Tuesday, November 28, 2006 at 12:12am
To heal your heart, bury your dead
Column: Writing Down Your Soul
In her "Spiritual Geography" series, Janet Conner walks beside the brokenhearted, teaching them how to locate their position on the map of spiritual healing and unlock the personal divine guidance that will move them from where they are to where they want to be — Peace. Everyone begins in the Country of Betrayal and travels through the Countries of Pain, War, Illusion, Surrender, and Choice, accomplishing a spiritual task and receiving a spiritual gift in each country. The journey culminates in the Country of Peace with the miracle of forgiveness and the receipt of a healed, whole, and holy heart. Today we continue our exploration of the sixth country, the Country of Choice.
— — —
Your spiritual task in the Country of Choice is to build a life. "Building" sounds like the emphasis is all on moving forward, taking action, creating — not destroying. But before you can build, before you can put one brick on top of another, before you can begin to relish your new, joyful life, you first must destroy. You first must bash and banish. You first must kill.
It's one of the mystical paradoxes of Spiritual Geography and of life itself: To build a new kind of life, you first must look back at the life you had, study what worked and what didn't, and pick out the specific thoughts, words, actions, and beliefs that created that unhappy life. Take the time to connect the dots between the deep-rooted fears and beliefs that kept you repeating and repeating and repeating actions that resulted in a life that didn't make you happy. Make a list and check it two, three, four, a dozen times. This is the second most important list you will make in your life. Take the time to do it right.
If it'll help you develop your list, I'll show you mine. It took my soul almost two months of daily written dialogue with God to come up with my final and complete list. My list, remember, is not your list. For you, some of these words might even be positive. But for me, they were toxic and have no place in the life I want to live.
Obedience: "Obey" was my mother's favorite word and constant command. When I would ask questions or push back, she'd say, "Could you for once just obey?" Now the very sound of the word makes my stomach tighten. I abhor the idea of obeying to obey. I cringe when I hear a demand for blind obedience. To move forward, it was essential that I eliminate the concept, and more importantly the habit, of obedience. In its stead, I want to take conscious responsibility for every decision I make and action I take.
Obligation: Like so many over-busy Americans, I had more obligations than hours in the day. I did everything I told myself I had to do for work, clients, family, spouse, child, house, food, bills, car, laundry. Every minute of every day seemed to be filled with one more obligation. In my new life, I want to have conscious choices, not obligations. In my new life, when I make dinner, it is a choice, not a requirement. When I call someone, it is something I choose to do, not something I have to do. When I work, it is work I love to do, not a yoke I've tied myself to.
Neglecting myself: In my old life, I put others' needs first all the time, every time. In my new life, I want to recognize and honor my need for comfort, rest, peace, quiet, education, security, love. In other words, I want to love myself, too.
Fear: Fear is the biggie. Fear is the big bad bear that snarls at us and keeps us locked in the corner — a corner of our own construction, but a corner nonetheless. As long as fear has dominion, there can be no new, rich, joyful life. There can only be response to fear, control by fear — in other words, slavery.
Control: In the past, I lived a passive-voice kind of life. I was controlled. In the future, I want to live an active-voice kind of life. I want to live in concert with Spirit. Spirit is in charge. Spirit has control, but no human, no organization, and no situation.
Lies: It's hard to admit, but the truth is, I allowed myself to listen to lies, knowing on some level that they were lies. Lies from teachers, parents, boyfriends. Lies from my husband, my church, my boss. And once I started down that road, I began to tell lies, too. First to myself: It's going to get better. He didn't really mean that. I have to stay in this job. I have no choice. Then to others. One little lie led to another and another and another, until stretching and avoiding were my norm. I started lying about how much things cost, where I was going, when I'd be back, what I knew, and what I didn't know. Lies, both taken and given, have no place in my new life. None.
Belief that I am alone: Everyone going through a relationship trauma experiences an overwhelming sensation that he or she is alone — deeply, completely, and traumatically alone. Of course, we're not. Everyone is connected. And God is everywhere. We know these things intellectually. We even understand that science is confirming that we are all little blobs of energy, and energy by definition is connected to all other energy all the time. We understand this; we just don't feel it. Not when we've been dumped, abandoned, betrayed, abused, neglected. Not when we're scared. If I knew one thing, I knew I had to slaughter this belief and bury it deep, deep, deep in the ground before I could have a happy life.
So there's my list. It isn't pretty and I'm not proud of it, but I am proud of what I did with it and what you're going to do with yours.
Write each idea you want to banish on a strip of paper. As you hold your papers, resolve that these toxic ideas have no place in your new life. Because if they do, if you let them sneak in, your new life will crumble swiftly into the dust and your old life — a life that brought you no joy — will rise quickly from the dead, a gray and ugly phoenix, delighted to take over and rule you once again. If you truly want a new and better life, you have to be clear and firm about what is no longer true for you.
So speak it. As you hold each strip of paper, say out loud what you are banishing and then burn that piece of paper in a metal bowl or fire pit. When you've killed all the old toxic beliefs, bury the ashes in your backyard or at the beach or flush them down the toilet. However you choose to do it, the point is to symbolically "bury" them.
You have now completed your spiritual work in the second most sacred spot in the Country of Choice: Bury My Dead graveyard. Doesn't it feel wonderful? Don't you feel lighter and cleaner? All you need now is to call in the positive beliefs and actions that will replace your old, dead companions.
(Next week: The most important list you'll ever make.)
