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Posted: November 12th, 2007 at 12:47am By: Sorah Dubitsky
I was disheartened recently when I read the headline that certain cancers increase the likelihood of divorce. After reading the full story about cancer and divorce, I realized that the news wasn't as bleak as it first sounded. The article on medicalnewstoday.com cited the results of a study that compared the incidents of divorce among cancer survivors to people who had not had cancer. Women with cervical cancer were 40 percent more likely to divorce. Men who developed testicular cancer were 20 percent more likely to divorce. There were no differences in divorce rates between people who had survived other forms of cancer and people who had not contracted cancer. The researchers noted that age may have played a part in the results of their study. Their data showed that divorce rates for cervical and testicular cancer survivors were significantly lower for people in their 60s than for people in their 20s. The study also showed that a diagnosis of other kinds of cancers actually decreased the likelihood of divorce.
Is it the case that younger people have not developed the intimacy skills to grow together through adversity? Is it possible that cervical and testicular cancers are much more related to emotional satisfaction than other types of cancers?
Traditional marriage vows include the pledge to love one another through sickness and health. My own marriage has survived and thrived through breast cancer, prostate cancer, hip replacement surgery, oral surgery, as well as many far less debilitating conditions.
Of course, healing time varies, depending on what the condition is and the physical and emotional health of the person at the time of diagnosis. But the tools needed to strengthen a relationship after illness are the same tools needed to survive any adversity.
Tool 1: Gratitude. The more you focus on what's right with your life, the less devastated you'll be by the changes illness can bring. An attitude of gratitude boosts immunity and bolsters optimism. Research has shown that optimistic people heal faster than pessimists. Take time to be grateful for the presence of your spouse as well. Gratitude communicates.
Tool 2: Flexibility of body and mind:
Flexibility of mind: Be prepared for changes. Life changes after major illness and surgery. Acceptance of change has a relaxing effect on the psyche. The more you relax, the faster you'll heal. The more you relax, the more your spouse will relax as well.
Flexibility of body: As soon as is medically possible, start moving. The body is a remarkable self-healing machine. With gentle prodding, it will regain strength and vitality
Tool 3: Be gentle with yourself. Some people want to race back to their everyday lives after major illness and/or surgery. Sometimes this is possible and sometimes it's not. Surgery impacts more than the physical body. The emotional, mental and spiritual bodies are all impacted. Recovery is more than a physical experience. What is important is allowing.
Allowing means that you allow yourself to feel whatever it is you're feeling. Allowing also means that you let fearful thoughts surface without judging them. Allowing also means that you stay spiritually connected to your inner wisdom that will guide you through the healing process. Your soul knows what you need, but you won't hear it unless you take time to be quiet and listen. Allowing also paves the way for your spouse to open his or her heart. Watching a loved one go through sickness is frightening. Emotional catharsis is healing. There's a lightness of being that takes one over when one is able to just feel feelings instead of denying them. You can't deal with what you can't feel.
Tool 4: Trust and Faith. Every adversity carries with it lessons in deepening. The biggest lesson usually goes something like "how is this illness opening my heart to love more? How is this situation helping me develop more compassion for myself, my spouse, my kids and the world?"
It's interesting to note that the results of the cancer and divorce study cited above showed a decrease in the number of divorces among women who survived breast cancer. The study authors offer two explanations for these results: 1) surviving a cancer diagnosis may bring couples together; and 2) it would be inappropriate to leave a relationship where death is imminent.
My personal experience reflects the first explanation. Illness brought my husband and me closer together. We grew in tenderness. We discovered that cutting toenails or helping to empty a lymph bag is a far more intimate act than sex can ever be. Couples can join genitals without joining hearts. But helping your partner through illness expands the heart and invites in higher levels of love that brings a surge to sexual satisfaction.
To a certain extent, my stepson's experience reflects the second explanation. His wife had breast cancer that metastasized into brain cancer. He stayed and grew with her through all her treatments until her death. He became a more loving, giving soul. He's been in a committed relationship for several years now with a wonderful woman, and he's happy.
There's love after illness in marriage. Illness can make your marriage stronger and your sex life more intimate and fulfilling. Open your heart and let it happen.
— — —
Dr. Sorah Dubitsky, Ph.D., is an author, speaker, teacher and healer. She conducts workshops and seminars on love, marriage, sexuality and spirituality as well as offers individual and couples counseling. She is also a fellow at Florida International University's Center for the Study of Spirituality. Her book "A Chorus of Wisdom" is available at Amazon.com and all major online and retail book outlets. Visit her website. Send an email to {email dr.sorah@drsorah.com}dr.sorah@drsorah.com{/email}. © Copyright 2007 by Dr. Sorah Dubitsky.
