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Posted: November 19th, 2007 at 1:40am By: Sorah Dubitsky
In teaching a class in the Psychology of Sexual Behavior, I came across a term I had never heard before: DINS. The term stands for "dual income, no sex." The phenomenon was reported in a 1992 study of married couples. The researchers were surprised to discover that many couples reported that they "had not had sex in years."
The term "DINS" was coined by Robert Reich, who was the labor secretary under Bill Clinton. Reich pointed out that the time pressures faced by couples today made them too tired for sex. To a certain extent, the results of a survey reported in the April 2007 issue of Health Magazine supports Reich's views. One thousand women aged from 18 to 60-plus completed the survey. Close to 60 percent of the women were married and one-third were single but in a committed relationship. The remainder of the women were single and not in a committed relationship. The majority of the women (64 percent) reported that they had sex at least once a week, but as one respondent commented, "We're so tired all the time, we have to work ourselves up for it."
I think that one of the problems people have is that sex is equated with intimacy, love and filling emotional need or enhancing self-esteem. Sex can be the most intimate act in which two people engage, or it can be the most divisive. Just because two people are having sex, it does not mean that they are experiencing union. There are too many jokes about women lying back and thinking about what to cook for dinner or men actively fantasizing about Angelina Jolie. Everyone also knows that love is not necessarily a prerequisite for sex. Sexual attraction does not equal love. And as far as filling emotional need or enhancing self-esteem, the flood of ecstasy that sex provides is like a temporary drug high. As with all highs, the effects soon wear off.
Anthropologist Helen Fisher has found that humans have three distinct drives when it comes to love, sex and attachment. Love is accompanied by a surge of dopamine, the same neurotransmitter that causes drug addiction. Sex is accompanied by a rush of adrenaline. And attachment is accompanied by oxytocin and vasopressin, also called the cuddle hormones. Oxytocin and vasopressin are released during orgasm and create the feeling of well-being that accompanies the orgasmic response. As Fisher puts it in a video clip you can find here, the sex drive has us focus on a whole range of people, the love drive has us zero in on one person, and the attachment drive helps us "tolerate the person."
I would think that couples who have found lifelong intimacy do more than merely tolerate one another. As the researchers in the 1992 study mentioned above found, a lack of sex did not translate to marital dissatisfaction. The researchers comment that "There are many forms of human connection." The couples they interviewed were "not willing to sacrifice a marriage that is working on other levels." (Crooks & Baur, 2008).
What are those other levels? What is real intimacy? Does sex equal real intimacy?
Other levels of relationship are partnership, caring, concern, companionship, meal planning, being best friends, playing an active part in helping someone else grow, raising kids, planning, scheming, loving life and on and on.
Real intimacy is cutting your spouse's toenails when he or she is just home from the hospital. It's putting a Band-Aid on a cut that's in a hard-to-reach place. Real intimacy is telling your spouse that you don't like it when he or she is being sarcastic toward you. It's also talking about politics and your hopes and fears about the future. Real intimacy is sharing your thoughts about the latest Robert Parker novel. It's critiquing your husband's artwork or his editing your essays. Intimacy is holding hands, hugging, kissing, laughing and telling jokes. Intimacy is presence. It's being here now, fully focused on Being with your spouse this moment.
To answer the final question, sex does not equal intimacy for most of the reasons I mentioned above. Osho, one of my favorite spiritual philosophers, talks about how in tantric practices, betrothed couples are not allowed to have sex until the male can look at the female's naked form without getting aroused. In the Brahma Kumaris spiritual tradition, married couples practice celibacy. In both cases, sexuality is taken out of the love/bond mix.
Of course, when sex is accompanied by intimacy, the ecstasy stops time. It's union with God. Couples in long-term relationships need to take time to have sex. They need to relish one another physically. Taking time for sex is part of a "relax/refresh/renew" lifestyle that leads to all-over health and well-being. But sex alone does not create intimacy, and just because bodies are joined, it doesn't mean that hearts and souls are joined. Building intimacy in a relationship takes the same qualities that are needed in building character: trust, faith, and patience and honesty. An intimate relationship makes for great sex, not the other way around.
— — —
Dr. Sorah Dubitsky, Ph.D., is an author, speaker, teacher and healer. She conducts workshops and seminars on love, marriage, sexuality and spirituality as well as offers individual and couples counseling. She is also a fellow at Florida International University's Center for the Study of Spirituality. Her book "A Chorus of Wisdom" is available at Amazon.com and all major online and retail book outlets. Visit her website. Send an email to {email dr.sorah@drsorah.com}dr.sorah@drsorah.com{/email}. © Copyright 2007 by Dr. Sorah Dubitsky.
