Monday, October 29, 2007 at 1:01am
Love stories
Column: Love, God and Sex
One of the most useful theories I've come across that explains why some marriages last and others don't was proposed by psychologist Robert Sternberg. Sternberg's theory says that love is a story — literally. When people enter into relationships, they have a story in their heads of what love looks like. These stories develop in early childhood and have many influences. These stories are largely unconscious. They are a combination of our personalities, the depiction of relationships in mass media and literature, and the kind of relationships our parents modeled.
In his 1999 book "Love Is a Story," Sternberg says there are, at minimum, 25 different love story themes. These themes include travel, gardening, fantasy, war, etc., etc. For example, if someone has a "travel" story, he or she sees relationships as a journey toward growth. The theme of the "gardening" story is that a relationship has to be nurtured and attended to if it is to grow. The "fantasy" story is like a fairy tale in which Prince and Princess Charming live happily ever after in a problem-free world. In a "war" story of relationship, perpetual conflict is a source of arousal.
Relationship problems surface, according to Sternberg, because couples have mismatched stories. Once the original hormone-driven attractions wear off, the couple's underlying guiding story themes begin to surface. If our partner doesn't behave they way he or she should, according to our story of love, then the relationship is doomed.
Becoming aware of the dominant theme in your "love story" is an important step in creating lifelong loving relationships. You can find helpful questionnaires both in Sternberg's book (link provided above) or in an abbreviated form on the Psychology Today website. But the deeper spiritual work for creating lifelong love is finding the Source of love.
There's an inspirational song from the early '80s that goes: "There is nothing to need, hide from or fear. I am whole and complete, right now and right here." The lyric offers a different story of love. That story is one of wholeness and completion because the Source of love is ever present within. There's no grasping for love, there's no searching for external love. When one recognizes the source of love is within, then there's no neediness. And when there's no neediness, then there's complete acceptance.
And sex gets better and better. It gets better because it's not based on neediness. It's not based on a story of what sex should look like and why isn't my partner meeting my needs. Without a story, sex can be experienced here and now and fully enjoyed in complete sensual pleasure. You can play and experiment because now there are no unexamined rules, based on your story that constrains your roles.
A story of love is not love. A story won't protect you on the downside of life's roller coaster. True intimacy isn't found in a story. True intimacy is found when you strip away the story and see your partner's soul.
There's another song I heard years ago that was recorded by Rabbi David Zeller. The lyrics repeat themselves over and over:
You are a blessing of the universe God sent to set us free
You are a blessing of the universe God sent to set us free
Saying look at me, look at me
I'll set you free.
If your spouse isn't playing the role you assigned to him or her in your story of relationship, then you need to go deeper into yourself and ask yourself how he or she is freeing you. What is the story that's keeping you chained to a treadmill of repeating the same relationship dissatisfactions over and over?
Relinquishing stories frees you. You can create your relationship to be whatever you want, because in truth a relationship is really all the stories that Sternberg describes: Sometimes it's a journey, sometimes it's a partnership, sometimes it's a garden, and sometimes it's war. The bottom line is that a spiritual relationship is based on a story that transcends all the other stories. In a spiritual relationship, your partner is an instrument of God providing an opening to allow God to be manifest through you.
— — —
Dr. Sorah Dubitsky, Ph.D., is an author, speaker, teacher and healer. She conducts workshops and seminars on love, marriage, sexuality and spirituality as well as offers individual and couples counseling. She is also a fellow at Florida International University's Center for the Study of Spirituality. Her book, "A Chorus of Wisdom" is available at Amazon.com and all major online and retail book outlets. Visit her website. Send an email to {email dr.sorah@drsorah.com}dr.sorah@drsorah.com{/email}. © Copyright 2007 by Dr. Sorah Dubitsky.
In his 1999 book "Love Is a Story," Sternberg says there are, at minimum, 25 different love story themes. These themes include travel, gardening, fantasy, war, etc., etc. For example, if someone has a "travel" story, he or she sees relationships as a journey toward growth. The theme of the "gardening" story is that a relationship has to be nurtured and attended to if it is to grow. The "fantasy" story is like a fairy tale in which Prince and Princess Charming live happily ever after in a problem-free world. In a "war" story of relationship, perpetual conflict is a source of arousal.
Relationship problems surface, according to Sternberg, because couples have mismatched stories. Once the original hormone-driven attractions wear off, the couple's underlying guiding story themes begin to surface. If our partner doesn't behave they way he or she should, according to our story of love, then the relationship is doomed.
Becoming aware of the dominant theme in your "love story" is an important step in creating lifelong loving relationships. You can find helpful questionnaires both in Sternberg's book (link provided above) or in an abbreviated form on the Psychology Today website. But the deeper spiritual work for creating lifelong love is finding the Source of love.
There's an inspirational song from the early '80s that goes: "There is nothing to need, hide from or fear. I am whole and complete, right now and right here." The lyric offers a different story of love. That story is one of wholeness and completion because the Source of love is ever present within. There's no grasping for love, there's no searching for external love. When one recognizes the source of love is within, then there's no neediness. And when there's no neediness, then there's complete acceptance.
And sex gets better and better. It gets better because it's not based on neediness. It's not based on a story of what sex should look like and why isn't my partner meeting my needs. Without a story, sex can be experienced here and now and fully enjoyed in complete sensual pleasure. You can play and experiment because now there are no unexamined rules, based on your story that constrains your roles.
A story of love is not love. A story won't protect you on the downside of life's roller coaster. True intimacy isn't found in a story. True intimacy is found when you strip away the story and see your partner's soul.
There's another song I heard years ago that was recorded by Rabbi David Zeller. The lyrics repeat themselves over and over:
You are a blessing of the universe God sent to set us free
You are a blessing of the universe God sent to set us free
Saying look at me, look at me
I'll set you free.
If your spouse isn't playing the role you assigned to him or her in your story of relationship, then you need to go deeper into yourself and ask yourself how he or she is freeing you. What is the story that's keeping you chained to a treadmill of repeating the same relationship dissatisfactions over and over?
Relinquishing stories frees you. You can create your relationship to be whatever you want, because in truth a relationship is really all the stories that Sternberg describes: Sometimes it's a journey, sometimes it's a partnership, sometimes it's a garden, and sometimes it's war. The bottom line is that a spiritual relationship is based on a story that transcends all the other stories. In a spiritual relationship, your partner is an instrument of God providing an opening to allow God to be manifest through you.
— — —
Dr. Sorah Dubitsky, Ph.D., is an author, speaker, teacher and healer. She conducts workshops and seminars on love, marriage, sexuality and spirituality as well as offers individual and couples counseling. She is also a fellow at Florida International University's Center for the Study of Spirituality. Her book, "A Chorus of Wisdom" is available at Amazon.com and all major online and retail book outlets. Visit her website. Send an email to {email dr.sorah@drsorah.com}dr.sorah@drsorah.com{/email}. © Copyright 2007 by Dr. Sorah Dubitsky.