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Posted: March 20th, 2007 at 1:56am By: Janet Conner
"I don't want to talk about it."
How many times have you heard that refrain in your house? Did you hear it from your husband when you asked why he was so upset? Or from your wife when you asked why she snapped at you? Or from your teenager when you asked how her date went? Or from your father when you asked about your elderly mom's last visit to the doctor?
"I don't want to talk about it."
How about you? Have you said it? Did you say it when your best friend asked if something was wrong at home? Did you say it when your son asked why you were crying in the bathroom? Or when your spouse asked why you're sitting in the dark kitchen at 3 in the morning? Or when your lover asked why you were so distant?
Come on. You've said it. We've all said it. We've all reached that moment when we just could not share the woes buried deep in our hearts.
The truth is, "I don't want to talk about it" works. Well, sort of. The person who asks does stop asking. The asker usually sighs, gets up and leaves the room. He or she knows from experience that "I don't want to talk about it" means that real feelings, real emotions, real worries and real needs are not going to come out.
But here's the rub. The worries don't go away. They don't lessen. They do not get better. In fact, they get worse. Because when you say "I don't want to talk about it," you are admitting that there is an "it" — a problem; a hurt so great that you believe talking can't heal it.
While you're busy not disclosing that "it," it's busy destroying your health. In 1985, Dr. James Pennebaker, chair of the psychology department at the University of Texas at Austin, surveyed 200 people at a Dallas corporation on their health, the severity of traumas in their lives, and whether or not they had disclosed those traumas. In "Opening Up" (The Guildford Press, 1997), Dr. Pennebaker describes the surprising results:
"Those with the most health problems had experienced at least one childhood trauma that they had not confided. Of the 200 respondents, the 65 people with an undisclosed childhood trauma were more likely to have been diagnosed with virtually every major and minor health problem: cancer, high blood pressure, ulcers, flu, headaches, even earaches. Oddly, it made no difference what the particular trauma had been. The only distinguishing feature was that the trauma had not been talked about to others." (p.19)
In other words, "I don't want to talk about it" makes you sick.
In "Molecules of Emotion" (Scribner 1997), Candace Pert, Ph.D., a groundbreaking researcher in the field of molecular biology, discovered the brain chemistry that supports Pennebaker's finding:
"Blood flow is closely regulated by emotional peptides. ... If our emotions are blocked due to denial, repression or trauma, then blood flow can become chronically constricted, depriving the frontal cortex, as well as other organs, of vital nourishment." (p. 289)
Unexpressed negative emotions actually block the blood supply to your brain! Sounds like a parallel condition to heart disease: Stuck arteries restrict blood flow to the heart; stuck emotions restrict blood flow to the brain.
In other words, "I don't want to talk about it" is killing you.
But what if you DON'T want to talk about it? What if the person who's asking is not someone you can talk to about your problem? What if he or she is the source of the problem? Or not a good listener? Or not a capable listener? Or not a trustworthy listener?
You have to talk to someone. The psychological and medical research makes it clear that you've got to cleanse your cells of the toxic impact of negative emotions, or you're liable to get sick. But who can you talk to when there's no one to talk to?
When there's no one on earth to talk with, talk with God. God, in whatever form, name or image you assign, is the ideal listener because — here's the funny little paradox — God already knows. There's no reason to try to keep a secret from God. In fact, you can't. God already knows what happened and how you feel about it. God knows what you did and what was done to you. God knows that you are hurt and scared and ashamed and worried about your future.
YOU are the person who needs to review what happened and discover how you really feel about it at the deepest, even darkest, levels. You are the person who needs to ask questions and explore all the answers. You are the person in this conversation who needs wisdom, guidance and grace.
So, start talking — in writing. You could, I suppose, sit in a room and try to have a spoken conversation with God, but it might inspire the neighbors to call the police when the conversation gets intense — and if the pain is great, these conversations get very intense — and you might have a little difficulty figuring out when God is doing the talking. On paper, however, you can "scream" all you want and you'll know when you're finished venting and Spirit finally has a little room to step in and speak.
Put a pen in your hand and start telling your story directly to Spirit — with no secrets. In this uninhibited conversation, you are totally free to open your heart completely and fully, without fear of recrimination, judgment or shock. You can say anything and everything. The deeper the feeling, the more important it is to get it out of your body and onto paper. The greater the fear, the more comforting it is to share it and ask for guidance. The bigger the worry, the more relief you will feel handing it over to Spirit.
You will be rewarded for your efforts. You will feel heard. You will, over time, find your answers. And, you will cleanse your spirit, mind, AND body. Now, that's a pretty rich conversation.
(Next week: Can I ask God for a miracle?)
— — —
Janet Conner, S.E. (Spiritual Explorer), is the author of the Spiritual Geography series and is currently writing a book on the power of writing to activate the voice of God. The Spiritual Geography books are available through Amazon or Spiritual Geography. Reach Janet at {email janetconner@tampabay.rr.com}janetconner@tampabay.rr.com{/email}.© copyright 2007 by Janet Conner
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"I don't want to talk about it."
