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Posted: July 9th, 2007 at 2:28am By: Sorah Dubitsky
Last winter Alice and Sheldon, Larry's sister and brother-in-law, took their annual snowbird sojourn to Boca Raton. We drove up to visit them and were sitting by their hotel pool. It was January, so it was a little cool in Florida. Alice asked Sheldon to go up to their room to get her jacket before we left for dinner. Sheldon left and came back a few minutes later with a jacket hung over his arm. Alice said it was the wrong jacket. "How could you bring me the wrong jacket?" Sheldon said that this was the jacket lying on the bed. She said I didn't want that jacket; I wanted the one hanging in the closet. He said what's wrong with this jacket. She said it doesn't go with my outfit. He said you didn't tell me which jacket. She says you should have known. You always get things wrong.
Larry and I flashed each other knowing looks and worked hard at remaining expressionless. We each wanted to laugh. We'd witnessed the Alice and Sheldon show before. If they weren't bickering over the wrong jacket, they were bickering over the wrong wine, or food left on the grill too long, or that one of them was eating too many sweets. Bickering was a continuous part of their conversation, yet they had stayed married "in sickness and health, for richer and poorer, and better or worse" for over 50 years.
The most amazing part of the Alice and Sheldon incident was that during the whole time they were bickering, Sheldon never stopped smiling. At some level he knew that the bickering was meaningless and the love that bound him and Alice together was stronger than any "wrong jacket" conflict.
I bring up Alice and Sheldon because of an article I read in The New York Times. The article cited a Pew Research Institute study that said that early marital bliss lasts only three years. The same article went on to say that the median length of time for divorces to occur was seven years. In other words the floating-in-air feeling of love is short-lived. What's more, half of all divorces take place within the first seven years of marriage.
Songs, poems and spiritual teachings all praise the power of love to cure all ills and bring everlasting happiness. And yet, when in the course of living life, ethereal love returns to earth, today's couples no longer think they're in love. Which brings me to ask the question: What is love? Is the "happily ever" brand of love real love? Is a marriage with sporadic bickering not a loving marriage?
We're not taught that the relationship tools we need to have a long-lasting, happy marriage are the same tools we need to get along with anyone. Increasingly success in the world will depend on the ability to get along with others.
I was reminded this week in correspondence with Larry Moffitt, the original editor of this website, of his belief that "world peace begins in the bedroom." After reading about the studies above, I agree with Larry more than ever. Having a soul-nourishing relationship creates people who can reach the heights that will enable them to fly. I recently heard spiritual teacher Marianne Williamson say that the way to save the world is to become the person you were meant to be.
In my book "A Chorus of Wisdom," Steve and Ondrea Levine talk about "wholehearted relationships." In order to have a wholehearted relationship, you must open your own heart, and that takes courage, because opening yourself without censorship makes you vulnerable. Your defenses are gone, your heart is transparent, and all your pimples and warts are visible to the naked eye. You have to accept yourself and your partner as loving, open and trusting, yet at the same time knowing that each one of you has issues that are not resolved and may never be resolved. Showing compassion for each other's pain is one of the greatest gifts of love.
In romantic love the heart resonates to the splendid parts of the loved one and we magnify these lovely parts to encompass the whole person ... and delude ourselves that we know the wholeness of this person. But underneath it all are the wounds and scars of past trials and tribulations. The psychologist Jung called this our dark side. The dark side will slide out of its hiding place of repression and will eventually emerge, and surface in an unpleasant manner sooner or later.
Love is not enough to maintain a wholehearted relationship. Compassion, empathy and acceptance are needed as well. The compassionate heart creates relationships here on earth that reflect heaven's purpose. Sheldon and Alice, whether they realize it or not, have that kind of relationship. They accept each other wholeheartedly, in spite of their bickering, and in turn, everyone they meet feels loved and accepted.
— — —
Dr. Sorah Dubitsky, Ph.D., is an author, speaker, teacher and healer. She conducts workshops and seminars on love, marriage, sexuality and spirituality as well as offers individual and couples counseling. She is also a fellow at Florida International University's Center for the Study of Spirituality. Her book "A Chorus of Wisdom" is available at Amazon.com and all major online and retail book outlets. Visit her website and her blog, Healing Relationships. Send an email to {email dr.sorah@drsorah.com}dr.sorah@drsorah.com{/email}. © copyright 2007 by Dr. Sorah Dubitsky.
