Monday, June 25, 2007 at 2:02am
Cruising altitude
Column: Love, God and Sex
My husband remarked the other week that my sister seemed happier. "She has a new boyfriend," I said. "Oh, I understand," he said.
It's so interesting to witness how love can send people to the heights of happiness or send them crashing to the depths of despair. Last year a friend called to say that she'd lost 30 pounds. Why? She was dating a new beau. A few months later another friend called to say that she'd also lost 30 pounds. Why? She was getting a divorce. Both events precipitated the same change in appetite resulting in substantial weight loss based on opposite ends of the emotional spectrum.
Staying in a committed marriage for a lifetime seems a goal too few people are willing to commit to. Keeping love alive takes work, and the "you and me against the world" ideal can easily fall into a "you and me against each other" reality when "me" becomes more important than "we." The thing that's hardest about marriage is that you always have to take someone else's needs into consideration: Want to travel? What will your spouse think? Want to change your hair color? What will your spouse think? Want to accept a new job on the other side of the country? How will that affect your spouse's career? Want to have sex? Is your spouse in the mood?
Having to take someone else's wants and needs into consideration contributes to emotional and spiritual maturity. In a world where work/life balance is becoming more and more unbalanced, putting your marriage first may seem unrealistic. A marriage is a like a garden. In order to thrive, it needs cultivation. Without being tended to, a garden becomes overrun with weeds. When a marriage isn't tended to, the weeds of doubt and insecurity flourish instead of the roses of rapture. And sex life suffers.
I envision great sex to be like flying an airplane. You can't go anywhere if your plane can't get off the ground. Unfortunately, it seems our society's fix for sexual problems is to take performance-enhancing herbs, pills or gels. There are plenty of those available on the market. I must see at least half a dozen TV commercials a day promising that "you'll be ready when the time is right." To go back to the plane metaphor: An airplane is an intricate piece of machinery, and while taking a pill might achieve liftoff, will it enable the plane to reach maximum cruising altitude? To attain maximum cruising altitude in sex, you have to deal with the whole plane, rather than some mechanical failure.
The key to reaching cruising altitude in sex, as well as in the entirety of married life, is opening the heart. The heart is the engine of a marriage, and it's the engine of great sex. Without an open heart, couples are relegated to the soulless seeking of one-night stands that deplete rather than fill up.
It's really interesting to note that, according to the results of a new study, marriage is a cure for depression. The effects were strongest for those people who were the most depressed before they got married. It's as though love is a magic elixir that will cure whatever ails you. It's chicken soup for the soul, to which the very successful book series will attest.
I once had a friend complain to me that her husband of 25 years knew exactly what it took to get her up to cruising altitude. She complained because, although he was adept, and she had spectacular orgasms, their sex life lacked the excitement of novelty. I had to remind her that the excitement of novelty soon wears off, and that most single people, especially women, would trade novelty for certainty any day.
One of the pieces of advice I gave my sister was to wait at least six months before she had sex with her new boyfriend. Of course, I realize that this is completely unrealistic. Being an adult above the age of consent, I don't think she heeded my advice, nor have I asked. But I believe a relationship of the heart has to develop before a relationship of the groin. Sex is not a substitute for love, even though many people think it is, and real, full-out, unconditional love, the kind that lasts a lifetime, takes a lifetime to develop.
— — —
Dr. Sorah Dubitsky, Ph.D., is an author, speaker, teacher and healer. She conducts workshops and seminars on love, marriage, sexuality and spirituality as well as offers individual and couples counseling. She is also a fellow at Florida International University's Center for the Study of Spirituality. Her book "A Chorus of Wisdom" is available at Amazon.com and all major online and retail book outlets. Visit her website and her blog, Healing Relationships. Send an email to {email dr.sorah@drsorah.com}dr.sorah@drsorah.com{/email}. © copyright 2007 by Dr. Sorah Dubitsky.
It's so interesting to witness how love can send people to the heights of happiness or send them crashing to the depths of despair. Last year a friend called to say that she'd lost 30 pounds. Why? She was dating a new beau. A few months later another friend called to say that she'd also lost 30 pounds. Why? She was getting a divorce. Both events precipitated the same change in appetite resulting in substantial weight loss based on opposite ends of the emotional spectrum.
Staying in a committed marriage for a lifetime seems a goal too few people are willing to commit to. Keeping love alive takes work, and the "you and me against the world" ideal can easily fall into a "you and me against each other" reality when "me" becomes more important than "we." The thing that's hardest about marriage is that you always have to take someone else's needs into consideration: Want to travel? What will your spouse think? Want to change your hair color? What will your spouse think? Want to accept a new job on the other side of the country? How will that affect your spouse's career? Want to have sex? Is your spouse in the mood?
Having to take someone else's wants and needs into consideration contributes to emotional and spiritual maturity. In a world where work/life balance is becoming more and more unbalanced, putting your marriage first may seem unrealistic. A marriage is a like a garden. In order to thrive, it needs cultivation. Without being tended to, a garden becomes overrun with weeds. When a marriage isn't tended to, the weeds of doubt and insecurity flourish instead of the roses of rapture. And sex life suffers.
I envision great sex to be like flying an airplane. You can't go anywhere if your plane can't get off the ground. Unfortunately, it seems our society's fix for sexual problems is to take performance-enhancing herbs, pills or gels. There are plenty of those available on the market. I must see at least half a dozen TV commercials a day promising that "you'll be ready when the time is right." To go back to the plane metaphor: An airplane is an intricate piece of machinery, and while taking a pill might achieve liftoff, will it enable the plane to reach maximum cruising altitude? To attain maximum cruising altitude in sex, you have to deal with the whole plane, rather than some mechanical failure.
The key to reaching cruising altitude in sex, as well as in the entirety of married life, is opening the heart. The heart is the engine of a marriage, and it's the engine of great sex. Without an open heart, couples are relegated to the soulless seeking of one-night stands that deplete rather than fill up.
It's really interesting to note that, according to the results of a new study, marriage is a cure for depression. The effects were strongest for those people who were the most depressed before they got married. It's as though love is a magic elixir that will cure whatever ails you. It's chicken soup for the soul, to which the very successful book series will attest.
I once had a friend complain to me that her husband of 25 years knew exactly what it took to get her up to cruising altitude. She complained because, although he was adept, and she had spectacular orgasms, their sex life lacked the excitement of novelty. I had to remind her that the excitement of novelty soon wears off, and that most single people, especially women, would trade novelty for certainty any day.
One of the pieces of advice I gave my sister was to wait at least six months before she had sex with her new boyfriend. Of course, I realize that this is completely unrealistic. Being an adult above the age of consent, I don't think she heeded my advice, nor have I asked. But I believe a relationship of the heart has to develop before a relationship of the groin. Sex is not a substitute for love, even though many people think it is, and real, full-out, unconditional love, the kind that lasts a lifetime, takes a lifetime to develop.
— — —
Dr. Sorah Dubitsky, Ph.D., is an author, speaker, teacher and healer. She conducts workshops and seminars on love, marriage, sexuality and spirituality as well as offers individual and couples counseling. She is also a fellow at Florida International University's Center for the Study of Spirituality. Her book "A Chorus of Wisdom" is available at Amazon.com and all major online and retail book outlets. Visit her website and her blog, Healing Relationships. Send an email to {email dr.sorah@drsorah.com}dr.sorah@drsorah.com{/email}. © copyright 2007 by Dr. Sorah Dubitsky.