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In teaching a class in the Psychology of Sexual Behavior, I came across a term I had never heard before: DINS. The term stands for "dual income, no sex." The phenomenon was reported in a 1992 study of married couples. The researchers were surprised to discover that many couples reported that they "had not had sex in years."
The term "DINS" was coined by Robert Reich, who was the labor secretary under Bill Clinton. Reich pointed out that the time pressures faced by couples today made them too tired for sex. To a certain extent, the results of a survey reported in the April 2007 issue of Health Magazine supports Reich's views. One thousand women aged from 18 to 60-plus completed the survey. Close to 60 percent of the women were married and one-third were single but in a committed relationship. The remainder of the women were single and not in a committed relationship. The majority of the women (64 percent) reported that they had sex at least once a week, but as one respondent commented, "We're so tired all the time, we have to work ourselves up for it."
I think that one of the problems people have is that sex is equated with intimacy, love and filling emotional need or enhancing self-esteem. Sex can be the most intimate act in which two people engage, or it can be the most divisive. Just because two people are having sex, it does not mean that they are experiencing union. There are too many jokes about women lying back and thinking about what to cook for dinner or men actively fantasizing about Angelina Jolie. Everyone also knows that love is not necessarily a prerequisite for sex. Sexual attraction does not equal love. And as far as filling emotional need or enhancing self-esteem, the flood of ecstasy that sex provides is like a temporary drug high. As with all highs, the effects soon wear off.
Anthropologist Helen Fisher has found that humans have three distinct drives when it comes to love, sex and attachment. Love is accompanied by a surge of dopamine, the same neurotransmitter that causes drug addiction. Sex is accompanied by a rush of adrenaline. And attachment is accompanied by oxytocin and vasopressin, also called the cuddle hormones. Oxytocin and vasopressin are released during orgasm and create the feeling of well-being that accompanies the orgasmic response. As Fisher puts it in a video clip you can find here, the sex drive has us focus on a whole range of people, the love drive has us zero in on one person, and the attachment drive helps us "tolerate the person."
I would think that couples who have found lifelong intimacy do more than merely tolerate one another. As the researchers in the 1992 study mentioned above found, a lack of sex did not translate to marital dissatisfaction. The researchers comment that "There are many forms of human connection." The couples they interviewed were "not willing to sacrifice a marriage that is working on other levels." (Crooks & Baur, 2008).
What are those other levels? What is real intimacy? Does sex equal real intimacy?
Other levels of relationship are partnership, caring, concern, companionship, meal planning, being best friends, playing an active part in helping someone else grow, raising kids, planning, scheming, loving life and on and on.
Real intimacy is cutting your spouse's toenails when he or she is just home from the hospital. It's putting a Band-Aid on a cut that's in a hard-to-reach place. Real intimacy is telling your spouse that you don't like it when he or she is being sarcastic toward you. It's also talking about politics and your hopes and fears about the future. Real intimacy is sharing your thoughts about the latest Robert Parker novel. It's critiquing your husband's artwork or his editing your essays. Intimacy is holding hands, hugging, kissing, laughing and telling jokes. Intimacy is presence. It's being here now, fully focused on Being with your spouse this moment.
To answer the final question, sex does not equal intimacy for most of the reasons I mentioned above. Osho, one of my favorite spiritual philosophers, talks about how in tantric practices, betrothed couples are not allowed to have sex until the male can look at the female's naked form without getting aroused. In the Brahma Kumaris spiritual tradition, married couples practice celibacy. In both cases, sexuality is taken out of the love/bond mix.
Of course, when sex is accompanied by intimacy, the ecstasy stops time. It's union with God. Couples in long-term relationships need to take time to have sex. They need to relish one another physically. Taking time for sex is part of a "relax/refresh/renew" lifestyle that leads to all-over health and well-being. But sex alone does not create intimacy, and just because bodies are joined, it doesn't mean that hearts and souls are joined. Building intimacy in a relationship takes the same qualities that are needed in building character: trust, faith, and patience and honesty. An intimate relationship makes for great sex, not the other way around.
— — —
Dr. Sorah Dubitsky, Ph.D., is an author, speaker, teacher and healer. She conducts workshops and seminars on love, marriage, sexuality and spirituality as well as offers individual and couples counseling. She is also a fellow at Florida International University's Center for the Study of Spirituality. Her book "A Chorus of Wisdom" is available at Amazon.com and all major online and retail book outlets. Visit her website. Send an email to {email dr.sorah@drsorah.com}dr.sorah@drsorah.com{/email}. © Copyright 2007 by Dr. Sorah Dubitsky.
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