Monday, June 4, 2007 at 1:01am
Friends and lovers
Column: Love, God and Sex
Friday's New York Times has a review of the movie "Knocked Up." The review describes the movie's central theme as the conflict whether or not to do "the right thing" when the main character gets pregnant.
An earlier New York Times article talked about how director Judd Apatow's own conflicts on marriage and morality are reflected in his films. Apatow also directed "The 40-Year-Old Virgin." The theme of that movie was that sex is best when you're in love. Apatow is quoted as saying, "There's something honorable about holding out for love and not breaking up for the sake of the baby. I see people get divorced, and there is a part of me that thinks, I wonder how hard they tried."
Which brings me to the title of this piece: As those of you who are familiar with pop psychology know, "BFF" is the text message shorthand of "best friends forever." Paris and Nicole were supposed to be BFFs, but their friendship turned out to be just as shorthand as the designation for it.
I learned the meaning of the term "FB" from my Personal Adjustment class. We were talking about sex and different styles of sexual relationship. I asked whether anyone thought it was possible to have sex with a friend and remain friends. "You mean FBs," came the response. The B in FB refers to "buddy." The F in FB refers to the word most often used for having sex. In an FB relationship, there's no entanglement; there's an understanding that the relationship is non-committal.
After reading about Apatow this week, I realized that the kind of relationships he was depicting in his movies could be defined as BFFFB relationships.
It may sound corny, but a long-lasting relationship is one in which spouses are BFFs. I'm sure most of us have, at minimum, one or two people with whom we've been friends for a long time. These are the people you can phone, after not speaking for several years, and pick up your conversation at exactly the same place as where you left off. A spouse who is a BFF is someone whose well-being is as important to you as your own. When one is in need, the other counsels, advises and chastises, but always remains honest. Best friends are continuously excited about each other's lives. Spouse as BFF means that you're continuously renewing your interest in one another's life. I think it also means that you have to continuously renew your interest in life. The paradox of many marriages is that despite having all the trappings of having a fulfilling life — big house, career, children, BMW — couples are still unhappy. These kinds of marriages spur the blame game in which a lack of marital vitality is attributed to the other partner.
Which brings us to FBs: While traveling home from Oregon last week, I decided that my husband of 25 years was my FB in addition to being my BFF. In our relationship, the B part is just as important as the F part. Buddies love each other unconditionally. Buddies want to build each other up, not tear each other down. Buddies know when to speak and when to shut up. Buddies don't take each other's neuroses seriously. Buddies trust each other, and trust is essential to the "F" part. When you trust your sexual partner, you can relax. And relaxation is the basis for the most fulfilling orgasms.
It's gratifying to read about people like Mr. Apatow, whose work supports the idea that it's possible to have BFFFB marriages. I don't know how easy it is to accomplish that in our age. "I" has become more important than "we," and a marriage is definitely about "we."
From a spiritual perspective, the real BFF is God. When I talk about God, I'm talking about the highest and best that's within you. God is the stillness and calm within. It's an energy that you can access that connects you with the infinite creative power of the universe. Love is God because love is the energy of connection. To bring God into a marriage is to live in the awareness that one is already connected to Love.
The latest issue of Glamour magazine features an article on what couples do to keep their sex hot. Their secrets range from doing it in public to talking dirty to one another to only having sex bimonthly. There seems to be no dearth of novel ideas for keeping sex fresh. But keeping the love fresh takes consistently connecting to the highest and best within you, which means connecting to God.
There's an anecdote in the New York Times article on Judd Apatow describing how comedian Garry Shandling advised Apatow that when "The 40-Year Old Virgin" (played by Steve Carrell) finally has sex, the audience has to understand that his sex "is better than everybody else's sex because he's in love." The last scene of the movie shows the new non-virgin Carrell singing and dancing with his spouse and other cast members to the strains of "This is the dawning of the Age of Aquarius" from the musical "Hair." The scene is played with such exuberance and delight as if Carrell has achieved the heights of heaven.
I wonder if Mr. Apatow, with his success at depicting the high ground in relationships, will ever make a movie about BFFFBs.
