Tuesday, December 5, 2006 at 12:12am
Are there any unbreakable vows?
Column: Writing Down Your Soul
In her "Spiritual Geography" series, Janet Conner walks beside the brokenhearted, teaching them how to locate their position on the map of spiritual healing and unlock the personal divine guidance that will move them from where they are to where they want to be — Peace. Everyone begins in the Country of Betrayal and travels through the Countries of Pain, War, Illusion, Surrender, and Choice, accomplishing a spiritual task and receiving a spiritual gift in each country. The journey culminates in the Country of Peace with the miracle of forgiveness and the receipt of a healed, whole, and holy heart. Today we continue our exploration of the sixth country, the Country of Choice.
— — —
The Country of Choice is rich with adventure. You get to try new thoughts, step into new experiences, and evaluate what you're learning. Keep doing that and you'll begin to see the pattern on which you build your new life: Think, experience, learn. Think, experience, learn. Think, experience, learn.
Do you see what the think-experience-learn pattern is doing? Mentally? Emotionally? Spiritually? Perhaps even physically? You are reprogramming yourself. In the Country of Illusion, you figured out that your old thoughts produced a life that didn't make you happy. You know you don't want that life anymore. Now, in Choice, you get to practice walking away from those old habitual patterns and in their place, consciously try on different ideas, different language, and different actions.
Language can be the hardest habit to change. You'll find your mouth opening and old words coming out. Things like: "I can't do that" or "I'll never have that kind of money" or "That'll never happen to me." This is the "cancel" stage in building a new life. When old ideas from your past come floating out of your mouth and you think, "Hey, wait a minute, that's not true for me anymore," snap your mouth shut. Then, say "CANCEL!" out loud — unless you're in a crowded mall and saying "Cancel!" out loud might get you carted away.
Then, ask yourself: What new words are true for me? You might find yourself standing still and thinking for a bit before you open your mouth again. And if you're with people, that can be a bit awkward. But if they're friends, they'll understand. In fact, if they're real friends, they'll start canceling right along with you. Just ask them to stop you when they hear you repeat your old, negative, self-defeating language.
During my "cancel" stage, I had two wonderful friends who would shout "CANCEL!" before I could finish an old-worded sentence. They helped me become conscious of how pervasive my negative language was. After being with them, I found I could cancel myself much more easily. It was as if they were still in the room canceling my words for me.
Well, one day, we three were talking about marriages and divorces. And the topic shifted to marriage vows — how we felt saying our marriage vows and then how we felt about those vows when we got a divorce. I opened my old-thinking mouth and said, "Marriage vows are a sham. There are no vows that can't be broken." My friends, upon hearing the word "can't," went into automatic cancel mode and shouted "Cancel!" simultaneously.
Well, if that thought about vows was false, what, I wondered, was true?
The next morning I talked with God about vows in my journal. "Dear God," I wrote, "are there any vows that can't be broken?" Talk about a question. I love this kind of rich, deep question. Ask a question like that in the presence of God and, as you keep the conversation going, layer upon layer upon layer of your knowing will peel back until you finally reach a core that feels solid.
In deep conversation with God, I concluded that vows aren't weighty promises made to fend off some undesirable future. No, true vows are words that articulate who I am, who I was, who I always will be. And if they are that — a description of who I am at my core - well, then, I could never break them, could I? To break them, I'd have to stop being me. That left one big, big question to explore: Dear God, who am I when I am fully me?
I asked. I made lists and pared them down. Is this true for me — always? I played with the words. Can I say it better? Clearer? More succinctly? More powerfully? What words make my heart sing in recognition? Slowly the list narrowed to seven short declarations. When the seven felt sufficiently cooked, I typed them on a piece of paper and taped it to the wall. "These," I said to God, "are my vows. This is who I am, the real me, the whole me, the authentic me — the me I uncovered talking to you."
Janet's Covenant
Pray always
Seek Truth
Surrender, there is no path but God's
Come from Love
Honor myself
Live in Partnership
Unite to create Good
I looked at my covenant. It felt good to have my seven vows on the wall, reminding me daily who I am. But it didn't feel quite complete. I wrote about that: "Dear God, what's missing?" Well, what was missing, I quickly learned, was the ceremony. When people declare their vows, they go through a ceremony — a wedding, novitiate, ordination — some kind of public declaration of their new commitment. That's what I needed — a celebration.
I called a circle of 11 wonderful women to witness my covenant with God on Nov. 11, 2000. I read my vows, then we prayed, and danced, and sang, and, oh yeah, drank champagne and feasted on caviar and salmon. To honor the occasion and cement it for all time, I traded all the jewelry my ex-husband had given me for one gorgeous dark orange Mexican opal ring with 11 tiny diamonds on each side and seven engraved on the inside. It was a glorious, glorious evening.
From cancellation to unbreakable vows. What a trek I'd had through Choice!
(Next week: How do you know when you've done the work of Choice? It will be crystal clear: You'll be ready to forgive.)
