Tuesday, September 26, 2006 at 12:12am
The illusion of having to, over choosing to
Column: Writing Down Your Soul
In her "Spiritual Geography" series, Janet Conner walks beside the broken hearted, teaching them how to locate their position on the map of spiritual healing and unlock the personal divine guidance that will move them from where they are to where they want to be — Peace. Everyone begins in the Country of Betrayal and travels through the Countries of Pain, War, Illusion, Surrender, and Choice, accomplishing a spiritual task and receiving a spiritual gift in each country. The journey culminates in the Country of Peace with the miracle of forgiveness and the receipt of a healed, whole, and holy heart. Today, we continue our exploration of the Country of Illusion.
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The Country of Illusion is the land of "why." In my travels through Illusion, I asked myself why questions over and over and over: Why couldn't I see the truth of my marriage? Why did I keep working so hard to create a happy family fantasy that could never be real because it wasn't based on the necessary foundation of love, trust, and commitment? Why didn't I wake up sooner? Why? Why? Why?
If I was finally willing to ask myself the why questions, that meant I was finally ready to acknowledge what I had done to create and support my fantasy. The first thought that came to mind was, "But, I have to!"
"Oh, really," I asked myself, "What do I have to do?" And I started to write a list:
* I have to work at a job I don't like because my husband doesn't make enough money.
* I have to pay the bills because he's not organized.
* I have to handle the taxes because he doesn't keep good records.
* I have to make dinner every night because we need to eat well.
* I have to read to our son every night because his dad doesn't do it right.
* I have to do the dishes because my husband makes such a mess.
* I have to watch TV late at night because he needs me to keep him company.
* I have to wear the clothes he likes to keep peace in the house.
* I have to go to all the school meetings, soccer practices, and little league games because my husband is too busy.
* I have to entertain on Saturday night because it helps his business.
I have to. I have to. I have to. All my childhood indoctrination on virtue, work ethic, and duty — my parents were very big on duty — was there on the page in front of me in full bloom. I had become a dutiful wife and mother — miserable, but dutiful.
At first I was riled up. Look at how hard I work! Look at all the things I have to do! By the middle of the list, I was weary. As the list wound down, I began to see how ludicrous I had become. Have to do these things? Have to? The very word rankled. No, I found myself shouting, I do not have to do these things. Well, if don't have to, what's left? Choose to. Hmmm. Big difference.
What do you have to do? This is a most interesting question. Consider this: If you could identify the actions that build and support a rich, joyful life, you could begin to consciously create that new kind of life. Step one in the process is to identify all the ways you sabotage yourself by putting energy into false obligations. So, begin at the beginning. Write: "Dear God, I have to..." and inventory all the things you have believed, and perhaps continue to believe, you must do. Don't stop to evaluate an action, or scold yourself, or resolve to change. For now, just make the list. What to do will become clearer as you complete your list.
At some point, you will get angry, or cry, or start laughing at yourself. This is the time to start talking over the list with Spirit. Write, "Well, dear God, what do You say? Do I have to do these things? Why? What good do they create? How do these actions help me live the life I want? What is really important? What do I really have to — no, choose to do?"
Then, start to make a new list: the things you choose to do. By the time you've finished writing your "have to" prayer (and yes, you've been writing a prayer), you will have a new list — much shorter perhaps than your "have to" list — of the things you choose to do. And with that list you can start to build a life, a new life, a focused, peaceful, joyful life filled with all the blessed activities you choose to do.
(Next week: Your biggest task in Illusion: forgive yourself.)
— — —
Janet Conner, S.E., is the cartographer of the map of Spiritual Geography and author of the Spiritual Geography series. Spiritual Geography has been hailed by professionals in the mental health, legal, and ministerial fields as the first system to not only map the total healing process, but also provide practical spiritual tools that anyone can use to move from where they are to where they want to be — Peace. Visit Spiritual Geography for books, interactive maps, locators, and other Spiritual Geography materials. Reach Janet at {email janetconner@tampabay.rr.com}janetconner@tampabay.rr.com{/email}. © copyright 2006 by Janet Conner
— — —
ReligionAndSpirituality.com is a big tent for all expressions
of faith and spirituality, neither excluding nor favoring any.
