Name:
Email:
Posted: November 19th, 2007 at 12:19am By: Rev. Kristi Denham
A new chapter opened in my life when I made the decision to leave Rodger. I felt terrible for abandoning him and have grieved the loss of our friendship for some 30-plus years. But we reconnected this year and have renewed our friendship. He told me that I "saved his life twice: first by loving him, then by leaving him." Although he hated the loss and the shock of my departure, it forced him to face his demons. He has become an amazing man in the intervening years, and I am proud to call him my friend.
For me, the transition from married college student/assistant professor to "real life" was profoundly disorienting. I no longer had a title or a clear purpose. What was to become of me? A degree in English Literature does not create a clear path for the future.
Being laid off from a teaching position was a gift, of sorts. It allowed me to collect unemployment for as long as it would take me to find a new teaching position. I wasn't really qualified to teach, having no teaching credential or postgraduate degree, so I was in a comfortable limbo. I had time to explore my options.
I took training with Marin Suicide Prevention to become a volunteer on their 24-hour hotline. The training was intense, and at the end I was told that I had "an inordinate need to help people" and perhaps should see a therapist.
I took their advice and did some Gestalt therapy for a while, but quit when I realized the therapist was having more fun and getting more out of my ramblings than I was.
I volunteered at the local hospital and went through a full tour of the facility before choosing my job. I found myself very uncomfortable in the various parts of the hospital that treated real injuries and diseases. I felt their pain and wanted to make everything better right away. I knew I wouldn't be much good on those floors. But when we visited the psych ward, I felt right at home. Most of the other volunteers couldn't get out of there fast enough. But I felt that I understood the suffering caused by mental illness, perhaps because I had come so close to falling ill in that way myself. So I started volunteering in Unit A weekly.
There I learned about a program started by the County Mental Health Department that was modeled on Big Brothers/Big Sisters. After an intensive six-week training program we were matched with folks who had been in the mental health system for so much of their lives that they didn't have any friends or even family left to support them. We became their "normal" friends and spent time with them doing fun and practical things. My first match was a young man who was sweet and friendly but after several months went through a time of violence and anger. He had physical fights with almost everyone he knew, except me. The match had to be terminated. My second match, Joan, became my friend. She was bright and creative and kind. We stayed friends for many years to follow.
I also volunteered at a halfway house for troubled teens called Nine Grove Lane. My own youth had felt so difficult that I thought I would be able to give something back to young people who were suffering. Trouble was, I tended to revert to adolescence every time I went to the place. I became terminally shy and self-conscious and remarkably useless. It was hard to face the fact that I had not yet healed from those wounds of my past.
For fun I went dancing at least twice a week. Disco was big in the '70s, and I was a disco queen. What can I say? I loved it. I dated a professional dancer as well as a volunteer who worked with me in mental health. And then I met Jesse.
I was dancing at a little disco down the street from my home. He smiled at me across the bar. I smiled back. He motioned for me to come over to talk to him. Normally I would not respond to such an ungentlemanly request, but his smile won my heart almost instantly. I crossed the room to say hello. Love at first sight can be dangerous. I walked into the fire with that first dance.
To be continued.
— — —
Rev. Kristi Denham is pastor of the Congregational Church of Belmont, California (United Church of Christ). Her email address is {email RevKristi@aol.com}RevKristi@aol.com{/email}. © Copyright 2007 by Kristi Denham.
Permalink
A new chapter opened in my life when I made the decision to leave Rodger. I felt terrible for abandoning him and have grieved the loss of our friendship for some 30-plus years. But we reconnected this year and have renewed our friendship. He told me that I "saved his life twice: first by loving him, then by leaving him." Although he hated the loss and the shock of my departure, it forced him to face his demons. He has become an amazing man in the intervening years, and I am proud to call him my friend.
For me, the transition from married college student/assistant professor to "real life" was profoundly disorienting. I no longer had a title or a clear purpose. What was to become of me? A degree in English Literature does not create a clear path for the future.
Being laid off from a teaching position was a gift, of sorts. It allowed me to collect unemployment for as long as it would take me to find a new teaching position. I wasn't really qualified to teach, having no teaching credential or postgraduate degree, so I was in a comfortable limbo. I had time to explore my options.
I took training with Marin Suicide Prevention to become a volunteer on their 24-hour hotline. The training was intense, and at the end I was told that I had "an inordinate need to help people" and perhaps should see a therapist.
I took their advice and did some Gestalt therapy for a while, but quit when I realized the therapist was having more fun and getting more out of my ramblings than I was.
I volunteered at the local hospital and went through a full tour of the facility before choosing my job. I found myself very uncomfortable in the various parts of the hospital that treated real injuries and diseases. I felt their pain and wanted to make everything better right away. I knew I wouldn't be much good on those floors. But when we visited the psych ward, I felt right at home. Most of the other volunteers couldn't get out of there fast enough. But I felt that I understood the suffering caused by mental illness, perhaps because I had come so close to falling ill in that way myself. So I started volunteering in Unit A weekly.
There I learned about a program started by the County Mental Health Department that was modeled on Big Brothers/Big Sisters. After an intensive six-week training program we were matched with folks who had been in the mental health system for so much of their lives that they didn't have any friends or even family left to support them. We became their "normal" friends and spent time with them doing fun and practical things. My first match was a young man who was sweet and friendly but after several months went through a time of violence and anger. He had physical fights with almost everyone he knew, except me. The match had to be terminated. My second match, Joan, became my friend. She was bright and creative and kind. We stayed friends for many years to follow.
I also volunteered at a halfway house for troubled teens called Nine Grove Lane. My own youth had felt so difficult that I thought I would be able to give something back to young people who were suffering. Trouble was, I tended to revert to adolescence every time I went to the place. I became terminally shy and self-conscious and remarkably useless. It was hard to face the fact that I had not yet healed from those wounds of my past.
For fun I went dancing at least twice a week. Disco was big in the '70s, and I was a disco queen. What can I say? I loved it. I dated a professional dancer as well as a volunteer who worked with me in mental health. And then I met Jesse.
I was dancing at a little disco down the street from my home. He smiled at me across the bar. I smiled back. He motioned for me to come over to talk to him. Normally I would not respond to such an ungentlemanly request, but his smile won my heart almost instantly. I crossed the room to say hello. Love at first sight can be dangerous. I walked into the fire with that first dance.
To be continued.
— — —
Rev. Kristi Denham is pastor of the Congregational Church of Belmont, California (United Church of Christ). Her email address is {email RevKristi@aol.com}RevKristi@aol.com{/email}. © Copyright 2007 by Kristi Denham.
Permalink
Add your comments