Tuesday, September 4, 2007 at 1:01am
Bears, bulls, goats and snakes
Column: All Paths
In my past two columns, "To be happy, clean out your closets" and "Step gently into your day," I offered some prescriptive measures about how we can all make America happier. I am going to offer one final bit of advice on the subject. This week I will discuss how we react to the difficult people we encounter on our path whom we allow to create anxiety, stress and unhappiness in our lives.
We all have certain individuals in our lives who are just plain hard to deal with. They are disruptive, aggressive and troublesome. I liken them to various animals. Truthfully, I developed this form of labeling from my mother. My mother used to refer to my father and me, both of us Capricorns, as "those damned goats," depending on which of us she was dealing with at that time. This phrase usually would follow one of her many futile attempts to sway one of us from our deeply rooted convictions. At least with me, she could use her belt to intervene and help me appreciate her point of view. As far as Dad was concerned, the cause was lost.
We all know who the bears are in our life. They are those persons who growl loudly and thrive on intimidation. They present a large and threatening persona. The bulls are those hard-charging, overly aggressive ones who will bowl you over if you are in their way. The goat, according to Mom, is that unswerving individual who will go through you, over you or under you to get their way. Snakes are those deceitful, underhanded individuals who operate in the shadows, whom we must all guard against. In general, the motives of these individuals, regardless of their tactics, are to knock you off your path or disrupt the positive flow of your day.
Snakes are those individuals who inject venom and toxicity into any relationship, because they are full of fear and negativity and do not know how to relate on a higher level. All of us have friends who constantly dwell on negativities or project their negative, fearful inner state into the most positive situations. You could say that they are a bountiful resource of controversy.
The key to dealing with these troublesome individuals is to understand what they are and yield to them. I submit that until they deem it necessary, they will not change. For example, you will weary yourself or get knocked down confronting a bull head-on. That is what they do — charge directly and forcefully ahead. Let the bull charge. His tactic is to force you to run or move. Yield to his aggression. By yielding, I don't mean that you allow yourself to get bowled over. Nor am I suggesting that you become a doormat and let the bull stomp all over you. Simply find a better, more productive way to handle him that is not injurious to your spirit.
In the ancient martial art called T'ai Chi, there is a concept called yielding. This means that when confronted with force, yield or give way and move in the direction of the attacker. T'ai Chi has been a stabilizing force in my life. It is based on the Yin-Yang theory of Taoism. In Taoist texts, you will see many references about the nature of water. They believe that there is nothing softer or more yielding than water, but nothing can equal water's strength. So you don't swim against the tide or wave; you use its force to propel you.
I used to be the type of person who would run head on into a fight. Any aggression or confrontation directed at me usually found a ready and willing combatant. Of course, I am not necessarily talking about physical fights. I'm referring to those contentious verbal tête-à-têtes with coworkers, family members, or just about anybody who was willing to join in.
What I found over the years is that, if you are the type of person who likes to engage in these types of exchanges, you will find many willing participants. As a matter of fact, the line would never cease. You would be like one of those carnival bears that always finds a willing opponent to fight in the many towns he passes through. I found that this type of conflict is far more injurious than the physical variety because the effects linger longer. It is much easier to heal a busted lip than a broken friendship or spirit. The spiritual and mental fallout from this type of confrontation is too great.
Now since we are more evolved (I am assuming this because we read ReligionAndSpirituality.com), we have to allow for the bulls, bears, goats and snakes in our lives to change. Let's not put them in a particular box and throw away the key. Every person is capable of changing and evolving. When encountering them, remember that they used to be a bull, bear, goat or snake, but greet them in the newness and beauty of the moment. They will soon reveal to you if they have fundamentally changed.
Finally, by learning to handle the bears, bulls, goats and snakes in our lives, we all will be far more productive and happier people. Let's not empower them anymore. We can stop the chain reaction of harm, hurt and pain they cause by simply understanding what they are and learning to handle them.