— — —
Janet Conner, S.E., is the cartographer of the map of Spiritual Geography and author of the Spiritual Geography series. Spiritual Geography has been hailed by professionals in the mental health, legal, and ministerial fields as the first system to not only map the total healing process, but also provide practical spiritual tools that anyone can use to move from where they are to where they want to be — Peace. Visit Spiritual Geography for books, interactive maps, locators, and other Spiritual Geography materials. Reach Janet at {email janetconner@tampabay.rr.com}janetconner@tampabay.rr.com{/email}.© copyright 2006 by Janet Conner
— — —
The Country of Choice is rich with adventure. You get to try new thoughts, step into new experiences, and evaluate what you're learning. Keep doing that and you'll begin to see the pattern on which you build your new life: Think, experience, learn. Think, experience, learn. Think, experience, learn.
Do you see what the think-experience-learn pattern is doing? Mentally? Emotionally? Spiritually? Perhaps even physically? You are reprogramming yourself. In the Country of Illusion, you figured out that your old thoughts produced a life that didn't make you happy. You know you don't want that life anymore. Now, in Choice, you get to practice walking away from those old habitual patterns and in their place, consciously try on different ideas, different language, and different actions.
Language can be the hardest habit to change. You'll find your mouth opening and old words coming out. Things like: "I can't do that" or "I'll never have that kind of money" or "That'll never happen to me." This is the "cancel" stage in building a new life. When old ideas from your past come floating out of your mouth and you think, "Hey, wait a minute, that's not true for me anymore," snap your mouth shut. Then, say "CANCEL!" out loud — unless you're in a crowded mall and saying "Cancel!" out loud might get you carted away.
Then, ask yourself: What new words are true for me? You might find yourself standing still and thinking for a bit before you open your mouth again. And if you're with people, that can be a bit awkward. But if they're friends, they'll understand. In fact, if they're real friends, they'll start canceling right along with you. Just ask them to stop you when they hear you repeat your old, negative, self-defeating language.
During my "cancel" stage, I had two wonderful friends who would shout "CANCEL!" before I could finish an old-worded sentence. They helped me become conscious of how pervasive my negative language was. After being with them, I found I could cancel myself much more easily. It was as if they were still in the room canceling my words for me.
Well, one day, we three were talking about marriages and divorces. And the topic shifted to marriage vows — how we felt saying our marriage vows and then how we felt about those vows when we got a divorce. I opened my old-thinking mouth and said, "Marriage vows are a sham. There are no vows that can't be broken." My friends, upon hearing the word "can't," went into automatic cancel mode and shouted "Cancel!" simultaneously.
Well, if that thought about vows was false, what, I wondered, was true?
The next morning I talked with God about vows in my journal. "Dear God," I wrote, "are there any vows that can't be broken?" Talk about a question. I love this kind of rich, deep question. Ask a question like that in the presence of God and, as you keep the conversation going, layer upon layer upon layer of your knowing will peel back until you finally reach a core that feels solid.
In deep conversation with God, I concluded that vows aren't weighty promises made to fend off some undesirable future. No, true vows are words that articulate who I am, who I was, who I always will be. And if they are that — a description of who I am at my core - well, then, I could never break them, could I? To break them, I'd have to stop being me. That left one big, big question to explore: Dear God, who am I when I am fully me?
I asked. I made lists and pared them down. Is this true for me — always? I played with the words. Can I say it better? Clearer? More succinctly? More powerfully? What words make my heart sing in recognition? Slowly the list narrowed to seven short declarations. When the seven felt sufficiently cooked, I typed them on a piece of paper and taped it to the wall. "These," I said to God, "are my vows. This is who I am, the real me, the whole me, the authentic me — the me I uncovered talking to you."
Janet's Covenant
Pray always
Seek Truth
Surrender, there is no path but God's
Come from Love
Honor myself
Live in Partnership
Unite to create Good
I looked at my covenant. It felt good to have my seven vows on the wall, reminding me daily who I am. But it didn't feel quite complete. I wrote about that: "Dear God, what's missing?" Well, what was missing, I quickly learned, was the ceremony. When people declare their vows, they go through a ceremony — a wedding, novitiate, ordination — some kind of public declaration of their new commitment. That's what I needed — a celebration.
I called a circle of 11 wonderful women to witness my covenant with God on Nov. 11, 2000. I read my vows, then we prayed, and danced, and sang, and, oh yeah, drank champagne and feasted on caviar and salmon. To honor the occasion and cement it for all time, I traded all the jewelry my ex-husband had given me for one gorgeous dark orange Mexican opal ring with 11 tiny diamonds on each side and seven engraved on the inside. It was a glorious, glorious evening.
From cancellation to unbreakable vows. What a trek I'd had through Choice!
(Next week: How do you know when you've done the work of Choice? It will be crystal clear: You'll be ready to forgive.)
— — —
Janet Conner, S.E., is the cartographer of the map of Spiritual Geography and author of the Spiritual Geography series. Spiritual Geography has been hailed by professionals in the mental health, legal, and ministerial fields as the first system to not only map the total healing process, but also provide practical spiritual tools that anyone can use to move from where they are to where they want to be — Peace. Visit Spiritual Geography for books, interactive maps, locators, and other Spiritual Geography materials. Reach Janet at {email janetconner@tampabay.rr.com}janetconner@tampabay.rr.com{/email}.© copyright 2006 by Janet Conner