Monday, August 13, 2007 at 12:12am
Anything goes
Column: Love, God and Sex
The entire Summer 2007 issue of Parabola magazine is devoted to one topic: sex. It features commentaries on sacred texts and articles by religious scholars all discussing sex from their particular perspective. My favorite commentary was by the 16th century rabbi Moshe Isserles. The essence of the rabbi's writing is that when it comes to sex, in the context of marriage, anything goes.
To quote Rabbi Isserles as cited in the magazine: "[Sexual intercourse] is permitted at all times, and anything they desire to do [with one another] is allowed, and every part of the body may be kissed, and [intercourse may take place] in any position, whether natural or unnatural, and by way of the limbs, as long as there is no wasting of seed." The rabbi goes on to say that if the "spilling of seed" is accidental, that's OK too.
Rabbi Isserles' comments appear to be revolutionary, considering that they were written in the 16th century. Most of what he's quoted as writing could have come out of any modern-day marriage manual.
I find the rabbi's comments particularly refreshing in light of a webcast interview I heard this morning. The interview was with Laurie Abraham, author of an article titled "Can This Marriage be Saved?" (New York Times Magazine, Aug. 12, 2007). The webcast's host, Cenk Uygur, was clearly not in favor of marriage. He made the point that in previous centuries, marriage was more of a business/property arrangement and so concubines were kept for sexual pleasure. He was a fan of serial monogamy, in which you date one person for three or four years and then move on to another. He admitted, however, that some of the best sex occurs in long-term marriages because partners "get a feel for one another."
Ms. Abraham pointed out that what really enhanced marital sex was when there was genuine caring between partners. Mr. Uygur thought that "caring makes a difference for chicks, but not for guys." He saw marriage as a "locked-in contract" which creates "complacency." Complacency leads to a dull sex life, but neither partner does anything to leave.
Perhaps some couples become complacent because the creative spark required to inspire sexual experimentation has been quelled because of stress. Stress and creativity are antithetical. It's hard to be an inspired lover when money, work or kid problems crowd one's mind.
It's at those times when spouses have to become best friends and the bedroom has to become a refuge. It's at those times when partners have to step out of their traditional sexual roles. If you've been the seducer, become the seducee. If you've been the seducee, try being the seducer. Increase the level of sensuality in your home. And most of all, relax.
One creative technique couples can try is to switch gender roles. For a woman, imagine what it's like to be a man; try taking the male role. For a man, imagine what it's like to be a woman; try taking the woman's role. Imagine how much more sensitive you can become to your lover's needs and wants when you can step into each other's frames and picture the world through each other's senses. Imagine your eyes, ears, nose and fingertips becoming sensitized to your partner's every response.
Taking the time to experience the world through your partner's eyes will create an empathy, a closeness, and an "I-thou" feeling that will be unlike anything you have ever experienced. It will bring you closer together. You will connect at a depth of understanding that you could never possibly get in serial monogamy.
— — —
Dr. Sorah Dubitsky, Ph.D., is an author, speaker, teacher and healer. She conducts workshops and seminars on love, marriage, sexuality and spirituality as well as offers individual and couples counseling. She is also a fellow at Florida International University's Center for the Study of Spirituality. Her book "A Chorus of Wisdom" is available at Amazon.com and all major online and retail book outlets. Visit her website and her blog, Healing Relationships. Send an email to {email dr.sorah@drsorah.com}dr.sorah@drsorah.com{/email}. © copyright 2007 by Dr. Sorah Dubitsky.
To quote Rabbi Isserles as cited in the magazine: "[Sexual intercourse] is permitted at all times, and anything they desire to do [with one another] is allowed, and every part of the body may be kissed, and [intercourse may take place] in any position, whether natural or unnatural, and by way of the limbs, as long as there is no wasting of seed." The rabbi goes on to say that if the "spilling of seed" is accidental, that's OK too.
Rabbi Isserles' comments appear to be revolutionary, considering that they were written in the 16th century. Most of what he's quoted as writing could have come out of any modern-day marriage manual.
I find the rabbi's comments particularly refreshing in light of a webcast interview I heard this morning. The interview was with Laurie Abraham, author of an article titled "Can This Marriage be Saved?" (New York Times Magazine, Aug. 12, 2007). The webcast's host, Cenk Uygur, was clearly not in favor of marriage. He made the point that in previous centuries, marriage was more of a business/property arrangement and so concubines were kept for sexual pleasure. He was a fan of serial monogamy, in which you date one person for three or four years and then move on to another. He admitted, however, that some of the best sex occurs in long-term marriages because partners "get a feel for one another."
Ms. Abraham pointed out that what really enhanced marital sex was when there was genuine caring between partners. Mr. Uygur thought that "caring makes a difference for chicks, but not for guys." He saw marriage as a "locked-in contract" which creates "complacency." Complacency leads to a dull sex life, but neither partner does anything to leave.
Perhaps some couples become complacent because the creative spark required to inspire sexual experimentation has been quelled because of stress. Stress and creativity are antithetical. It's hard to be an inspired lover when money, work or kid problems crowd one's mind.
It's at those times when spouses have to become best friends and the bedroom has to become a refuge. It's at those times when partners have to step out of their traditional sexual roles. If you've been the seducer, become the seducee. If you've been the seducee, try being the seducer. Increase the level of sensuality in your home. And most of all, relax.
One creative technique couples can try is to switch gender roles. For a woman, imagine what it's like to be a man; try taking the male role. For a man, imagine what it's like to be a woman; try taking the woman's role. Imagine how much more sensitive you can become to your lover's needs and wants when you can step into each other's frames and picture the world through each other's senses. Imagine your eyes, ears, nose and fingertips becoming sensitized to your partner's every response.
Taking the time to experience the world through your partner's eyes will create an empathy, a closeness, and an "I-thou" feeling that will be unlike anything you have ever experienced. It will bring you closer together. You will connect at a depth of understanding that you could never possibly get in serial monogamy.
— — —
Dr. Sorah Dubitsky, Ph.D., is an author, speaker, teacher and healer. She conducts workshops and seminars on love, marriage, sexuality and spirituality as well as offers individual and couples counseling. She is also a fellow at Florida International University's Center for the Study of Spirituality. Her book "A Chorus of Wisdom" is available at Amazon.com and all major online and retail book outlets. Visit her website and her blog, Healing Relationships. Send an email to {email dr.sorah@drsorah.com}dr.sorah@drsorah.com{/email}. © copyright 2007 by Dr. Sorah Dubitsky.