By: Phyllis Edgerly Ring

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Tuesday, February 20, 2007 at 1:01am

God knows what's best for us

Column: Life at First Sight
There's a very old story retold in a little book of Baha'u'llah's called "The Seven Valleys and the Four Valleys," about a love-infatuated man named Majnun who is seeking Layli, the driving obsession of his life. No matter how hard he searches, however, she eludes him. He becomes the local laughingstock as he even sifts the dust on the ground, trying not to overlook anything in his search for his beloved, writhing and grieving in his unsatisfied longing.

As it grows dark one night, he is spotted by a watchman who calls out for him to stop. Frightened, Majnun flees. Racing through narrow streets with the watchman in hot pursuit, he finds himself literally up against a wall and, in desperation, scales it and tumbles over into an enclosed garden on the other side. There, holding a lantern and searching for a ring she lost earlier in the day, is Layli.

"O God! Give thou glory to the watchman, and riches and long life," Majnun declares, "for the watchman was Gabriel, guiding this poor one." What appeared to be his nemesis actually led Majnun to what he desired most of all.

I was reminded of this story recently when a good friend wrote to say that she had become an aunt. This was simple enough news on the surface, but we both could recognize this latest development as something much greater.

For as long as I've known her, she has hoped to become a mother, though life hasn't accommodated that wish. Because she's been such a wonderful de facto aunt to our own two kids as they've grown up, it's been heartrending to see that none of her attempts to conceive a child have succeeded. And with every year came a deepening sadness that weighed on her like a heavy mantle.

As the years passed, circumstances arose that reflected a certain undeniable, if unwelcome, wisdom in the fact that she had remained childless. Her severe health challenges were sometimes more than I could imagine myself enduring. Adding the demands of parenthood to these seemed unimaginable. Yet none of this diminished her desire to experience it.

Around the time that she made an inner decision to finally let go of this hope, her brother developed a relationship that looked as though it would lead to marriage. It began through his correspondence with a young woman who had grown up in a former Soviet republic, a place whose citizens have seen their share of suffering. Although people he knew had mixed opinions about this approach to courtship, his sister encouraged him and also began to befriend his pen pal through her brother's letters.

Eventually, his new friend came for a visit, and it seemed to everyone that this lively and lovely woman had always been a part of the family. As she acclimated to a new and very different culture, her strongest ally was her newly adopted sister, my friend.

The couple married, and as the young woman settled into her new home, a curious exchange began to take place. She was afforded opportunities that would not have existed for her back home. She learned the language of her new country in less than a year while attending school to earn a degree in accounting.

As she blossomed, the spontaneous warmth of both her culture and her nature seemed to flood the hearts of her new family. Then the couple was astonished — and also a bit stunned — to discover that not only was she pregnant, but expecting twins.

For my friend, this news, while joyous, also must have been quite bittersweet. The pregnancy dominated the family, growing as big in the scheme of things as her slender sister-in-law's body did.

But when I received a letter from my friend after the birth, I suddenly could see a whole wondrous puzzle picture coming into focus, as though a long-missing piece had finally been laid in place. The advent of the two baby daughters had brought with it something very special that I actually could feel as I read my friend's letter.

I realized that these little girls were for her, as well. She was at a time of life when her energy and health were the best they had been in her adult life, and she had a heart brimming with love to share with them. They lived just minutes from her house, and already they were having that effect most multiples do: making their parents doubly delighted and grateful for extra arms to hold them, added hearts and faces to welcome and help to care for them.

And already, I could perceive another lovely sort of exchange taking place, one that life had ingeniously engineered. The mother comes from a part of the world where women are sometimes still kidnapped out of their homes in forced marriages. She is grateful that her new home offers freedoms her daughters otherwise might not have had.

Yet within her home culture, extended family also plays a huge role, both physically and emotionally, far more than it typically does in the United States. Being away from that, and being a brand-new mother at the same time, made her acutely aware of that lack, and she was feeling its loss.

So, if relatives around her had any doubts, they could quickly see that it was not only her generous heart that wanted to share these two new arrivals, but also her cultural inclination. For her, the circle just didn't feel complete without this very important connection.

Thus, my friend's new role as aunt had an incredibly special significance in this particular family. As it does in many cultures around the world, "Aunt" represents a child's second mother, really — or in this case, two children's.

"Will I have enough love for a child?" many parents wonder.

It is only in the experience of parenthood that we discover that babies have a way of bringing with them all the love they will need. What my friend is discovering is that they also bring the love that we need, too.

"O Thou kind Lord! These lovely children are the handiwork of the fingers of Thy might and the wondrous signs of Thy greatness. ... " — Abdu'l-Baha Baha'i Prayers, Page 36.

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Phyllis Edgerly Ring, mother of two, is a writer and editor. Her current book project addresses how adults can recognize and nurture children's spiritual nature. She is a former program director at Green Acre Baha'i School in Eliot, Maine, and has been a member of the Baha'i Faith for more than 30 years. Email her at {email columns@bahai.us}columns@bahai.us{/email}. See the website of the Baha'is of the United States for more information. © copyright 2007 by Phyllis Edgerly Ring