Monday, October 8, 2007 at 12:12am
Soul-freeing sex
Column: Love, God and Sex
I showed a video clip in my Psychology of Sexual Behavior class this week of a couple going through marriage counseling. The video depicted how both the husband and wife were dissociated from their feelings.
Every time the husband asked the wife to trust him, she made a face but said nothing. The researchers categorized her expression as contempt; her facial expression was saying to him, "You disgust me." But when she was told that, she said, "I don't feel that way." "Yes, you do," they told her. "Look at your expression."
This kind of thing happens all the time in marriage, as it does in the rest of life. Have you ever heard by the tone of someone's voice that they're angry, yet when tell them, "You're angry," his or her response is "No, I'm not"?
How can lifelong love and sexual satisfaction last if the partners aren't aware of their real feelings?
Resentment follows a lack of self-awareness for various reasons. A partner who's out of touch with his or her own feelings sends out mixed messages to the other partner, leaving him or her confused. The partner who is out of touch with her feelings is like a volcano ready to "blow her top," because she feels violated. She believes that her partner doesn't "understand" her.
We're all a mass of conflict and confusion; we all want conflicting things. Many times the way we behave totally goes against what we think or feel. Even what we say does not express what's really going on.
To make this situation worse, we can't hide our true feelings. Humans are hard-wired to respond to one another's moods and emotions through a mechanism called mirror neurons. Author Daniel Goleman describes mirror neurons as a "WiFi" system that "track the emotional flow, movement and even intentions of the person we are with." We then mirror, or embody, the same state. In other words, at a very unconscious level we attune to one another's emotions.
A happy marriage and a happy sex life depend on being aware of what you are mirroring. And to be aware of what you're mirroring, you have to go to the core of your own being: your soul. Soul awareness is the deepest form of self-awareness. It requires presence, or constantly connecting to your body and your thoughts. Soul states speak to us in many ways. Are you stiff, tense, anxious? Are your thoughts racing? How's your breathing? Is your breath centered in your diaphragm or in your upper chest? Is your voice even or is it shrill? Is everything you say reflecting everything you think and feel?
Soul liberation is the key to freeing sex. Sometimes I envision the soul as a child who just wants to express whatever he or she is feeling at the moment. When kids are happy, they laugh; when they're sad, they cry. Enculturation puts barriers around the spontaneous expression of feeling so that we become disconnected and unaware of what we're really feeling. Like the woman in the video clip I described above — her face registered contempt, but her brain didn't recognize it. Years and years of disconnecting leads to armoring. Armoring is the wall of defensiveness around the heart. Armoring may serve as a protection against being hurt, but real feelings seep out via mirroring neurons.
You can't heal what you can't feel, says spiritual teacher Sondra Ray. Since sex is energy and the way to experience this energy fully is to be an open conduit, you can use energy work to remove the barriers around your heart, or anyplace else they may be located on your body. All wounds get internalized in some form and prevent soul-freeing sex.
To free your soul and pave the way for soul-freeing sex, start by connecting to your body. There are any number of energy modalities that will help you tune in to where you have blocked your emotions. Breath work, Reiki, EFT, and other mind-body modalities work to release energy, clear emotional blockages and help you become the open channel for cosmic sexuality. When your emotional expression becomes unified with your soul, you will mirror that to your partner. Just by freeing your own soul, you will free your partner's soul.
During the next few weeks I'll be describing energy techniques you can use to free your soul. You'll mirror the radiance and joy that you were created by God to be.
— — —
Dr. Sorah Dubitsky, Ph.D., is an author, speaker, teacher and healer. She conducts workshops and seminars on love, marriage, sexuality and spirituality as well as offers individual and couples counseling. She is also a fellow at Florida International University's Center for the Study of Spirituality. Her book "A Chorus of Wisdom" is available at Amazon.com and all major online and retail book outlets. Visit her website and her blog, Healing Relationships. Send an email to {email dr.sorah@drsorah.com}dr.sorah@drsorah.com{/email}. © Copyright 2007 by Dr. Sorah Dubitsky.
