Tuesday, July 31, 2007 at 12:12am
Parents, don't miss the big picture
Column: Life at First Sight
I've recently had a few chances to witness what I call "Circumstantial Parental Myopia," a tendency to miss the big picture when it comes to our children. If I can recognize it, it's only because I've had so regrettably many chances to experience it myself.
A 10-year-old named Stacey was really excited about baking a cake to surprise her parents. In fact, she was so intent on getting it made while they were out that she created quite a mess in the kitchen.
When her parents arrived home, she could barely contain herself. Her big, loud "Surprise!" probably made their hearts jump.
When Stacey gestured happily to the table where a somewhat lumpy, somewhat distorted layer cake sat, all that her mother, nursing a headache, ever saw was the array of used cups, bowls and utensils.
"What have you DONE?" she cried. "How could you make such a mess?"
Stacey tried to explain, but there wasn't room for her words in her mother's angry reaction. "I should make you clean it up this instant, but I'm too tired to stay up and make sure you do it right. You get to bed, and take care of this first thing in the morning," she snapped and stalked off to bed herself.
In those seconds that followed, Stacey and her father looked silently at each other in her mother's wake. Stacey was probably going to shed lots of tears that night. Her father told her, "I'm sorry, Sweetheart. She never even saw your wonderful cake," as he put his arm around her.
We can all empathize with what Stacey felt. Most parents can also relate to what it's like when in-our-face problems blind us to seeing the things that will have far more significance in the long run. Messes can definitely be an unwelcome intrusion. But messes can be cleaned up, while it's very difficult to retrieve a child's sense of dignity after experiencing something like what happened to poor Stacey.
Children certainly need to learn responsibility and accept the consequences of their choices and actions. But as parents, we want to remember that we're teaching children, not just teaching lessons. Keeping the big picture in view involves many things beyond understanding where our children's intentions and motivations may lie and being considerate of their feelings. It includes being able to spot and leverage an opportunity for their development when it arises, rather than stepping in its way.
Had Stacey's mother been able to see beyond her own situation and catch the spirit of her daughter's love-filled gift, she might have been able to tell her nearly the same thing in a different way: "We're both just too tired to clean up tonight. But first thing tomorrow, that's what you'll need to do, OK?"
A friend told me about another cake and another case of "Circumstantial Parental Myopia." In this case, the parent's opportunity to let her child learn something was foiled by her desire to rush in and save him.
My friend was cutting her son's cake at his birthday party when a child bolted in front of the others to be served first.
As intervention, the birthday boy's mother said, "Why, yes, I'd LOVE for you to help," and enlisted his help with serving cake to the other guests. He was doing this willingly when his mother, thinking he might be disappointed, stepped in and took his place. In her well-meaning effort to spare him frustration, she short-circuited his chance to learn more about the pleasure of serving others.
No one gets through a parenting lifetime without bouts of "Circumstantial Parental Myopia." Most occur when our vision is obstructed by how things affect us personally, or may affect what others think of us.
When our child, the person, is what we see first, it may still mean a tough or aggravating time for us. But as we make a point to see our child first, we'll also see her circumstances and our own more clearly, and allow the time to see what the very best response may be.
As the Baha'i Writings state: " ... for when the bough is green and tender it will grow in whatever way ye train it. Therefore it is incumbent upon the mothers to rear their little ones even as a gardener tendeth his young plants."
— — —
Phyllis Edgerly Ring, mother of two, is a writer and editor. Her current book project addresses how adults can recognize and nurture children's spiritual nature. She is a former program director at Green Acre Baha'i School in Eliot, Maine, and has been a member of the Baha'i Faith for more than 30 years. Email her at {email columns@bahai.us}columns@bahai.us{/email}. See the website of the Baha'is of the United States for more information. © copyright 2007 by Phyllis Edgerly Ring.
A 10-year-old named Stacey was really excited about baking a cake to surprise her parents. In fact, she was so intent on getting it made while they were out that she created quite a mess in the kitchen.
When her parents arrived home, she could barely contain herself. Her big, loud "Surprise!" probably made their hearts jump.
When Stacey gestured happily to the table where a somewhat lumpy, somewhat distorted layer cake sat, all that her mother, nursing a headache, ever saw was the array of used cups, bowls and utensils.
"What have you DONE?" she cried. "How could you make such a mess?"
Stacey tried to explain, but there wasn't room for her words in her mother's angry reaction. "I should make you clean it up this instant, but I'm too tired to stay up and make sure you do it right. You get to bed, and take care of this first thing in the morning," she snapped and stalked off to bed herself.
In those seconds that followed, Stacey and her father looked silently at each other in her mother's wake. Stacey was probably going to shed lots of tears that night. Her father told her, "I'm sorry, Sweetheart. She never even saw your wonderful cake," as he put his arm around her.
We can all empathize with what Stacey felt. Most parents can also relate to what it's like when in-our-face problems blind us to seeing the things that will have far more significance in the long run. Messes can definitely be an unwelcome intrusion. But messes can be cleaned up, while it's very difficult to retrieve a child's sense of dignity after experiencing something like what happened to poor Stacey.
Children certainly need to learn responsibility and accept the consequences of their choices and actions. But as parents, we want to remember that we're teaching children, not just teaching lessons. Keeping the big picture in view involves many things beyond understanding where our children's intentions and motivations may lie and being considerate of their feelings. It includes being able to spot and leverage an opportunity for their development when it arises, rather than stepping in its way.
Had Stacey's mother been able to see beyond her own situation and catch the spirit of her daughter's love-filled gift, she might have been able to tell her nearly the same thing in a different way: "We're both just too tired to clean up tonight. But first thing tomorrow, that's what you'll need to do, OK?"
A friend told me about another cake and another case of "Circumstantial Parental Myopia." In this case, the parent's opportunity to let her child learn something was foiled by her desire to rush in and save him.
My friend was cutting her son's cake at his birthday party when a child bolted in front of the others to be served first.
As intervention, the birthday boy's mother said, "Why, yes, I'd LOVE for you to help," and enlisted his help with serving cake to the other guests. He was doing this willingly when his mother, thinking he might be disappointed, stepped in and took his place. In her well-meaning effort to spare him frustration, she short-circuited his chance to learn more about the pleasure of serving others.
No one gets through a parenting lifetime without bouts of "Circumstantial Parental Myopia." Most occur when our vision is obstructed by how things affect us personally, or may affect what others think of us.
When our child, the person, is what we see first, it may still mean a tough or aggravating time for us. But as we make a point to see our child first, we'll also see her circumstances and our own more clearly, and allow the time to see what the very best response may be.
As the Baha'i Writings state: " ... for when the bough is green and tender it will grow in whatever way ye train it. Therefore it is incumbent upon the mothers to rear their little ones even as a gardener tendeth his young plants."
— — —
Phyllis Edgerly Ring, mother of two, is a writer and editor. Her current book project addresses how adults can recognize and nurture children's spiritual nature. She is a former program director at Green Acre Baha'i School in Eliot, Maine, and has been a member of the Baha'i Faith for more than 30 years. Email her at {email columns@bahai.us}columns@bahai.us{/email}. See the website of the Baha'is of the United States for more information. © copyright 2007 by Phyllis Edgerly Ring.