— — —
Rev. Jay Speights has an MA in public policy and is an interfaith minister and the main U.N. representative for The New Seminary in New York. You can learn more about his work at the United Nations at The New Seminary website or at harmoniousday.webexone.com. His email address is {email jayspeights@newseminary.org}jayspeights@newseminary.org{/email}. © Copyright 2007 by Jay Speights.
We all have certain individuals in our lives who are just plain hard to deal with. They are disruptive, aggressive and troublesome. I liken them to various animals. Truthfully, I developed this form of labeling from my mother. My mother used to refer to my father and me, both of us Capricorns, as "those damned goats," depending on which of us she was dealing with at that time. This phrase usually would follow one of her many futile attempts to sway one of us from our deeply rooted convictions. At least with me, she could use her belt to intervene and help me appreciate her point of view. As far as Dad was concerned, the cause was lost.
We all know who the bears are in our life. They are those persons who growl loudly and thrive on intimidation. They present a large and threatening persona. The bulls are those hard-charging, overly aggressive ones who will bowl you over if you are in their way. The goat, according to Mom, is that unswerving individual who will go through you, over you or under you to get their way. Snakes are those deceitful, underhanded individuals who operate in the shadows, whom we must all guard against. In general, the motives of these individuals, regardless of their tactics, are to knock you off your path or disrupt the positive flow of your day.
Snakes are those individuals who inject venom and toxicity into any relationship, because they are full of fear and negativity and do not know how to relate on a higher level. All of us have friends who constantly dwell on negativities or project their negative, fearful inner state into the most positive situations. You could say that they are a bountiful resource of controversy.
The key to dealing with these troublesome individuals is to understand what they are and yield to them. I submit that until they deem it necessary, they will not change. For example, you will weary yourself or get knocked down confronting a bull head-on. That is what they do — charge directly and forcefully ahead. Let the bull charge. His tactic is to force you to run or move. Yield to his aggression. By yielding, I don't mean that you allow yourself to get bowled over. Nor am I suggesting that you become a doormat and let the bull stomp all over you. Simply find a better, more productive way to handle him that is not injurious to your spirit.
In the ancient martial art called T'ai Chi, there is a concept called yielding. This means that when confronted with force, yield or give way and move in the direction of the attacker. T'ai Chi has been a stabilizing force in my life. It is based on the Yin-Yang theory of Taoism. In Taoist texts, you will see many references about the nature of water. They believe that there is nothing softer or more yielding than water, but nothing can equal water's strength. So you don't swim against the tide or wave; you use its force to propel you.
I used to be the type of person who would run head on into a fight. Any aggression or confrontation directed at me usually found a ready and willing combatant. Of course, I am not necessarily talking about physical fights. I'm referring to those contentious verbal tête-à-têtes with coworkers, family members, or just about anybody who was willing to join in.
What I found over the years is that, if you are the type of person who likes to engage in these types of exchanges, you will find many willing participants. As a matter of fact, the line would never cease. You would be like one of those carnival bears that always finds a willing opponent to fight in the many towns he passes through. I found that this type of conflict is far more injurious than the physical variety because the effects linger longer. It is much easier to heal a busted lip than a broken friendship or spirit. The spiritual and mental fallout from this type of confrontation is too great.
Now since we are more evolved (I am assuming this because we read ReligionAndSpirituality.com), we have to allow for the bulls, bears, goats and snakes in our lives to change. Let's not put them in a particular box and throw away the key. Every person is capable of changing and evolving. When encountering them, remember that they used to be a bull, bear, goat or snake, but greet them in the newness and beauty of the moment. They will soon reveal to you if they have fundamentally changed.
Finally, by learning to handle the bears, bulls, goats and snakes in our lives, we all will be far more productive and happier people. Let's not empower them anymore. We can stop the chain reaction of harm, hurt and pain they cause by simply understanding what they are and learning to handle them.
— — —
Rev. Jay Speights has an MA in public policy and is an interfaith minister and the main U.N. representative for The New Seminary in New York. You can learn more about his work at the United Nations at The New Seminary website or at harmoniousday.webexone.com. His email address is {email jayspeights@newseminary.org}jayspeights@newseminary.org{/email}. © Copyright 2007 by Jay Speights.