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Posted: July 30th, 2007 at 1:46am By: Sorah Dubitsky
While tuning my car radio the other morning, I came across a program devoted to broadcasting the latest breakthrough in sexual enhancements. The male/female host team spoke at length about how sexual attraction in marriage diminishes over time and how their product will get the juices going again. When the juices get going, they reasoned, attraction will follow. Their product selling points went something like: Attraction is highest at the beginning of relationships when novelty is high. Passion is based on the unknown. Once you get married, your partner is "known." Since there's no more mystery, there's no more passion. When there's no passion, there's no excitement, and when there's no excitement, there's no passion, in a never-ending circle that inevitably leads to marital dissatisfaction and divorce. Of course, their product will revive excitement and, in turn, will rekindle passion and save your marriage.
For purveyors of sexual enhancers to claim that their products will save marriages is a gross exaggeration. Sex is only one part of a loving relationship. Great sex follows great love — not the other way around, as these products would have us believe. While sexual enhancers may help the mechanics of sex, the heart of sex needs love enhancers. Love is purpose. Love is making marriage your life's priority. And those of us who've endured long-term relationships know that finding the balance between "me" and "we" at times isn't easy. But the question one has to ask oneself is "do you want a relationship or do you want a series of one-night stands?"
When I told my husband about the program, he said, "They're not selling marital enhancers - love, intimacy, commitment - just ejaculation. They might as well masturbate!"
So many times relationships become about how if she (or he) isn't behaving the way I want her (or him) to, then she doesn't love me or I won't love her. From the time we're children, we're taught that love is conditional. "I love you, BUT ... " messages are pervasive. Disapproving glances or tongue clucking means a loss of love.
Psychologist Robert Sternberg talks about a Triangle Theory of love. Sternberg says that passion, intimacy and commitment triangulate to form consummate love. Consummate love, in Sternberg's model, is the ideal form of love we all crave.
I have another triangle model of love. It's an image of my spouse and me facing each other with a beam of light connecting us. The beam between us flows through our bodies and extends up to the heavens. We triangulate our relationship with God.
Researcher John Gottman talks about how successful couples have strategies that minimize conflict. They joke, change the subject, count to 10, etc., etc. My strategy is prayer. In prayer, I find the core fear that's creating my judgment and closing my heart. Once I face my fear, I move on.
One year Larry wanted to go to Italy with his daughter. I couldn't go. Larry has a very close relationship with his daughter. I was jealous. I didn't want him to go. I prayed. I realized I had an abandonment issue. Larry had a fear of being imprisoned, so he was angry at me for my wanting him to not go. My abandonment issue coupled with his freedom issue was a match made in hell. Intellectually, my faith told me that I couldn't be abandoned by God. In my heart, I still believed I could be abandoned. In prayer, God came to me and assured me He would not abandon me. My response was something like, "Oh, yeah! Show me!" The answer I received was "Get a kitten." I had been wanting to get a kitten for a while, but Larry didn't want to go through the "getting accustomed" process of introducing a new cat into our home that was already territorialized by a cat. I thought that the timing would be perfect: By the time Larry got back, both cats would be friends and our home would be in a state of peace.
"A Course in Miracles" says "your job is not to look for love but to seek and find all those things you interpose between yourself and love." Long-term relationship means confronting yourself when fear and judgment come up, because either your spouse has changed or the adrenaline rush of passion has ended. Then it's time to go deeper and pray for the real hallmarks of love to grow: compassion, mercy, forgiveness and gratitude.
Sternberg calls a relationship that's based on intimacy and commitment companionate love; the passion is gone, but the spouses are still companions. He goes on to say that many long-term relationships are companionate.
My experience tells me that passion continues to thrive when the heart keeps opening. When Larry touches me, I feel a thrill. A goodbye kiss quickens my heart. Our sexuality isn't limited to our genitals. Everything in our relationship is sexy or consummate (in Sternberg's words), because everything in our relationship shares a loving purpose.
— — —
Dr. Sorah Dubitsky, Ph.D., is an author, speaker, teacher and healer. She conducts workshops and seminars on love, marriage, sexuality and spirituality as well as offers individual and couples counseling. She is also a fellow at Florida International University's Center for the Study of Spirituality. Her book "A Chorus of Wisdom" is available at Amazon.com and all major online and retail book outlets. Visit her website and her blog, Healing Relationships. Send an email to {email dr.sorah@drsorah.com}dr.sorah@drsorah.com{/email}. © copyright 2007 by Dr. Sorah Dubitsky.
