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Posted: August 20th, 2007 at 1:25am By: Sorah Dubitsky
If I weren't already married, I probably never would have gotten married, had I read Laurie Abraham's New York Times article of Aug. 12 before taking the plunge. The article is a year-long chronicle of the members of a marriage therapy group; primarily the story centers on Marie and Clem, whose 22-year marriage has "lost that loving feeling" and then some. It seems that Marie and Clem suffer from a chronic case of ennui; Marie blames Clem for her loss of spark; Clem blames Marie for being unresponsive to any advances he makes to ignite her spark.
Clearly Marie and Clem need to elevate their joy in life. They blame each other for their unhappiness, which widens the wedge between them. Ms. Abraham thinks that one reason marriages fall apart today is that people have very high expectations: They've been fed the idea that when they marry, they will experience a "mind/body meld for the next 50 years." When that doesn't happen, they're disappointed.
What's the difference between couples who find joyous expression in long-term union and those who don't? The New York Times article does offer one clue: celebration. By celebration, Ms. Abraham means praising your spouse's accomplishments.
Author Marianne Williamson tells a story of a couple who had been married about 20 years. One night, when Marianne was out to dinner with them, the husband told a joke. The man's wife laughed out loud and said, "Isn't that a funny joke, Marianne? Doesn't he tell great jokes?" Marianne had known the couple for a while, and she had heard the husband tell the joke before. She sat in awe of the wife, who must have heard the joke many, many times, yet laughed with the same enthusiasm she had the first time she heard it.
The word "enthusiasm" comes from the root entheos, which means "with God." Keeping your marriage fresh means continuously looking at your spouse through the eyes of God.
We all want to be told, "You're wonderful." Spiritually "wonderful" is our natural state. We have been created in Love, by Love, and Love is our reality. The major learning lesson of this world is to awaken to remember the inner love. Marriage as a spiritual path is a means of remembering that the love we're looking for outside is already inside. Putting Spirit first in a relationship means living daily in awe, wonder and transcendence.
Putting enthusiasm into practice is like being a good behavior therapist. The premise of behavior therapy is to reward behavior that's desirable and ignore behavior that's undesirable. Celebrating when your spouse goes shopping, does the laundry, tries a new lovemaking technique sends the message "You're wonderful." Enthusiasm is magnetic. Enthusiasm is love of life, zeal, zest. Enthusiasm stirs your chi, the vital energy necessary to life. It's diminished chi that leads to diminished libido.
Putdowns and edgy retorts are depicted as the norm in relationships. Banter and bickering are standard fare on TV sitcoms. There are books that teach men the art of "negging," or belittling their dates, as a sure-fire method of bedding them. In some circles marriage is seen as a commodity to be cashed in when investment levels rise; one reason given for escalating divorce rates in recent years has been the booming real estate market.
One of my favorite songs is the one with the lyric "You are the wind beneath my wings." I believe the purpose of marriage is to build each other up, to inoculate each other and the family against the ravages of the world. I believe we each have the seed of magnificence inside us. Letting your spouse know he or she is wonderful does so much to keep the marriage going.
Celebrating your spouse starts with the attitude of celebrating life. It's a "glass half full" point of view rather than a "glass half empty" view. Celebration is fun!
Here are some ways to add celebration to your marriage:
Have Beethoven's "Ode to Joy" or Mozart's "Eine Kleine Nachtmusik" playing on the stereo whenever you're home.
Read to each other from inspirational material.
Read to each other from erotic literature.
At dinner each evening, take time to focus on what you're grateful for.
Smile more. When people smile, they think they're happy.
Don't leave your home without kissing each other and saying, "I love you."
If you see police in your neighborhood stopping people for speeding, call your spouse to warn him (or her) to be careful.
Take a work break; turn off the phones; let the kids do sleepovers.
Play Louis Armstrong's "What a Wonderful World"
Watch the movie "It's a Wonderful Life."
Clap and cheer for your spouse at least once a day.
One of my husband's favorite questions is "Do you want to live a life of inspiration or desperation?" Celebration is inspiration, and to be inspired is to be filled with Spirit.
The therapist who runs the couples-therapy group described in the New York Times article, who is celebrated as a master in her field, is totally clueless about marriage being a spiritual journey. If I were running that group, I'd tell Clem and Marie to focus on what they have instead of what they don't have and bring the richness of Spirit into their relationship.
— — —
Dr. Sorah Dubitsky, Ph.D., is an author, speaker, teacher and healer. She conducts workshops and seminars on love, marriage, sexuality and spirituality as well as offers individual and couples counseling. She is also a fellow at Florida International University's Center for the Study of Spirituality. Her book, "A Chorus of Wisdom" is available at Amazon.com and all major online and retail book outlets. Visit her website and her blog, Healing Relationships. Send an email to {email dr.sorah@drsorah.com}dr.sorah@drsorah.com{/email}. © Copyright 2007 by Dr. Sorah Dubitsky.
