Monday, September 3, 2007 at 2:02am
The world's happiest married men
Column: Love, God and Sex
The theme I want to work with this week has to do with the importance of asking for what you want sexually. Married couples need to feel open enough to be able to express their needs, wants and fantasies, no matter how weird or embarrassing they may seem.
The inspiration for this idea came from the TV show "Rules of Engagement." The show airs Monday nights on CBS. The scripts revolve around a group of friends at different stages of romantic intimacy: There's an "old married couple" (defined as being married 11 years), a newly engaged couple who are living together, and their friend, a single male sexual dilettante. The character, played by David Spade, thinks of sexual conquest as a sport.
In last week's episode, the "old married" husband boasts about his "birthday deal." A birthday deal is the agreement that he and his wife have that they will celebrate his birthday by satisfying his secret fantasy. He never reveals what his "birthday deal" is, but his bragging attitude makes the male half of the engaged couple jealous to the point where he wants to negotiate a "birthday deal" with his fiancée. He presents her with the idea that on their birthdays they should do something really, really special; they should fulfill each other's secret fantasy. She loves the idea and says that she would think about it and let him know. He spends the rest of the episode obsessing that her "birthday deal" might be so kinky or disgusting that he might not ever be able to look her parents in the eye.
At the end of the episode, she finally reveals her "birthday deal" fantasy: When she first wakes up in the morning, she wants a foot rub with oil. Then she wants him to serve her blueberry pancakes with pure maple syrup in bed. Then she goes back to sleep while he cleans the house. Then when he's done, he gives her a whole-body massage. Then they get under the covers and snuggle and watch the movie "The Notebook."
I'm sure many women will identify with wanting their spouses to pamper and pour over them for their birthdays. Yet, according to a worldwide survey in Men's Health Magazine, the most sexually satisfied men in the world - who are found in Poland and the U.K. - have two characteristics: 1) they are chivalrous, and 2) in bed, they ask for what they want.
The survey analyzed the following data: marriage and divorce rates, frequency of sex partners, how often men masturbated, the number of friends they had, how many affairs they'd had and their level of sexual satisfaction. Men in the U.K. ranked No. 1 in sexual satisfaction, according to the study's findings. These were the men who were most likely to ask for what they wanted. But the key to getting what they wanted was to ask after they had saturated their mates with compliments and they were feeling particularly good about themselves. By having her feel so pleased, she would be eager to please him.
In second place in male sexual satisfaction were the men of Poland. Polish men are the most monogamous and committed to marriage. They treat women with respect and courtesy: They open doors, kiss their hands and buy them flowers. The women whom they court and eventually marry feel like "potential partners" rather than objects of conquest.
The results of the study prove that in marriage, as in every other relationship, you give what you want to receive.
In making their spouses happy, the men are making themselves happy. By treating their mates with love, respect, romance and tenderness, the men remain sexually satisfied and their marriages are long-lived.
So the next time your spouse asks for a romantic "birthday deal," remember that the gift you'll be giving to her ultimately you are giving to yourself.
— — —
Dr. Sorah Dubitsky, Ph.D., is an author, speaker, teacher and healer. She conducts workshops and seminars on love, marriage, sexuality and spirituality as well as offers individual and couples counseling. She is also a fellow at Florida International University's Center for the Study of Spirituality. Her book "A Chorus of Wisdom" is available at Amazon.com and all major online and retail book outlets. Visit her website and her blog, Healing Relationships. Send an email to {email dr.sorah@drsorah.com}dr.sorah@drsorah.com{/email}. © Copyright 2007 by Dr. Sorah Dubitsky.
The inspiration for this idea came from the TV show "Rules of Engagement." The show airs Monday nights on CBS. The scripts revolve around a group of friends at different stages of romantic intimacy: There's an "old married couple" (defined as being married 11 years), a newly engaged couple who are living together, and their friend, a single male sexual dilettante. The character, played by David Spade, thinks of sexual conquest as a sport.
In last week's episode, the "old married" husband boasts about his "birthday deal." A birthday deal is the agreement that he and his wife have that they will celebrate his birthday by satisfying his secret fantasy. He never reveals what his "birthday deal" is, but his bragging attitude makes the male half of the engaged couple jealous to the point where he wants to negotiate a "birthday deal" with his fiancée. He presents her with the idea that on their birthdays they should do something really, really special; they should fulfill each other's secret fantasy. She loves the idea and says that she would think about it and let him know. He spends the rest of the episode obsessing that her "birthday deal" might be so kinky or disgusting that he might not ever be able to look her parents in the eye.
At the end of the episode, she finally reveals her "birthday deal" fantasy: When she first wakes up in the morning, she wants a foot rub with oil. Then she wants him to serve her blueberry pancakes with pure maple syrup in bed. Then she goes back to sleep while he cleans the house. Then when he's done, he gives her a whole-body massage. Then they get under the covers and snuggle and watch the movie "The Notebook."
I'm sure many women will identify with wanting their spouses to pamper and pour over them for their birthdays. Yet, according to a worldwide survey in Men's Health Magazine, the most sexually satisfied men in the world - who are found in Poland and the U.K. - have two characteristics: 1) they are chivalrous, and 2) in bed, they ask for what they want.
The survey analyzed the following data: marriage and divorce rates, frequency of sex partners, how often men masturbated, the number of friends they had, how many affairs they'd had and their level of sexual satisfaction. Men in the U.K. ranked No. 1 in sexual satisfaction, according to the study's findings. These were the men who were most likely to ask for what they wanted. But the key to getting what they wanted was to ask after they had saturated their mates with compliments and they were feeling particularly good about themselves. By having her feel so pleased, she would be eager to please him.
In second place in male sexual satisfaction were the men of Poland. Polish men are the most monogamous and committed to marriage. They treat women with respect and courtesy: They open doors, kiss their hands and buy them flowers. The women whom they court and eventually marry feel like "potential partners" rather than objects of conquest.
The results of the study prove that in marriage, as in every other relationship, you give what you want to receive.
In making their spouses happy, the men are making themselves happy. By treating their mates with love, respect, romance and tenderness, the men remain sexually satisfied and their marriages are long-lived.
So the next time your spouse asks for a romantic "birthday deal," remember that the gift you'll be giving to her ultimately you are giving to yourself.
— — —
Dr. Sorah Dubitsky, Ph.D., is an author, speaker, teacher and healer. She conducts workshops and seminars on love, marriage, sexuality and spirituality as well as offers individual and couples counseling. She is also a fellow at Florida International University's Center for the Study of Spirituality. Her book "A Chorus of Wisdom" is available at Amazon.com and all major online and retail book outlets. Visit her website and her blog, Healing Relationships. Send an email to {email dr.sorah@drsorah.com}dr.sorah@drsorah.com{/email}. © Copyright 2007 by Dr. Sorah Dubitsky.