— — —
Janet Conner, S.E., is the cartographer of the map of Spiritual Geography and author of the Spiritual Geography series. Spiritual Geography has been hailed by professionals in the mental health, legal, and ministerial fields as the first system to not only map the total healing process but also provide practical spiritual tools that anyone can use to move from where they are to where they want to be — Peace. Visit Spiritual Geography for books, interactive maps, locators, and other Spiritual Geography materials. Reach Janet at {email janetconner@tampabay.rr.com}janetconner@tampabay.rr.com{/email}.© copyright 2006 by Janet Conner
— — —
Your spiritual task in the Country of Choice is to build a life. "Building" sounds like the emphasis is all on moving forward, taking action, creating — not destroying. But before you can build, before you can put one brick on top of another, before you can begin to relish your new, joyful life, you first must destroy. You first must bash and banish. You first must kill.
It's one of the mystical paradoxes of Spiritual Geography and of life itself: To build a new kind of life, you first must look back at the life you had, study what worked and what didn't, and pick out the specific thoughts, words, actions, and beliefs that created that unhappy life. Take the time to connect the dots between the deep-rooted fears and beliefs that kept you repeating and repeating and repeating actions that resulted in a life that didn't make you happy. Make a list and check it two, three, four, a dozen times. This is the second most important list you will make in your life. Take the time to do it right.
If it'll help you develop your list, I'll show you mine. It took my soul almost two months of daily written dialogue with God to come up with my final and complete list. My list, remember, is not your list. For you, some of these words might even be positive. But for me, they were toxic and have no place in the life I want to live.
Obedience: "Obey" was my mother's favorite word and constant command. When I would ask questions or push back, she'd say, "Could you for once just obey?" Now the very sound of the word makes my stomach tighten. I abhor the idea of obeying to obey. I cringe when I hear a demand for blind obedience. To move forward, it was essential that I eliminate the concept, and more importantly the habit, of obedience. In its stead, I want to take conscious responsibility for every decision I make and action I take.
Obligation: Like so many over-busy Americans, I had more obligations than hours in the day. I did everything I told myself I had to do for work, clients, family, spouse, child, house, food, bills, car, laundry. Every minute of every day seemed to be filled with one more obligation. In my new life, I want to have conscious choices, not obligations. In my new life, when I make dinner, it is a choice, not a requirement. When I call someone, it is something I choose to do, not something I have to do. When I work, it is work I love to do, not a yoke I've tied myself to.
Neglecting myself: In my old life, I put others' needs first all the time, every time. In my new life, I want to recognize and honor my need for comfort, rest, peace, quiet, education, security, love. In other words, I want to love myself, too.
Fear: Fear is the biggie. Fear is the big bad bear that snarls at us and keeps us locked in the corner — a corner of our own construction, but a corner nonetheless. As long as fear has dominion, there can be no new, rich, joyful life. There can only be response to fear, control by fear — in other words, slavery.
Control: In the past, I lived a passive-voice kind of life. I was controlled. In the future, I want to live an active-voice kind of life. I want to live in concert with Spirit. Spirit is in charge. Spirit has control, but no human, no organization, and no situation.
Lies: It's hard to admit, but the truth is, I allowed myself to listen to lies, knowing on some level that they were lies. Lies from teachers, parents, boyfriends. Lies from my husband, my church, my boss. And once I started down that road, I began to tell lies, too. First to myself: It's going to get better. He didn't really mean that. I have to stay in this job. I have no choice. Then to others. One little lie led to another and another and another, until stretching and avoiding were my norm. I started lying about how much things cost, where I was going, when I'd be back, what I knew, and what I didn't know. Lies, both taken and given, have no place in my new life. None.
Belief that I am alone: Everyone going through a relationship trauma experiences an overwhelming sensation that he or she is alone — deeply, completely, and traumatically alone. Of course, we're not. Everyone is connected. And God is everywhere. We know these things intellectually. We even understand that science is confirming that we are all little blobs of energy, and energy by definition is connected to all other energy all the time. We understand this; we just don't feel it. Not when we've been dumped, abandoned, betrayed, abused, neglected. Not when we're scared. If I knew one thing, I knew I had to slaughter this belief and bury it deep, deep, deep in the ground before I could have a happy life.
So there's my list. It isn't pretty and I'm not proud of it, but I am proud of what I did with it and what you're going to do with yours.
Write each idea you want to banish on a strip of paper. As you hold your papers, resolve that these toxic ideas have no place in your new life. Because if they do, if you let them sneak in, your new life will crumble swiftly into the dust and your old life — a life that brought you no joy — will rise quickly from the dead, a gray and ugly phoenix, delighted to take over and rule you once again. If you truly want a new and better life, you have to be clear and firm about what is no longer true for you.
So speak it. As you hold each strip of paper, say out loud what you are banishing and then burn that piece of paper in a metal bowl or fire pit. When you've killed all the old toxic beliefs, bury the ashes in your backyard or at the beach or flush them down the toilet. However you choose to do it, the point is to symbolically "bury" them.
You have now completed your spiritual work in the second most sacred spot in the Country of Choice: Bury My Dead graveyard. Doesn't it feel wonderful? Don't you feel lighter and cleaner? All you need now is to call in the positive beliefs and actions that will replace your old, dead companions.
(Next week: The most important list you'll ever make.)
— — —
Janet Conner, S.E., is the cartographer of the map of Spiritual Geography and author of the Spiritual Geography series. Spiritual Geography has been hailed by professionals in the mental health, legal, and ministerial fields as the first system to not only map the total healing process but also provide practical spiritual tools that anyone can use to move from where they are to where they want to be — Peace. Visit Spiritual Geography for books, interactive maps, locators, and other Spiritual Geography materials. Reach Janet at {email janetconner@tampabay.rr.com}janetconner@tampabay.rr.com{/email}.© copyright 2006 by Janet Conner