All opinions expressed belong to the writer alone, and are
not necessarily shared by ReligionAndSpirituality.com.
— — —
The Country of Illusion is the land of "why." In my travels through Illusion, I asked myself why questions over and over and over: Why couldn't I see the truth of my marriage? Why did I keep working so hard to create a happy family fantasy that could never be real because it wasn't based on the necessary foundation of love, trust, and commitment? Why didn't I wake up sooner? Why? Why? Why?
If I was finally willing to ask myself the why questions, that meant I was finally ready to acknowledge what I had done to create and support my fantasy. The first thought that came to mind was, "But, I have to!"
"Oh, really," I asked myself, "What do I have to do?" And I started to write a list:
* I have to work at a job I don't like because my husband doesn't make enough money.
* I have to pay the bills because he's not organized.
* I have to handle the taxes because he doesn't keep good records.
* I have to make dinner every night because we need to eat well.
* I have to read to our son every night because his dad doesn't do it right.
* I have to do the dishes because my husband makes such a mess.
* I have to watch TV late at night because he needs me to keep him company.
* I have to wear the clothes he likes to keep peace in the house.
* I have to go to all the school meetings, soccer practices, and little league games because my husband is too busy.
* I have to entertain on Saturday night because it helps his business.
I have to. I have to. I have to. All my childhood indoctrination on virtue, work ethic, and duty — my parents were very big on duty — was there on the page in front of me in full bloom. I had become a dutiful wife and mother — miserable, but dutiful.
At first I was riled up. Look at how hard I work! Look at all the things I have to do! By the middle of the list, I was weary. As the list wound down, I began to see how ludicrous I had become. Have to do these things? Have to? The very word rankled. No, I found myself shouting, I do not have to do these things. Well, if don't have to, what's left? Choose to. Hmmm. Big difference.
What do you have to do? This is a most interesting question. Consider this: If you could identify the actions that build and support a rich, joyful life, you could begin to consciously create that new kind of life. Step one in the process is to identify all the ways you sabotage yourself by putting energy into false obligations. So, begin at the beginning. Write: "Dear God, I have to..." and inventory all the things you have believed, and perhaps continue to believe, you must do. Don't stop to evaluate an action, or scold yourself, or resolve to change. For now, just make the list. What to do will become clearer as you complete your list.
At some point, you will get angry, or cry, or start laughing at yourself. This is the time to start talking over the list with Spirit. Write, "Well, dear God, what do You say? Do I have to do these things? Why? What good do they create? How do these actions help me live the life I want? What is really important? What do I really have to — no, choose to do?"
Then, start to make a new list: the things you choose to do. By the time you've finished writing your "have to" prayer (and yes, you've been writing a prayer), you will have a new list — much shorter perhaps than your "have to" list — of the things you choose to do. And with that list you can start to build a life, a new life, a focused, peaceful, joyful life filled with all the blessed activities you choose to do.
(Next week: Your biggest task in Illusion: forgive yourself.)
— — —
Janet Conner, S.E., is the cartographer of the map of Spiritual Geography and author of the Spiritual Geography series. Spiritual Geography has been hailed by professionals in the mental health, legal, and ministerial fields as the first system to not only map the total healing process, but also provide practical spiritual tools that anyone can use to move from where they are to where they want to be — Peace. Visit Spiritual Geography for books, interactive maps, locators, and other Spiritual Geography materials. Reach Janet at {email janetconner@tampabay.rr.com}janetconner@tampabay.rr.com{/email}. © copyright 2006 by Janet Conner
ReligionAndSpirituality.com is a big tent for all expressions
of faith and spirituality, neither excluding nor favoring any.
All opinions expressed belong to the writer alone, and are
not necessarily shared by ReligionAndSpirituality.com.