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If I weren't already married, I probably never would have gotten married, had I read Laurie Abraham's New York Times article of Aug. 12 before taking the plunge. The article is a year-long chronicle of the members of a marriage therapy group; primarily the story centers on Marie and Clem, whose 22-year marriage has "lost that loving feeling" and then some. It seems that Marie and Clem suffer from a chronic case of ennui; Marie blames Clem for her loss of spark; Clem blames Marie for being unresponsive to any advances he makes to ignite her spark.
Clearly Marie and Clem need to elevate their joy in life. They blame each other for their unhappiness, which widens the wedge between them. Ms. Abraham thinks that one reason marriages fall apart today is that people have very high expectations: They've been fed the idea that when they marry, they will experience a "mind/body meld for the next 50 years." When that doesn't happen, they're disappointed.
What's the difference between couples who find joyous expression in long-term union and those who don't? The New York Times article does offer one clue: celebration. By celebration, Ms. Abraham means praising your spouse's accomplishments.
Author Marianne Williamson tells a story of a couple who had been married about 20 years. One night, when Marianne was out to dinner with them, the husband told a joke. The man's wife laughed out loud and said, "Isn't that a funny joke, Marianne? Doesn't he tell great jokes?" Marianne had known the couple for a while, and she had heard the husband tell the joke before. She sat in awe of the wife, who must have heard the joke many, many times, yet laughed with the same enthusiasm she had the first time she heard it.
The word "enthusiasm" comes from the root entheos, which means "with God." Keeping your marriage fresh means continuously looking at your spouse through the eyes of God.
We all want to be told, "You're wonderful." Spiritually "wonderful" is our natural state. We have been created in Love, by Love, and Love is our reality. The major learning lesson of this world is to awaken to remember the inner love. Marriage as a spiritual path is a means of remembering that the love we're looking for outside is already inside. Putting Spirit first in a relationship means living daily in awe, wonder and transcendence.
Putting enthusiasm into practice is like being a good behavior therapist. The premise of behavior therapy is to reward behavior that's desirable and ignore behavior that's undesirable. Celebrating when your spouse goes shopping, does the laundry, tries a new lovemaking technique sends the message "You're wonderful." Enthusiasm is magnetic. Enthusiasm is love of life, zeal, zest. Enthusiasm stirs your chi, the vital energy necessary to life. It's diminished chi that leads to diminished libido.
Putdowns and edgy retorts are depicted as the norm in relationships. Banter and bickering are standard fare on TV sitcoms. There are books that teach men the art of "negging," or belittling their dates, as a sure-fire method of bedding them. In some circles marriage is seen as a commodity to be cashed in when investment levels rise; one reason given for escalating divorce rates in recent years has been the booming real estate market.
One of my favorite songs is the one with the lyric "You are the wind beneath my wings." I believe the purpose of marriage is to build each other up, to inoculate each other and the family against the ravages of the world. I believe we each have the seed of magnificence inside us. Letting your spouse know he or she is wonderful does so much to keep the marriage going.
Celebrating your spouse starts with the attitude of celebrating life. It's a "glass half full" point of view rather than a "glass half empty" view. Celebration is fun!
Here are some ways to add celebration to your marriage:
Have Beethoven's "Ode to Joy" or Mozart's "Eine Kleine Nachtmusik" playing on the stereo whenever you're home.
Read to each other from inspirational material.
Read to each other from erotic literature.
At dinner each evening, take time to focus on what you're grateful for.
Smile more. When people smile, they think they're happy.
Don't leave your home without kissing each other and saying, "I love you."
If you see police in your neighborhood stopping people for speeding, call your spouse to warn him (or her) to be careful.
Take a work break; turn off the phones; let the kids do sleepovers.
Play Louis Armstrong's "What a Wonderful World"
Watch the movie "It's a Wonderful Life."
Clap and cheer for your spouse at least once a day.
One of my husband's favorite questions is "Do you want to live a life of inspiration or desperation?" Celebration is inspiration, and to be inspired is to be filled with Spirit.
The therapist who runs the couples-therapy group described in the New York Times article, who is celebrated as a master in her field, is totally clueless about marriage being a spiritual journey. If I were running that group, I'd tell Clem and Marie to focus on what they have instead of what they don't have and bring the richness of Spirit into their relationship.
— — —
Dr. Sorah Dubitsky, Ph.D., is an author, speaker, teacher and healer. She conducts workshops and seminars on love, marriage, sexuality and spirituality as well as offers individual and couples counseling. She is also a fellow at Florida International University's Center for the Study of Spirituality. Her book, "A Chorus of Wisdom" is available at Amazon.com and all major online and retail book outlets. Visit her website and her blog, Healing Relationships. Send an email to {email dr.sorah@drsorah.com}dr.sorah@drsorah.com{/email}. © Copyright 2007 by Dr. Sorah Dubitsky.
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