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Posted: July 23rd, 2007 at 1:14am By: Sorah Dubitsky
A client called the other day to say that her three-month-old relationship wasn't going where she wanted it to go. Her boyfriend didn't want to commit to spending more time with her; he had work issues and aging-mother issues. When he opted not to see her because he was tired, she believed he was rejecting her. She wanted him to be available when she wanted him to be available. Compounding her feelings of being rejected was the fact that he was not communicative. Although he is a loving, sensitive man, he was more of a "show you" person than a "talk to you" person.
I told my client that what I was hearing was that this relationship was all about her and her needs. She wanted him to be there on her time frame, and she wanted him to express his feelings even though verbal expression was not his forte. She was viewing him as if he was a piece of plastic that she could mold into her image of the ideal man; she was not seeing him as an equal human being who had his own needs and wants. She was not seeing into his soul. Her chances of developing a long-term, intimate, loving relationship - which is what she wants - would be nil if she did not learn how to love.
To me, "A Course in Miracles" offers the best "how to love" advice there is. The Course's focus is on healing relationships. Specifically, The Course teaches how to turn a special love relationship - in which the source of happiness is another person - to a holy relationship in which God is the source of happiness. In a holy relationship, each partner awakens to his or her original nature. As The Course describes it, "Love created me like itself." Becoming the Love that you have already been created to be is the foundation of marriage as a spiritual path.
When feeling lovable isn't dependent on someone else's love, then one is free to be authentic. There's a story I heard years ago about a woman whose husband left her for a younger lover. The woman spent all her time seeking revenge: She phoned him incessantly, phoned his friends, picketed his office, and followed the "other woman." Had she realized that Love was the core of her being, she could have felt liberated instead of feeling deprived.
In process, Being Love takes practice. Just yesterday another client called to say she broke up with her boyfriend. She was feeling lost and empty. Replacing her feelings of loss and emptiness with knowing her own wholeness will require that she stays in her heart and breathe through the emotions that surface. It will require that she stays in prayer. Rather than walling herself off from God by assuming an "I'm a victim" perspective, she needs to open herself to God to let herself be filled. One visualization that I like to use is imagining a beam of white light descending from the heavens in through the top of one's head and making its way into the heart. When it reaches the heart, the light expands and radiates out beyond bodily limits, so that one becomes the light. By focusing on Being Light, miracles happen. Another client told me recently that more and more men are attracted to her; one man even told her how great she looked in a bathing suit. The compliment stunned her, since her Rubenesque figure is far from today's ideal.
Marriage offers the most opportunities for practicing Being Love. As recent research has pointed out, romantic feelings last only about three years. Once starry-eyed lovers discover each others' flaws, expressions of "how cute" when he burps after dinner are replaced with "how gross."
To keep the love going requires honesty, but honesty from a spiritual perspective is honesty with one's Self. It is so easy in a marriage to blame your spouse when he or she fails to live up to your expectations. It's harder to question whether your expectations were realistic in the first place. It's harder to accept that we're all imperfect people. It's easy to get angry. It's harder to admit that you're angry because you feel a lack of control.
Praying without ceasing is the way to stay connected to God. When connected to God, there's no lack. When there's no lack, there's nothing to fear. The result is then being able to engage with your spouse with authenticity, compassion, forgiveness, non-defensiveness, acceptance, peace and trust. Real love is prayer, because in prayer you connect with your soul and the soul of your beloved.
— — —
Dr. Sorah Dubitsky, Ph.D., is an author, speaker, teacher and healer. She conducts workshops and seminars on love, marriage, sexuality and spirituality as well as offers individual and couples counseling. She is also a fellow at Florida International University's Center for the Study of Spirituality. Her book, "A Chorus of Wisdom" is available at Amazon.com and all major online and retail book outlets. Visit her website and her blog, Healing Relationships. Send an email to {email dr.sorah@drsorah.com}dr.sorah@drsorah.com{/email}. © copyright 2007 by Dr. Sorah Dubitsky.