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Last winter Alice and Sheldon, Larry's sister and brother-in-law, took their annual snowbird sojourn to Boca Raton. We drove up to visit them and were sitting by their hotel pool. It was January, so it was a little cool in Florida. Alice asked Sheldon to go up to their room to get her jacket before we left for dinner. Sheldon left and came back a few minutes later with a jacket hung over his arm. Alice said it was the wrong jacket. "How could you bring me the wrong jacket?" Sheldon said that this was the jacket lying on the bed. She said I didn't want that jacket; I wanted the one hanging in the closet. He said what's wrong with this jacket. She said it doesn't go with my outfit. He said you didn't tell me which jacket. She says you should have known. You always get things wrong.
Larry and I flashed each other knowing looks and worked hard at remaining expressionless. We each wanted to laugh. We'd witnessed the Alice and Sheldon show before. If they weren't bickering over the wrong jacket, they were bickering over the wrong wine, or food left on the grill too long, or that one of them was eating too many sweets. Bickering was a continuous part of their conversation, yet they had stayed married "in sickness and health, for richer and poorer, and better or worse" for over 50 years.
The most amazing part of the Alice and Sheldon incident was that during the whole time they were bickering, Sheldon never stopped smiling. At some level he knew that the bickering was meaningless and the love that bound him and Alice together was stronger than any "wrong jacket" conflict.
I bring up Alice and Sheldon because of an article I read in The New York Times. The article cited a Pew Research Institute study that said that early marital bliss lasts only three years. The same article went on to say that the median length of time for divorces to occur was seven years. In other words the floating-in-air feeling of love is short-lived. What's more, half of all divorces take place within the first seven years of marriage.
Songs, poems and spiritual teachings all praise the power of love to cure all ills and bring everlasting happiness. And yet, when in the course of living life, ethereal love returns to earth, today's couples no longer think they're in love. Which brings me to ask the question: What is love? Is the "happily ever" brand of love real love? Is a marriage with sporadic bickering not a loving marriage?
We're not taught that the relationship tools we need to have a long-lasting, happy marriage are the same tools we need to get along with anyone. Increasingly success in the world will depend on the ability to get along with others.
I was reminded this week in correspondence with Larry Moffitt, the original editor of this website, of his belief that "world peace begins in the bedroom." After reading about the studies above, I agree with Larry more than ever. Having a soul-nourishing relationship creates people who can reach the heights that will enable them to fly. I recently heard spiritual teacher Marianne Williamson say that the way to save the world is to become the person you were meant to be.
In my book "A Chorus of Wisdom," Steve and Ondrea Levine talk about "wholehearted relationships." In order to have a wholehearted relationship, you must open your own heart, and that takes courage, because opening yourself without censorship makes you vulnerable. Your defenses are gone, your heart is transparent, and all your pimples and warts are visible to the naked eye. You have to accept yourself and your partner as loving, open and trusting, yet at the same time knowing that each one of you has issues that are not resolved and may never be resolved. Showing compassion for each other's pain is one of the greatest gifts of love.
In romantic love the heart resonates to the splendid parts of the loved one and we magnify these lovely parts to encompass the whole person ... and delude ourselves that we know the wholeness of this person. But underneath it all are the wounds and scars of past trials and tribulations. The psychologist Jung called this our dark side. The dark side will slide out of its hiding place of repression and will eventually emerge, and surface in an unpleasant manner sooner or later.
Love is not enough to maintain a wholehearted relationship. Compassion, empathy and acceptance are needed as well. The compassionate heart creates relationships here on earth that reflect heaven's purpose. Sheldon and Alice, whether they realize it or not, have that kind of relationship. They accept each other wholeheartedly, in spite of their bickering, and in turn, everyone they meet feels loved and accepted.
— — —
Dr. Sorah Dubitsky, Ph.D., is an author, speaker, teacher and healer. She conducts workshops and seminars on love, marriage, sexuality and spirituality as well as offers individual and couples counseling. She is also a fellow at Florida International University's Center for the Study of Spirituality. Her book "A Chorus of Wisdom" is available at Amazon.com and all major online and retail book outlets. Visit her website and her blog, Healing Relationships. Send an email to {email dr.sorah@drsorah.com}dr.sorah@drsorah.com{/email}. © copyright 2007 by Dr. Sorah Dubitsky.
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