— — —
Dr. Sorah Dubitsky, Ph.D., is an author, speaker, teacher and healer. She conducts workshops and seminars on love, marriage, sexuality and spirituality as well as offers individual and couples counseling. She is also a fellow at Florida International University's Center for the Study of Spirituality. Her book "A Chorus of Wisdom" is available at Amazon.com and all major online and retail book outlets. Visit her website and her blog, Healing Relationships. Send an email to {email dr.sorah@drsorah.com}dr.sorah@drsorah.com{/email}. © copyright 2007 by Dr. Sorah Dubitsky
An earlier New York Times article talked about how director Judd Apatow's own conflicts on marriage and morality are reflected in his films. Apatow also directed "The 40-Year-Old Virgin." The theme of that movie was that sex is best when you're in love. Apatow is quoted as saying, "There's something honorable about holding out for love and not breaking up for the sake of the baby. I see people get divorced, and there is a part of me that thinks, I wonder how hard they tried."
Which brings me to the title of this piece: As those of you who are familiar with pop psychology know, "BFF" is the text message shorthand of "best friends forever." Paris and Nicole were supposed to be BFFs, but their friendship turned out to be just as shorthand as the designation for it.
I learned the meaning of the term "FB" from my Personal Adjustment class. We were talking about sex and different styles of sexual relationship. I asked whether anyone thought it was possible to have sex with a friend and remain friends. "You mean FBs," came the response. The B in FB refers to "buddy." The F in FB refers to the word most often used for having sex. In an FB relationship, there's no entanglement; there's an understanding that the relationship is non-committal.
After reading about Apatow this week, I realized that the kind of relationships he was depicting in his movies could be defined as BFFFB relationships.
It may sound corny, but a long-lasting relationship is one in which spouses are BFFs. I'm sure most of us have, at minimum, one or two people with whom we've been friends for a long time. These are the people you can phone, after not speaking for several years, and pick up your conversation at exactly the same place as where you left off. A spouse who is a BFF is someone whose well-being is as important to you as your own. When one is in need, the other counsels, advises and chastises, but always remains honest. Best friends are continuously excited about each other's lives. Spouse as BFF means that you're continuously renewing your interest in one another's life. I think it also means that you have to continuously renew your interest in life. The paradox of many marriages is that despite having all the trappings of having a fulfilling life — big house, career, children, BMW — couples are still unhappy. These kinds of marriages spur the blame game in which a lack of marital vitality is attributed to the other partner.
Which brings us to FBs: While traveling home from Oregon last week, I decided that my husband of 25 years was my FB in addition to being my BFF. In our relationship, the B part is just as important as the F part. Buddies love each other unconditionally. Buddies want to build each other up, not tear each other down. Buddies know when to speak and when to shut up. Buddies don't take each other's neuroses seriously. Buddies trust each other, and trust is essential to the "F" part. When you trust your sexual partner, you can relax. And relaxation is the basis for the most fulfilling orgasms.
It's gratifying to read about people like Mr. Apatow, whose work supports the idea that it's possible to have BFFFB marriages. I don't know how easy it is to accomplish that in our age. "I" has become more important than "we," and a marriage is definitely about "we."
From a spiritual perspective, the real BFF is God. When I talk about God, I'm talking about the highest and best that's within you. God is the stillness and calm within. It's an energy that you can access that connects you with the infinite creative power of the universe. Love is God because love is the energy of connection. To bring God into a marriage is to live in the awareness that one is already connected to Love.
The latest issue of Glamour magazine features an article on what couples do to keep their sex hot. Their secrets range from doing it in public to talking dirty to one another to only having sex bimonthly. There seems to be no dearth of novel ideas for keeping sex fresh. But keeping the love fresh takes consistently connecting to the highest and best within you, which means connecting to God.
There's an anecdote in the New York Times article on Judd Apatow describing how comedian Garry Shandling advised Apatow that when "The 40-Year Old Virgin" (played by Steve Carrell) finally has sex, the audience has to understand that his sex "is better than everybody else's sex because he's in love." The last scene of the movie shows the new non-virgin Carrell singing and dancing with his spouse and other cast members to the strains of "This is the dawning of the Age of Aquarius" from the musical "Hair." The scene is played with such exuberance and delight as if Carrell has achieved the heights of heaven.
I wonder if Mr. Apatow, with his success at depicting the high ground in relationships, will ever make a movie about BFFFBs.
— — —
Dr. Sorah Dubitsky, Ph.D., is an author, speaker, teacher and healer. She conducts workshops and seminars on love, marriage, sexuality and spirituality as well as offers individual and couples counseling. She is also a fellow at Florida International University's Center for the Study of Spirituality. Her book "A Chorus of Wisdom" is available at Amazon.com and all major online and retail book outlets. Visit her website and her blog, Healing Relationships. Send an email to {email dr.sorah@drsorah.com}dr.sorah@drsorah.com{/email}. © copyright 2007 by Dr. Sorah Dubitsky