Monday, August 27, 2007 at 12:12am
Surrender sex
Column: Love, God and Sex
According to a recent New York Times story, there's a new pastime that's growing in popularity among married couples: boxing. Husbands and wives are joining gyms that provide lessons in sparring. Under the watchful eye of a trainer, they throw punches at each other; the women are allowed to throw hard punches, while the men's punches are much lighter. The boxing regimen serves triple duty: 1) couples spend time with one another, 2) they get a good workout, 3) and they get to work off aggression safely.
My problem with boxing as recreation for married couples is whether or not it really leads to romance. Maybe it stirs up the chi and hot sex follows some hot punches.
Sex after a workout is also very physical, bordering on the aggressive. It's second chakra sex based on power and release. In the long run, though, it's sex with an edge to it, meaning that competition undermines equality. Some relationships are based on retaining an edge. It's like the high school girls who go after the "bad boys" who may dump them at a moment's notice. The uncertainty adds to the excitement.
In working with couples, I had a sudden realization that some couples think that conflict is the norm. If there's no conflict or worry, doubt or anxiety, then there's something wrong. There's a line in the Carly Simon song "Haven't Got Time for the Pain" that goes, "Suffering was the only thing that made me feel I was alive."
Marriage researcher John Gottman says that he can tell within the first three minutes of listening to a couple fight whether the marriage will bloom or is doomed. Gottman talks about "harsh start-ups." He identifies four harsh start-ups that he calls the "Four Horsemen": 1) criticism, as in "you never listen to me," 2) contempt, i.e., mimicking your spouse in a mocking tone, 3) defensiveness which is denying or justifying a behavior, and 4) stonewalling or complete withdrawal from any interactions.
Of course, couples who use the Four Horsemen on a regular basis wind up distancing themselves from each other and eventually divorcing. They never find real love because they've never looked within to see all the barriers they've placed between themselves and the acceptance of real love.
I had a client who wanted to be unconditionally loved and accepted for who she was, but couldn't do the same for her spouse. She consistently found fault with him: He was moody, he was cheap, he played his saxophone really loudly, she never saw him (he was working three jobs to support her - which she never acknowledged), on and on in a litany of complaints. Her basic stance was that she was better than he, but he didn't appreciate her. Of course, she also complained that their sex life had become practically non-existent by the end of their third year of marriage.
How could anyone stay turned on to a spouse who is constantly looking for what's wrong with his or her mate? Her fear of her own failings kept her from looking within. Because she didn't want to face any inadequacies she might have, she kept focused on her husband's. As long as he was full of faults, she was OK.
At a spiritual level, author Stephen Levine writes in my book "A Chorus of Wisdom" that the "relationship you have with your partner, when it's the right relationship, is the same relationship you have with God — pure surrender."
To have a relationship based on pure surrender, you have to open your heart, and when you open your heart, you are vulnerable. And when you're vulnerable, your faults are transparent. But when you can accept your own faults unconditionally, you can accept your partner's faults unconditionally.
The best sex is surrender sex. In surrender sex, compassion has replaced condemnation. Compassion means to feel with. Compassion elicits heightened sensitivity. Rather than just being centered in the second chakra of power, aggression and control, in surrender sex your body is completely open and you can feel everything your spouse feels. God's energy can fill you completely. Orgasm is an out-of-body experience, and you and your partner merge in complete union.
— — —
Dr. Sorah Dubitsky, Ph.D., is an author, speaker, teacher and healer. She conducts workshops and seminars on love, marriage, sexuality and spirituality as well as offers individual and couples counseling. She is also a fellow at Florida International University's Center for the Study of Spirituality. Her book "A Chorus of Wisdom" is available at Amazon.com and all major online and retail book outlets. Visit her website and her blog, Healing Relationships. Send an email to {email dr.sorah@drsorah.com}dr.sorah@drsorah.com{/email}. © Copyright 2007 by Dr. Sorah Dubitsky.
My problem with boxing as recreation for married couples is whether or not it really leads to romance. Maybe it stirs up the chi and hot sex follows some hot punches.
Sex after a workout is also very physical, bordering on the aggressive. It's second chakra sex based on power and release. In the long run, though, it's sex with an edge to it, meaning that competition undermines equality. Some relationships are based on retaining an edge. It's like the high school girls who go after the "bad boys" who may dump them at a moment's notice. The uncertainty adds to the excitement.
In working with couples, I had a sudden realization that some couples think that conflict is the norm. If there's no conflict or worry, doubt or anxiety, then there's something wrong. There's a line in the Carly Simon song "Haven't Got Time for the Pain" that goes, "Suffering was the only thing that made me feel I was alive."
Marriage researcher John Gottman says that he can tell within the first three minutes of listening to a couple fight whether the marriage will bloom or is doomed. Gottman talks about "harsh start-ups." He identifies four harsh start-ups that he calls the "Four Horsemen": 1) criticism, as in "you never listen to me," 2) contempt, i.e., mimicking your spouse in a mocking tone, 3) defensiveness which is denying or justifying a behavior, and 4) stonewalling or complete withdrawal from any interactions.
Of course, couples who use the Four Horsemen on a regular basis wind up distancing themselves from each other and eventually divorcing. They never find real love because they've never looked within to see all the barriers they've placed between themselves and the acceptance of real love.
I had a client who wanted to be unconditionally loved and accepted for who she was, but couldn't do the same for her spouse. She consistently found fault with him: He was moody, he was cheap, he played his saxophone really loudly, she never saw him (he was working three jobs to support her - which she never acknowledged), on and on in a litany of complaints. Her basic stance was that she was better than he, but he didn't appreciate her. Of course, she also complained that their sex life had become practically non-existent by the end of their third year of marriage.
How could anyone stay turned on to a spouse who is constantly looking for what's wrong with his or her mate? Her fear of her own failings kept her from looking within. Because she didn't want to face any inadequacies she might have, she kept focused on her husband's. As long as he was full of faults, she was OK.
At a spiritual level, author Stephen Levine writes in my book "A Chorus of Wisdom" that the "relationship you have with your partner, when it's the right relationship, is the same relationship you have with God — pure surrender."
To have a relationship based on pure surrender, you have to open your heart, and when you open your heart, you are vulnerable. And when you're vulnerable, your faults are transparent. But when you can accept your own faults unconditionally, you can accept your partner's faults unconditionally.
The best sex is surrender sex. In surrender sex, compassion has replaced condemnation. Compassion means to feel with. Compassion elicits heightened sensitivity. Rather than just being centered in the second chakra of power, aggression and control, in surrender sex your body is completely open and you can feel everything your spouse feels. God's energy can fill you completely. Orgasm is an out-of-body experience, and you and your partner merge in complete union.
— — —
Dr. Sorah Dubitsky, Ph.D., is an author, speaker, teacher and healer. She conducts workshops and seminars on love, marriage, sexuality and spirituality as well as offers individual and couples counseling. She is also a fellow at Florida International University's Center for the Study of Spirituality. Her book "A Chorus of Wisdom" is available at Amazon.com and all major online and retail book outlets. Visit her website and her blog, Healing Relationships. Send an email to {email dr.sorah@drsorah.com}dr.sorah@drsorah.com{/email}. © Copyright 2007 by Dr. Sorah Dubitsky.