Wednesday, December 12, 2007 at 1:01am
The pause that refreshes
Column: Love, God and Sex
Award-winning author and researcher John Gottman is a pioneer in relationships research. Since 1986, Gottman has been monitoring couples' oral, emotional and physiological communication patterns as they describe their relationships and as they interact with one another. His work has led him to be able to predict with over 90 percent accuracy which marriages will end in divorce and which marriages will last a lifetime.
The most important factor that contributes to failed relationships is what Gottman calls "a harsh start-up" to an argument. The term "a harsh start-up" describes an argument that starts with criticism or sarcasm, contempt or defensiveness. Even if couples try to make up, those couples whose arguments start out strident from the start are destined to divorce. Gottman also identifies what he calls "the four horsemen." The four horsemen are the destructive communication styles just mentioned - criticism, contempt and defensiveness - that dominate discussions, not just during argument start-ups. Another "horseman" is stonewalling.
For some couples, criticism, or complaining (a form of criticism) becomes a pervasive communication style. Criticizing our spouse is a way of not taking responsibility for our own unhappiness. It's easier to think that "it's his or her fault" that "I'm not happy" than look to oneself. Contempt creeps into relationships when couples don't deal with their negative thoughts about their spouse or the quality of the relationship. An example I saw of this recently was in a video clip I showed in a Psychology of Sexuality class. A couple undergoing therapy was videotaped while discussing their relationship. They were discussing why he hadn't paid a certain bill. The husband implored his wife to "trust him." Her response was a smirk and an eye roll, which are physiological signs of contempt. The sad part was that she wasn't even aware that that was what she was communicating; yet her husband's defensive response (another horseman) clearly showed that he knew she was contemptuous of him. Defensiveness leads to trying to justify the behavior or shifting blame back on to the other spouse. Defensiveness doesn't allow for change. Stonewalling, the last "horseman" that Gottman describes, is a total breakdown of communication in which one spouse, usually the husband, disappears behind a wall of silence. Without any communication, there's no possibility of repairing the damage.
According to Gottman, successful couples make "repair attempts" to tone down tensions. Repair attempts include making a joke, becoming sympathetic, assuming a "we can work this out" attitude, and taking a time-out.
In my own marriage, I've found that the best repair attempt is what "A Course in Miracles" calls "asking for correction." The process begins with recognizing that right now I'm angry. When I'm angry, I'm not in my right mind. To be not in my right mind means that I'm in a state of fear. When I'm in a state of fear, it means I've lost my connection to God, Source, Higher Power, Sanity, or whatever you call the highest and best that is within you.
It may seem like a leap in logic to say that all anger is based on fear, and that fear is based on misidentifying yourself with the limited part of your personality called the ego. But that's what all fear is based on. To be inspired, or in Spirit, or connected to God, means you're identifying with the infinite, creative part of yourself. Just by stepping back and taking a breath - OK, sometimes many breaths - you can hear, sense or feel a way to resolve the problem. Einstein is attributed with having said that you can't solve a problem at the level of the problem. To me, that's what prayer is. I'm stepping beyond the boundaries by which I've defined the problem. By breathing and asking for help, my "he said/she said" mind chatter quiets down. Inevitably I gain a new perspective that the problem isn't so bad, along with a feeling of certainty that it will work out. Sometimes some specific action comes to me, like "go apologize" or "say such and such." But sometimes the only thing that comes to me is a sense of peace that doesn't require any attention. Peace has an interesting effect: It communicates. By the time my husband and I interact again, he's gotten more peaceful. Sometimes we resume discussion; sometimes we don't.
As John Gottman says, not every relationship problem can be resolved. Some problems, like money or health issues, go away for a while but can come back. To a certain extent, that's the nature of life: Problems come and go. But as Iyanla Vanzant once said, "How you deal with the issue is the issue." Put into the context of marriage, you don't have to have problems define your relationship. You and your partner can use the problems to help one another grow. The payoff, I've found, is a life filled with sweetness and bliss.
— — —
Dr. Sorah Dubitsky, Ph.D., is an author, speaker, teacher and healer. She conducts workshops and seminars on love, marriage, sexuality and spirituality as well as offers individual and couples counseling. She is also a fellow at Florida International University's Center for the Study of Spirituality. Her book, "A Chorus of Wisdom" is available at Amazon.com and all major online and retail book outlets. Visit her website. Send an email to {email dr.sorah@drsorah.com}dr.sorah@drsorah.com{/email}. © Copyright 2007 by Dr. Sorah Dubitsky.