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While tuning my car radio the other morning, I came across a program devoted to broadcasting the latest breakthrough in sexual enhancements. The male/female host team spoke at length about how sexual attraction in marriage diminishes over time and how their product will get the juices going again. When the juices get going, they reasoned, attraction will follow. Their product selling points went something like: Attraction is highest at the beginning of relationships when novelty is high. Passion is based on the unknown. Once you get married, your partner is "known." Since there's no more mystery, there's no more passion. When there's no passion, there's no excitement, and when there's no excitement, there's no passion, in a never-ending circle that inevitably leads to marital dissatisfaction and divorce. Of course, their product will revive excitement and, in turn, will rekindle passion and save your marriage.
For purveyors of sexual enhancers to claim that their products will save marriages is a gross exaggeration. Sex is only one part of a loving relationship. Great sex follows great love — not the other way around, as these products would have us believe. While sexual enhancers may help the mechanics of sex, the heart of sex needs love enhancers. Love is purpose. Love is making marriage your life's priority. And those of us who've endured long-term relationships know that finding the balance between "me" and "we" at times isn't easy. But the question one has to ask oneself is "do you want a relationship or do you want a series of one-night stands?"
When I told my husband about the program, he said, "They're not selling marital enhancers - love, intimacy, commitment - just ejaculation. They might as well masturbate!"
So many times relationships become about how if she (or he) isn't behaving the way I want her (or him) to, then she doesn't love me or I won't love her. From the time we're children, we're taught that love is conditional. "I love you, BUT ... " messages are pervasive. Disapproving glances or tongue clucking means a loss of love.
Psychologist Robert Sternberg talks about a Triangle Theory of love. Sternberg says that passion, intimacy and commitment triangulate to form consummate love. Consummate love, in Sternberg's model, is the ideal form of love we all crave.
I have another triangle model of love. It's an image of my spouse and me facing each other with a beam of light connecting us. The beam between us flows through our bodies and extends up to the heavens. We triangulate our relationship with God.
Researcher John Gottman talks about how successful couples have strategies that minimize conflict. They joke, change the subject, count to 10, etc., etc. My strategy is prayer. In prayer, I find the core fear that's creating my judgment and closing my heart. Once I face my fear, I move on.
One year Larry wanted to go to Italy with his daughter. I couldn't go. Larry has a very close relationship with his daughter. I was jealous. I didn't want him to go. I prayed. I realized I had an abandonment issue. Larry had a fear of being imprisoned, so he was angry at me for my wanting him to not go. My abandonment issue coupled with his freedom issue was a match made in hell. Intellectually, my faith told me that I couldn't be abandoned by God. In my heart, I still believed I could be abandoned. In prayer, God came to me and assured me He would not abandon me. My response was something like, "Oh, yeah! Show me!" The answer I received was "Get a kitten." I had been wanting to get a kitten for a while, but Larry didn't want to go through the "getting accustomed" process of introducing a new cat into our home that was already territorialized by a cat. I thought that the timing would be perfect: By the time Larry got back, both cats would be friends and our home would be in a state of peace.
"A Course in Miracles" says "your job is not to look for love but to seek and find all those things you interpose between yourself and love." Long-term relationship means confronting yourself when fear and judgment come up, because either your spouse has changed or the adrenaline rush of passion has ended. Then it's time to go deeper and pray for the real hallmarks of love to grow: compassion, mercy, forgiveness and gratitude.
Sternberg calls a relationship that's based on intimacy and commitment companionate love; the passion is gone, but the spouses are still companions. He goes on to say that many long-term relationships are companionate.
My experience tells me that passion continues to thrive when the heart keeps opening. When Larry touches me, I feel a thrill. A goodbye kiss quickens my heart. Our sexuality isn't limited to our genitals. Everything in our relationship is sexy or consummate (in Sternberg's words), because everything in our relationship shares a loving purpose.
— — —
Dr. Sorah Dubitsky, Ph.D., is an author, speaker, teacher and healer. She conducts workshops and seminars on love, marriage, sexuality and spirituality as well as offers individual and couples counseling. She is also a fellow at Florida International University's Center for the Study of Spirituality. Her book "A Chorus of Wisdom" is available at Amazon.com and all major online and retail book outlets. Visit her website and her blog, Healing Relationships. Send an email to {email dr.sorah@drsorah.com}dr.sorah@drsorah.com{/email}. © copyright 2007 by Dr. Sorah Dubitsky.
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