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I was disheartened recently when I read the headline that certain cancers increase the likelihood of divorce. After reading the full story about cancer and divorce, I realized that the news wasn't as bleak as it first sounded. The article on medicalnewstoday.com cited the results of a study that compared the incidents of divorce among cancer survivors to people who had not had cancer. Women with cervical cancer were 40 percent more likely to divorce. Men who developed testicular cancer were 20 percent more likely to divorce. There were no differences in divorce rates between people who had survived other forms of cancer and people who had not contracted cancer. The researchers noted that age may have played a part in the results of their study. Their data showed that divorce rates for cervical and testicular cancer survivors were significantly lower for people in their 60s than for people in their 20s. The study also showed that a diagnosis of other kinds of cancers actually decreased the likelihood of divorce.
Is it the case that younger people have not developed the intimacy skills to grow together through adversity? Is it possible that cervical and testicular cancers are much more related to emotional satisfaction than other types of cancers?
Traditional marriage vows include the pledge to love one another through sickness and health. My own marriage has survived and thrived through breast cancer, prostate cancer, hip replacement surgery, oral surgery, as well as many far less debilitating conditions.
Of course, healing time varies, depending on what the condition is and the physical and emotional health of the person at the time of diagnosis. But the tools needed to strengthen a relationship after illness are the same tools needed to survive any adversity.
Tool 1: Gratitude. The more you focus on what's right with your life, the less devastated you'll be by the changes illness can bring. An attitude of gratitude boosts immunity and bolsters optimism. Research has shown that optimistic people heal faster than pessimists. Take time to be grateful for the presence of your spouse as well. Gratitude communicates.
Tool 2: Flexibility of body and mind:
Flexibility of mind: Be prepared for changes. Life changes after major illness and surgery. Acceptance of change has a relaxing effect on the psyche. The more you relax, the faster you'll heal. The more you relax, the more your spouse will relax as well.
Flexibility of body: As soon as is medically possible, start moving. The body is a remarkable self-healing machine. With gentle prodding, it will regain strength and vitality
Tool 3: Be gentle with yourself. Some people want to race back to their everyday lives after major illness and/or surgery. Sometimes this is possible and sometimes it's not. Surgery impacts more than the physical body. The emotional, mental and spiritual bodies are all impacted. Recovery is more than a physical experience. What is important is allowing.
Allowing means that you allow yourself to feel whatever it is you're feeling. Allowing also means that you let fearful thoughts surface without judging them. Allowing also means that you stay spiritually connected to your inner wisdom that will guide you through the healing process. Your soul knows what you need, but you won't hear it unless you take time to be quiet and listen. Allowing also paves the way for your spouse to open his or her heart. Watching a loved one go through sickness is frightening. Emotional catharsis is healing. There's a lightness of being that takes one over when one is able to just feel feelings instead of denying them. You can't deal with what you can't feel.
Tool 4: Trust and Faith. Every adversity carries with it lessons in deepening. The biggest lesson usually goes something like "how is this illness opening my heart to love more? How is this situation helping me develop more compassion for myself, my spouse, my kids and the world?"
It's interesting to note that the results of the cancer and divorce study cited above showed a decrease in the number of divorces among women who survived breast cancer. The study authors offer two explanations for these results: 1) surviving a cancer diagnosis may bring couples together; and 2) it would be inappropriate to leave a relationship where death is imminent.
My personal experience reflects the first explanation. Illness brought my husband and me closer together. We grew in tenderness. We discovered that cutting toenails or helping to empty a lymph bag is a far more intimate act than sex can ever be. Couples can join genitals without joining hearts. But helping your partner through illness expands the heart and invites in higher levels of love that brings a surge to sexual satisfaction.
To a certain extent, my stepson's experience reflects the second explanation. His wife had breast cancer that metastasized into brain cancer. He stayed and grew with her through all her treatments until her death. He became a more loving, giving soul. He's been in a committed relationship for several years now with a wonderful woman, and he's happy.
There's love after illness in marriage. Illness can make your marriage stronger and your sex life more intimate and fulfilling. Open your heart and let it happen.
— — —
Dr. Sorah Dubitsky, Ph.D., is an author, speaker, teacher and healer. She conducts workshops and seminars on love, marriage, sexuality and spirituality as well as offers individual and couples counseling. She is also a fellow at Florida International University's Center for the Study of Spirituality. Her book "A Chorus of Wisdom" is available at Amazon.com and all major online and retail book outlets. Visit her website. Send an email to {email dr.sorah@drsorah.com}dr.sorah@drsorah.com{/email}. © Copyright 2007 by Dr. Sorah Dubitsky.
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