The most important factor that contributes to failed relationships is what Gottman calls "a harsh start-up" to an argument. The term "a harsh start-up" describes an argument that starts with criticism or sarcasm, contempt or defensiveness. Even if couples try to make up, those couples whose arguments start out strident from the start are destined to divorce. Gottman also identifies what he calls "the four horsemen." The four horsemen are the destructive communication styles just mentioned - criticism, contempt and defensiveness - that dominate discussions, not just during argument start-ups. Another "horseman" is stonewalling.
For some couples, criticism, or complaining (a form of criticism) becomes a pervasive communication style. Criticizing our spouse is a way of not taking responsibility for our own unhappiness. It's easier to think that "it's his or her fault" that "I'm not happy" than look to oneself. Contempt creeps into relationships when couples don't deal with their negative thoughts about their spouse or the quality of the relationship. An example I saw of this recently was in a video clip I showed in a Psychology of Sexuality class. A couple undergoing therapy was videotaped while discussing their relationship. They were discussing why he hadn't paid a certain bill. The husband implored his wife to "trust him." Her response was a smirk and an eye roll, which are physiological signs of contempt. The sad part was that she wasn't even aware that that was what she was communicating; yet her husband's defensive response (another horseman) clearly showed that he knew she was contemptuous of him. Defensiveness leads to trying to justify the behavior or shifting blame back on to the other spouse. Defensiveness doesn't allow for change. Stonewalling, the last "horseman" that Gottman describes, is a total breakdown of communication in which one spouse, usually the husband, disappears behind a wall of silence. Without any communication, there's no possibility of repairing the damage.
According to Gottman, successful couples make "repair attempts" to tone down tensions. Repair attempts include making a joke, becoming sympathetic, assuming a "we can work this out" attitude, and taking a time-out.
In my own marriage, I've found that the best repair attempt is what "A Course in Miracles" calls "asking for correction." The process begins with recognizing that right now I'm angry. When I'm angry, I'm not in my right mind. To be not in my right mind means that I'm in a state of fear. When I'm in a state of fear, it means I've lost my connection to God, Source, Higher Power, Sanity, or whatever you call the highest and best that is within you.
It may seem like a leap in logic to say that all anger is based on fear, and that fear is based on misidentifying yourself with the limited part of your personality called the ego. But that's what all fear is based on. To be inspired, or in Spirit, or connected to God, means you're identifying with the infinite, creative part of yourself. Just by stepping back and taking a breath - OK, sometimes many breaths - you can hear, sense or feel a way to resolve the problem. Einstein is attributed with having said that you can't solve a problem at the level of the problem. To me, that's what prayer is. I'm stepping beyond the boundaries by which I've defined the problem. By breathing and asking for help, my "he said/she said" mind chatter quiets down. Inevitably I gain a new perspective that the problem isn't so bad, along with a feeling of certainty that it will work out. Sometimes some specific action comes to me, like "go apologize" or "say such and such." But sometimes the only thing that comes to me is a sense of peace that doesn't require any attention. Peace has an interesting effect: It communicates. By the time my husband and I interact again, he's gotten more peaceful. Sometimes we resume discussion; sometimes we don't.
As John Gottman says, not every relationship problem can be resolved. Some problems, like money or health issues, go away for a while but can come back. To a certain extent, that's the nature of life: Problems come and go. But as Iyanla Vanzant once said, "How you deal with the issue is the issue." Put into the context of marriage, you don't have to have problems define your relationship. You and your partner can use the problems to help one another grow. The payoff, I've found, is a life filled with sweetness and bliss.
— — —
Dr. Sorah Dubitsky, Ph.D., is an author, speaker, teacher and healer. She conducts workshops and seminars on love, marriage, sexuality and spirituality as well as offers individual and couples counseling. She is also a fellow at Florida International University's Center for the Study of Spirituality. Her book, "A Chorus of Wisdom" is available at Amazon.com and all major online and retail book outlets. Visit her website. Send an email to {email dr.sorah@drsorah.com}dr.sorah@drsorah.com{/email}. © Copyright 2007 by Dr. Sorah Dubitsky.