Monday, July 2, 2007 at 1:01am
Love or lust: is there a difference?
Column: Love, God and Sex
Perhaps because I write a column about sex, I've been getting more and more SPAM promising me long lasting erections and a larger penis.
It would save the spammers time and energy if they realized I was a woman so sending me news about their pills and potions is pointless. Yet there is a point: sex sells. The latest Old Spice commercial is a perfect example. Bruce Campbell, a recognizable B grade actor, sits at a piano surrounded by a bevy of beauties crooning nonsensically while they inch closer and closer to him. A bottle of the new product Ahoy Body Spray stands like an erect penis on a coffee table. I'm not kidding. See for yourself.
With the institutionalization of sexual salesmanship, one would think that all it took to have a great marriage was great sex. Great sex is only a small part of a great marriage. As I've written before, sex is not love, although sometimes it feels like it. Lust and love are easily confused. But the surge of adrenaline that accompanies lust only lasts a year at most. If there's nothing else binding a couple to one another, then it's easy to be left with an "is that all there is" emptiness that leaves you searching for the next rush of lust.
Part of the confusion of lust with love, I think, lies in the fact that we're wired to respond sexually even before we're aware of it. In other words sexual images, a touch or a glance will get the juices going before the brain registers "I'm horny." Think about it. The motor reflex action that generates sexual responsiveness occurs before any thoughts of sexual desire reach awareness. This is an important finding for marriage. It means that keeping the sexual spark alive can be more easily achieved if couples focus on physiology rather than psychology. Simply put, to keep sexual activity alive, keep your sensory activity alive. We have five senses: taste, touch, smell, hearing and vision. Stimulate all of them. Fill your home, and especially the bedroom, with scent, music, and scenery. Skip McDonald's and make homemade soups and stews that fill the house with mouth watering aromas.
The thing that's most likely to kill off sexual appetite is stress. In our 24/7 work world it's hard to avoid the pressure that our jobs put on us. Even young dating couples are feeling the pressure. A recent Wall Street Journal article spoke about how couples are getting together for dinner, with laptops in tow; then after dinner and drinks, they put in a couple of hours working, albeit side by side, but they are still working.
There's no doubt that sex is a stress reliever. The feeling of warmth and contentment after orgasm is also a psychological reinforcer - meaning it makes us want to have more orgasms. As we know, you don't need a partner to have an orgasm. Masturbation will produce orgasms. For some of my clients, it's the only way they can orgasm; they find it easier to relax when they are by themselves than when they are with a partner. The presence of a partner produces performance anxiety. The presence of a partner means they have to focus on someone else's pleasure, rather than just they're own.
Yet according to Neale Donald Walsch, author of the Conversations with God material, our purpose here on planet earth is to focus on the well-being of others. His whole message in a talk I heard him give this week, echoes Pastor Rick Warren's message in A Purpose Driven Life: it's not about you. Walsch's message to a Unity Church audience was that our purpose here is to heal others by Being the Channel for God's love. Walsch was quoting from a new book he wrote that will be out some time this fall. The book is called How to be Happier than God. Walsch kept emphasizing the book's first point: to be happier than God "give whatever it is you want to receive." He even jokingly extended the message to sex: to receive great sex, give great sex.
In my own married life, I've found that to be true, not just in my sex life, but in every aspect of marital intimacy. If I wanted to be listened to, I had to learn to listen. If I wanted to be caressed, I had to learn to caress. Any pleasure I wanted to receive, I had to learn to give.
To couples who are caught up in our high speed hyper stressed world, I offer the following piece of advice: slow down, put the world on hold and focus on each other's pleasure. We all know that sex is healing; having sex as a channel for God's Love heals the soul as well as the body.
