parked too close when he pulled in the night before, but nothing I said seemed to console her.
I wanted her to consider that she might not be the problem. "He's nuts," I said. "Oh no," she responded, "he's not nuts, I am. He is always telling me how crazy I am, and incompetent, and stupid, and lucky to have him. And on a bad day I believe him."
Every time Miriam tells me another abusive story I gently, but firmly, tell her, "He's crazy." That seems to give her some small comfort. At least it puts things in a different perspective — a perspective that's clear to me and probably clear to you, but not to Miriam. I have great empathy for Miriam. When I look back at my marriage, I can see the same manipulation and abuse. But I couldn't see that while I was in it. I just kept working harder, desperately trying to create a peaceful home — a superficially peaceful home, perhaps — but a peaceful one.
What about you? Do you feel like you are crazy sometimes? Do you feel that you are not living the life you want to live? Does the significant person in your life put you down?
Does your spouse try to make you feel stupid? Does he or she whine or nag or push till you give in? Do you often think that your oppressor is right? Do you find yourself having internal conversations with your spouse that leave you exhausted and demoralized? Do you find yourself agreeing to do what your spouse wants just so he or she will stop complaining or pouting?
If you answer "yes" to any of these questions, the truth is you are living with an oppressor and as a result, you are not living the life you want to live. The bottom line is you are not being fully you.
Most oppressors know what they are doing and choose to continue. I learned this when I called a women's shelter for help. The counselor who answered the phone explained that oppressors are highly unlikely to look in the mirror and say: "I should stop this." I waited years for my husband to stop putting me down and manipulating me. He not only didn't stop, the behaviors and language got worse, the demands got creepier, and the personal attacks became more blatant and frequent.
Ask yourself a tough question: Am I beginning to think of myself as less? If your spouse's negative comments are infiltrating your beliefs about yourself, if his or her efforts to control you are influencing your behavior, if you find yourself describing yourself in his or her negative words, then listen up! Your spouse is not only trying to drive you crazy, he or she is succeeding.
Stop for a moment and think of events in your marriage that really fried you. Write down what he said or she did and — this is important — how you felt. Don't waste energy berating yourself for all the things you did or didn't do. For this heart-healing exercise, just focus on the nutty behavior.
The object is to name it. Name it nuts. Name it wrong. And, name it over. Close each story with the divinely rhetorical question, "Dear God, am I crazy?" After you've vented several of these absurd situations, you'll find your belief in yourself as "not crazy" getting stronger and stronger. You may even find your voice getting louder and louder and your pen cutting deeper and deeper into the paper: "No, I'm not. I'm not crazy! I'm NOT!!"
Where does that lead you? How do you feel? What do you want to do? And what kind of guidance do you need? Ask for it. Write, "Dear God, thank you. Thank you for showing me that I'm not crazy. But now, tell me, what do I do?"
Each person's "Am I Crazy?" prayer is unique. (And yes, you've just written a prayer. A very special kind of prayer that opens your heart to heaven and asks for and receives personal, focused, divine wisdom.) What is driving you crazy is unique. The grace you need is unique. The guidance you need is unique. And the help you will receive is unique. Perhaps it will all start for you when you answer the question "Dear God, am I crazy?" with a resounding "NO!"
Next week: How do you heal hate?
— — —
Janet Conner, S.E. (Spiritual Explorer), is the cartographer of the map of Spiritual Geography and author of the Spiritual Geography series. Visit Spiritual Geography for interactive maps, locators, and other Spiritual Geography materials. Reach Janet at {email janetconner@tampabay.rr.com}janetconner@tampabay.rr.com{/email}. © copyright 2006 by Janet Conner
ReligionAndSpirituality.com is a big tent for all expressions
of faith and spirituality, neither excluding nor favoring any.
All opinions expressed belong to the writer alone, and are
not necessarily shared by ReligionAndSpirituality.com.