Every time the husband asked the wife to trust him, she made a face but said nothing. The researchers categorized her expression as contempt; her facial expression was saying to him, "You disgust me." But when she was told that, she said, "I don't feel that way." "Yes, you do," they told her. "Look at your expression."
This kind of thing happens all the time in marriage, as it does in the rest of life. Have you ever heard by the tone of someone's voice that they're angry, yet when tell them, "You're angry," his or her response is "No, I'm not"?
How can lifelong love and sexual satisfaction last if the partners aren't aware of their real feelings?
Resentment follows a lack of self-awareness for various reasons. A partner who's out of touch with his or her own feelings sends out mixed messages to the other partner, leaving him or her confused. The partner who is out of touch with her feelings is like a volcano ready to "blow her top," because she feels violated. She believes that her partner doesn't "understand" her.
We're all a mass of conflict and confusion; we all want conflicting things. Many times the way we behave totally goes against what we think or feel. Even what we say does not express what's really going on.
To make this situation worse, we can't hide our true feelings. Humans are hard-wired to respond to one another's moods and emotions through a mechanism called mirror neurons. Author Daniel Goleman describes mirror neurons as a "WiFi" system that "track the emotional flow, movement and even intentions of the person we are with." We then mirror, or embody, the same state. In other words, at a very unconscious level we attune to one another's emotions.
A happy marriage and a happy sex life depend on being aware of what you are mirroring. And to be aware of what you're mirroring, you have to go to the core of your own being: your soul. Soul awareness is the deepest form of self-awareness. It requires presence, or constantly connecting to your body and your thoughts. Soul states speak to us in many ways. Are you stiff, tense, anxious? Are your thoughts racing? How's your breathing? Is your breath centered in your diaphragm or in your upper chest? Is your voice even or is it shrill? Is everything you say reflecting everything you think and feel?
Soul liberation is the key to freeing sex. Sometimes I envision the soul as a child who just wants to express whatever he or she is feeling at the moment. When kids are happy, they laugh; when they're sad, they cry. Enculturation puts barriers around the spontaneous expression of feeling so that we become disconnected and unaware of what we're really feeling. Like the woman in the video clip I described above — her face registered contempt, but her brain didn't recognize it. Years and years of disconnecting leads to armoring. Armoring is the wall of defensiveness around the heart. Armoring may serve as a protection against being hurt, but real feelings seep out via mirroring neurons.
You can't heal what you can't feel, says spiritual teacher Sondra Ray. Since sex is energy and the way to experience this energy fully is to be an open conduit, you can use energy work to remove the barriers around your heart, or anyplace else they may be located on your body. All wounds get internalized in some form and prevent soul-freeing sex.
To free your soul and pave the way for soul-freeing sex, start by connecting to your body. There are any number of energy modalities that will help you tune in to where you have blocked your emotions. Breath work, Reiki, EFT, and other mind-body modalities work to release energy, clear emotional blockages and help you become the open channel for cosmic sexuality. When your emotional expression becomes unified with your soul, you will mirror that to your partner. Just by freeing your own soul, you will free your partner's soul.
During the next few weeks I'll be describing energy techniques you can use to free your soul. You'll mirror the radiance and joy that you were created by God to be.
— — —
Dr. Sorah Dubitsky, Ph.D., is an author, speaker, teacher and healer. She conducts workshops and seminars on love, marriage, sexuality and spirituality as well as offers individual and couples counseling. She is also a fellow at Florida International University's Center for the Study of Spirituality. Her book "A Chorus of Wisdom" is available at Amazon.com and all major online and retail book outlets. Visit her website and her blog, Healing Relationships. Send an email to {email dr.sorah@drsorah.com}dr.sorah@drsorah.com{/email}. © Copyright 2007 by Dr. Sorah Dubitsky.