How many times have you heard that refrain in your house? Did you hear it from your husband when you asked why he was so upset? Or from your wife when you asked why she snapped at you? Or from your teenager when you asked how her date went? Or from your father when you asked about your elderly mom's last visit to the doctor?
"I don't want to talk about it."
How about you? Have you said it? Did you say it when your best friend asked if something was wrong at home? Did you say it when your son asked why you were crying in the bathroom? Or when your spouse asked why you're sitting in the dark kitchen at 3 in the morning? Or when your lover asked why you were so distant?
Come on. You've said it. We've all said it. We've all reached that moment when we just could not share the woes buried deep in our hearts.
The truth is, "I don't want to talk about it" works. Well, sort of. The person who asks does stop asking. The asker usually sighs, gets up and leaves the room. He or she knows from experience that "I don't want to talk about it" means that real feelings, real emotions, real worries and real needs are not going to come out.
But here's the rub. The worries don't go away. They don't lessen. They do not get better. In fact, they get worse. Because when you say "I don't want to talk about it," you are admitting that there is an "it" — a problem; a hurt so great that you believe talking can't heal it.
While you're busy not disclosing that "it," it's busy destroying your health. In 1985, Dr. James Pennebaker, chair of the psychology department at the University of Texas at Austin, surveyed 200 people at a Dallas corporation on their health, the severity of traumas in their lives, and whether or not they had disclosed those traumas. In "Opening Up" (The Guildford Press, 1997), Dr. Pennebaker describes the surprising results:
"Those with the most health problems had experienced at least one childhood trauma that they had not confided. Of the 200 respondents, the 65 people with an undisclosed childhood trauma were more likely to have been diagnosed with virtually every major and minor health problem: cancer, high blood pressure, ulcers, flu, headaches, even earaches. Oddly, it made no difference what the particular trauma had been. The only distinguishing feature was that the trauma had not been talked about to others." (p.19)
In other words, "I don't want to talk about it" makes you sick.
In "Molecules of Emotion" (Scribner 1997), Candace Pert, Ph.D., a groundbreaking researcher in the field of molecular biology, discovered the brain chemistry that supports Pennebaker's finding:
"Blood flow is closely regulated by emotional peptides. ... If our emotions are blocked due to denial, repression or trauma, then blood flow can become chronically constricted, depriving the frontal cortex, as well as other organs, of vital nourishment." (p. 289)
Unexpressed negative emotions actually block the blood supply to your brain! Sounds like a parallel condition to heart disease: Stuck arteries restrict blood flow to the heart; stuck emotions restrict blood flow to the brain.
In other words, "I don't want to talk about it" is killing you.
But what if you DON'T want to talk about it? What if the person who's asking is not someone you can talk to about your problem? What if he or she is the source of the problem? Or not a good listener? Or not a capable listener? Or not a trustworthy listener?
You have to talk to someone. The psychological and medical research makes it clear that you've got to cleanse your cells of the toxic impact of negative emotions, or you're liable to get sick. But who can you talk to when there's no one to talk to?
When there's no one on earth to talk with, talk with God. God, in whatever form, name or image you assign, is the ideal listener because — here's the funny little paradox — God already knows. There's no reason to try to keep a secret from God. In fact, you can't. God already knows what happened and how you feel about it. God knows what you did and what was done to you. God knows that you are hurt and scared and ashamed and worried about your future.
YOU are the person who needs to review what happened and discover how you really feel about it at the deepest, even darkest, levels. You are the person who needs to ask questions and explore all the answers. You are the person in this conversation who needs wisdom, guidance and grace.
So, start talking — in writing. You could, I suppose, sit in a room and try to have a spoken conversation with God, but it might inspire the neighbors to call the police when the conversation gets intense — and if the pain is great, these conversations get very intense — and you might have a little difficulty figuring out when God is doing the talking. On paper, however, you can "scream" all you want and you'll know when you're finished venting and Spirit finally has a little room to step in and speak.
Put a pen in your hand and start telling your story directly to Spirit — with no secrets. In this uninhibited conversation, you are totally free to open your heart completely and fully, without fear of recrimination, judgment or shock. You can say anything and everything. The deeper the feeling, the more important it is to get it out of your body and onto paper. The greater the fear, the more comforting it is to share it and ask for guidance. The bigger the worry, the more relief you will feel handing it over to Spirit.
You will be rewarded for your efforts. You will feel heard. You will, over time, find your answers. And, you will cleanse your spirit, mind, AND body. Now, that's a pretty rich conversation.
(Next week: Can I ask God for a miracle?)
— — —
Janet Conner, S.E. (Spiritual Explorer), is the author of the Spiritual Geography series and is currently writing a book on the power of writing to activate the voice of God. The Spiritual Geography books are available through Amazon or Spiritual Geography. Reach Janet at {email janetconner@tampabay.rr.com}janetconner@tampabay.rr.com{/email}.© copyright 2007 by Janet Conner
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