Friday, July 20, 2007 at 1:01am
Family
Column: Interesting Times
His mother called. He had to send her $900 immediately-for her car repairs. His 50-year old mother only called for money, never to find out how he was. She never came to visit, though he lives 50 miles away. Nor had he visited her. Family histories, expectations, troubles can be endemic.
For years he had tried to help her get through a series of dangerous and unproductive men.
Since he was 20, he had paid for a place for her and any one of the men to live on 10 acres in California — where he discovered after some years that she grew pot. She had not cooked him a meal since he was 10. No birthday cards, no gifts and no phone calls — except for when she wanted money. This time, this call, he suggested ways she could pay for her own car expenses. He was greedy, she said, he should pay. They argued; he hung up. The current man in the series called to threaten him if he didn't pay for their car repair.
Sounds insane, doesn't it? What is the obligation of a son to a mother? A mother to a son? What does the Commandment to honor thy mother and father mean?
If a working mother past retirement age sends her 50-year-old daughter thousands of dollars a month under the guise of the daughter struggling alone to finish a doctorate, and then the mother discovers the daughter is living with a man, going to a bar at night for drinks, the daughter never writes or calls to say thank you for the monthly checks, what does the mother do?
So many questions about family relations, so many pains, so much self-righteousness — what to do? Is there anything more difficult than family? When it goes well, when there is love and laughter and trust, then nothing is better than family. When there is sorrow and comfort is needed, family represents the arms of God. When a family member uses emotional blackmail, strikes the harp strings of guilt to achieve short-term ends, what is the appropriate response?
These questions are generic and specific. And hard to answer when you are the one being used. The dilemmas and the questions force spiritual growth, we say. We hope that the suffering that we go through will strengthen us somehow. We tell ourselves all sorts of things, because we really cannot balance our love for our daughter or mother, our generosity, our hopes for them with common sense. We require so little, perhaps nothing, or do we require more than they can understand — respect for them and for us?
How did things go so wrong that a mother never tends to her son, that a daughter who has received a lifetime of not only monetary gifts, but also houses, cars, clothes, education, never thanks her mother? What happened? Is it environment or heredity? Do some people simply have a set of bad genes, or was it the upbringing or is there no reason at all? Do we say the Chinese proverb "Not your fault, not my fault, what to do?" Or do we say that a man's enemies are those of his own household?
If we want more than facile answers, more than "self-empowerment ideas," if we want to resolve the issue in partnership with Divine Love, with Spirit, with Truth, we stay silent and listen to the Voice from the whirlwind, the Principle that moves upon the face of the waters and cleanses all past wrongs, that knows nothing of fear, greed, imposition. We wait patiently, taking those steps that appear on the shifting sands of time. Don't we?
— — —
Lynne Bundesen is the author of five books on religion. Her book "The Feminine Spirit: Recapturing the Heart of Scripture" is the latest. Her email address is {email lynnebundesen@hotmail.com}lynnebundesen@hotmail.com{/email}. © copyright 2007 by Lynne Bundesen.
For years he had tried to help her get through a series of dangerous and unproductive men.
Since he was 20, he had paid for a place for her and any one of the men to live on 10 acres in California — where he discovered after some years that she grew pot. She had not cooked him a meal since he was 10. No birthday cards, no gifts and no phone calls — except for when she wanted money. This time, this call, he suggested ways she could pay for her own car expenses. He was greedy, she said, he should pay. They argued; he hung up. The current man in the series called to threaten him if he didn't pay for their car repair.
Sounds insane, doesn't it? What is the obligation of a son to a mother? A mother to a son? What does the Commandment to honor thy mother and father mean?
If a working mother past retirement age sends her 50-year-old daughter thousands of dollars a month under the guise of the daughter struggling alone to finish a doctorate, and then the mother discovers the daughter is living with a man, going to a bar at night for drinks, the daughter never writes or calls to say thank you for the monthly checks, what does the mother do?
So many questions about family relations, so many pains, so much self-righteousness — what to do? Is there anything more difficult than family? When it goes well, when there is love and laughter and trust, then nothing is better than family. When there is sorrow and comfort is needed, family represents the arms of God. When a family member uses emotional blackmail, strikes the harp strings of guilt to achieve short-term ends, what is the appropriate response?
These questions are generic and specific. And hard to answer when you are the one being used. The dilemmas and the questions force spiritual growth, we say. We hope that the suffering that we go through will strengthen us somehow. We tell ourselves all sorts of things, because we really cannot balance our love for our daughter or mother, our generosity, our hopes for them with common sense. We require so little, perhaps nothing, or do we require more than they can understand — respect for them and for us?
How did things go so wrong that a mother never tends to her son, that a daughter who has received a lifetime of not only monetary gifts, but also houses, cars, clothes, education, never thanks her mother? What happened? Is it environment or heredity? Do some people simply have a set of bad genes, or was it the upbringing or is there no reason at all? Do we say the Chinese proverb "Not your fault, not my fault, what to do?" Or do we say that a man's enemies are those of his own household?
If we want more than facile answers, more than "self-empowerment ideas," if we want to resolve the issue in partnership with Divine Love, with Spirit, with Truth, we stay silent and listen to the Voice from the whirlwind, the Principle that moves upon the face of the waters and cleanses all past wrongs, that knows nothing of fear, greed, imposition. We wait patiently, taking those steps that appear on the shifting sands of time. Don't we?
— — —
Lynne Bundesen is the author of five books on religion. Her book "The Feminine Spirit: Recapturing the Heart of Scripture" is the latest. Her email address is {email lynnebundesen@hotmail.com}lynnebundesen@hotmail.com{/email}. © copyright 2007 by Lynne Bundesen.