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A client called the other day to say that her three-month-old relationship wasn't going where she wanted it to go. Her boyfriend didn't want to commit to spending more time with her; he had work issues and aging-mother issues. When he opted not to see her because he was tired, she believed he was rejecting her. She wanted him to be available when she wanted him to be available. Compounding her feelings of being rejected was the fact that he was not communicative. Although he is a loving, sensitive man, he was more of a "show you" person than a "talk to you" person.
I told my client that what I was hearing was that this relationship was all about her and her needs. She wanted him to be there on her time frame, and she wanted him to express his feelings even though verbal expression was not his forte. She was viewing him as if he was a piece of plastic that she could mold into her image of the ideal man; she was not seeing him as an equal human being who had his own needs and wants. She was not seeing into his soul. Her chances of developing a long-term, intimate, loving relationship - which is what she wants - would be nil if she did not learn how to love.
To me, "A Course in Miracles" offers the best "how to love" advice there is. The Course's focus is on healing relationships. Specifically, The Course teaches how to turn a special love relationship - in which the source of happiness is another person - to a holy relationship in which God is the source of happiness. In a holy relationship, each partner awakens to his or her original nature. As The Course describes it, "Love created me like itself." Becoming the Love that you have already been created to be is the foundation of marriage as a spiritual path.
When feeling lovable isn't dependent on someone else's love, then one is free to be authentic. There's a story I heard years ago about a woman whose husband left her for a younger lover. The woman spent all her time seeking revenge: She phoned him incessantly, phoned his friends, picketed his office, and followed the "other woman." Had she realized that Love was the core of her being, she could have felt liberated instead of feeling deprived.
In process, Being Love takes practice. Just yesterday another client called to say she broke up with her boyfriend. She was feeling lost and empty. Replacing her feelings of loss and emptiness with knowing her own wholeness will require that she stays in her heart and breathe through the emotions that surface. It will require that she stays in prayer. Rather than walling herself off from God by assuming an "I'm a victim" perspective, she needs to open herself to God to let herself be filled. One visualization that I like to use is imagining a beam of white light descending from the heavens in through the top of one's head and making its way into the heart. When it reaches the heart, the light expands and radiates out beyond bodily limits, so that one becomes the light. By focusing on Being Light, miracles happen. Another client told me recently that more and more men are attracted to her; one man even told her how great she looked in a bathing suit. The compliment stunned her, since her Rubenesque figure is far from today's ideal.
Marriage offers the most opportunities for practicing Being Love. As recent research has pointed out, romantic feelings last only about three years. Once starry-eyed lovers discover each others' flaws, expressions of "how cute" when he burps after dinner are replaced with "how gross."
To keep the love going requires honesty, but honesty from a spiritual perspective is honesty with one's Self. It is so easy in a marriage to blame your spouse when he or she fails to live up to your expectations. It's harder to question whether your expectations were realistic in the first place. It's harder to accept that we're all imperfect people. It's easy to get angry. It's harder to admit that you're angry because you feel a lack of control.
Praying without ceasing is the way to stay connected to God. When connected to God, there's no lack. When there's no lack, there's nothing to fear. The result is then being able to engage with your spouse with authenticity, compassion, forgiveness, non-defensiveness, acceptance, peace and trust. Real love is prayer, because in prayer you connect with your soul and the soul of your beloved.
— — —
Dr. Sorah Dubitsky, Ph.D., is an author, speaker, teacher and healer. She conducts workshops and seminars on love, marriage, sexuality and spirituality as well as offers individual and couples counseling. She is also a fellow at Florida International University's Center for the Study of Spirituality. Her book, "A Chorus of Wisdom" is available at Amazon.com and all major online and retail book outlets. Visit her website and her blog, Healing Relationships. Send an email to {email dr.sorah@drsorah.com}dr.sorah@drsorah.com{/email}. © copyright 2007 by Dr. Sorah Dubitsky.
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