— — —
Dr. Sorah Dubitsky, Ph.D., is an author, speaker, teacher and healer. She conducts workshops and seminars on love, marriage, sexuality and spirituality as well as offers individual and couples counseling. She is also a fellow at Florida International University's Center for the Study of Spirituality. Her book, A Chorus of Wisdom is available at Amazon.com and all major online and retail book outlets. Visit her website and her blog, Healing Relationships. Send an email to {email dr.sorah@drsorah.com}dr.sorah@drsorah.com{/email}. © copyright 2007 by Dr. Sorah Dubitsky
It would save the spammers time and energy if they realized I was a woman so sending me news about their pills and potions is pointless. Yet there is a point: sex sells. The latest Old Spice commercial is a perfect example. Bruce Campbell, a recognizable B grade actor, sits at a piano surrounded by a bevy of beauties crooning nonsensically while they inch closer and closer to him. A bottle of the new product Ahoy Body Spray stands like an erect penis on a coffee table. I'm not kidding. See for yourself.
With the institutionalization of sexual salesmanship, one would think that all it took to have a great marriage was great sex. Great sex is only a small part of a great marriage. As I've written before, sex is not love, although sometimes it feels like it. Lust and love are easily confused. But the surge of adrenaline that accompanies lust only lasts a year at most. If there's nothing else binding a couple to one another, then it's easy to be left with an "is that all there is" emptiness that leaves you searching for the next rush of lust.
Part of the confusion of lust with love, I think, lies in the fact that we're wired to respond sexually even before we're aware of it. In other words sexual images, a touch or a glance will get the juices going before the brain registers "I'm horny." Think about it. The motor reflex action that generates sexual responsiveness occurs before any thoughts of sexual desire reach awareness. This is an important finding for marriage. It means that keeping the sexual spark alive can be more easily achieved if couples focus on physiology rather than psychology. Simply put, to keep sexual activity alive, keep your sensory activity alive. We have five senses: taste, touch, smell, hearing and vision. Stimulate all of them. Fill your home, and especially the bedroom, with scent, music, and scenery. Skip McDonald's and make homemade soups and stews that fill the house with mouth watering aromas.
The thing that's most likely to kill off sexual appetite is stress. In our 24/7 work world it's hard to avoid the pressure that our jobs put on us. Even young dating couples are feeling the pressure. A recent Wall Street Journal article spoke about how couples are getting together for dinner, with laptops in tow; then after dinner and drinks, they put in a couple of hours working, albeit side by side, but they are still working.
There's no doubt that sex is a stress reliever. The feeling of warmth and contentment after orgasm is also a psychological reinforcer - meaning it makes us want to have more orgasms. As we know, you don't need a partner to have an orgasm. Masturbation will produce orgasms. For some of my clients, it's the only way they can orgasm; they find it easier to relax when they are by themselves than when they are with a partner. The presence of a partner produces performance anxiety. The presence of a partner means they have to focus on someone else's pleasure, rather than just they're own.
Yet according to Neale Donald Walsch, author of the Conversations with God material, our purpose here on planet earth is to focus on the well-being of others. His whole message in a talk I heard him give this week, echoes Pastor Rick Warren's message in A Purpose Driven Life: it's not about you. Walsch's message to a Unity Church audience was that our purpose here is to heal others by Being the Channel for God's love. Walsch was quoting from a new book he wrote that will be out some time this fall. The book is called How to be Happier than God. Walsch kept emphasizing the book's first point: to be happier than God "give whatever it is you want to receive." He even jokingly extended the message to sex: to receive great sex, give great sex.
In my own married life, I've found that to be true, not just in my sex life, but in every aspect of marital intimacy. If I wanted to be listened to, I had to learn to listen. If I wanted to be caressed, I had to learn to caress. Any pleasure I wanted to receive, I had to learn to give.
To couples who are caught up in our high speed hyper stressed world, I offer the following piece of advice: slow down, put the world on hold and focus on each other's pleasure. We all know that sex is healing; having sex as a channel for God's Love heals the soul as well as the body.
— — —
Dr. Sorah Dubitsky, Ph.D., is an author, speaker, teacher and healer. She conducts workshops and seminars on love, marriage, sexuality and spirituality as well as offers individual and couples counseling. She is also a fellow at Florida International University's Center for the Study of Spirituality. Her book, A Chorus of Wisdom is available at Amazon.com and all major online and retail book outlets. Visit her website and her blog, Healing Relationships. Send an email to {email dr.sorah@drsorah.com}dr.sorah@drsorah.com{/email}. © copyright 2007 by Dr. Sorah Dubitsky