Thursday, December 13, 2007 at 2:02am
A grandmother's love
Column: Our Place in the Universe
My 21-year-old son-in-law-to-be recently lost his mother. It was very unexpected. He proposed to my daughter last October, only four months after they met, so their relationship is still quite new. Weathering this loss has been difficult. However, my family lost our dad just last year, so they have reached out to this young couple in a heartwarming way — especially my mom.
Mom lost her husband of 54 years. They truly loved each other. They did everything together, and yet now I see Mom sprouting wings and flying solo. She knows that Dad is still with her, and that their commitment is an eternal one. I'd like to reprint a letter she wrote to my daughter recently, since I feel it can benefit more than just their couple.
— — —
Dear Granddaughter, I know it has been some weeks since your fiancé's mom died, but I'm sure the grieving goes on. I was fortunate in having a bereavement-counseling group at my church when Grandpa died. Besides being very helpful to me, it showed me that each person's loss and method of coping with that loss are unique.
This period of passing is a time when one deals with intense feelings and emotions. Some cope better than others in a crisis. Some talk; others avoid conversation. This in itself may cause a conflict between loved ones. One person cannot feel the pain the other may be experiencing and thus cannot communicate clearly his needs to the loved one.
We all have to deal with our emotions in our own way. Women react much differently from men in this regard. We can't judge another's feeling by the way we think they should feel. As I said, the process of coping is unique to each individual.
Grieving is a hard task, and a time-consuming process. Each individual has to work through difficult emotions in his own way. When a person's loved one is grieving, that person wants to share the pain. Perhaps the griever isn't quite ready; then the loved one may wish to just be there and listen, to accept the person as he is at the moment, letting him know his feelings are understood.
The part of the heart affected by a great loss first has to be healed by God. Then gradually, as the pain lessens, a new life beyond loss will emerge. If the griever seems distant, the loved one should try not to take it personally or feel one isn't loved less than before.
You and your sweetheart are still very young emotionally and haven't had such a tragedy in your lives before. I am sure you are asking God to be with you both and to give you the grace to persevere. He will answer your prayers. He knows what's best for you and will answer in His own time. Much patience is needed at this time, as well as faith and trust in Him.
I love you very much. You are always in my daily prayers. Remember, Grandpa is looking down on you, ready to help when you ask him. I'm sure he is very proud of you, as I am. Love, Grandma.
— — —
It does seem that belief in a loving God and an afterlife helps in dealing with the loss of a loved one. However, the connections we keep and cultivate with those who remain make it possible for families to inherit the experience and wisdom of our elders. Thanks, Mom, for caring enough to reach out to your granddaughter. Thank you for recognizing that she needs a connection with you at this time to get beyond this first hurdle. Hopefully, they will allow that connection to help them achieve 54 years together as well.
— — —
Anne E. Ulvestad is a free-lance writer residing in Maryland. She has her masters in earth literacy, and is available for public lectures and group presentations and rituals on Spirituality and the Environment. Anne can be reached at {email anne@ourplaceintheuniverse.com}anne@ourplaceintheuniverse.com{/email}. © Copyright 2007 by Anne E. Ulvestad.
Mom lost her husband of 54 years. They truly loved each other. They did everything together, and yet now I see Mom sprouting wings and flying solo. She knows that Dad is still with her, and that their commitment is an eternal one. I'd like to reprint a letter she wrote to my daughter recently, since I feel it can benefit more than just their couple.
— — —
Dear Granddaughter, I know it has been some weeks since your fiancé's mom died, but I'm sure the grieving goes on. I was fortunate in having a bereavement-counseling group at my church when Grandpa died. Besides being very helpful to me, it showed me that each person's loss and method of coping with that loss are unique.
This period of passing is a time when one deals with intense feelings and emotions. Some cope better than others in a crisis. Some talk; others avoid conversation. This in itself may cause a conflict between loved ones. One person cannot feel the pain the other may be experiencing and thus cannot communicate clearly his needs to the loved one.
We all have to deal with our emotions in our own way. Women react much differently from men in this regard. We can't judge another's feeling by the way we think they should feel. As I said, the process of coping is unique to each individual.
Grieving is a hard task, and a time-consuming process. Each individual has to work through difficult emotions in his own way. When a person's loved one is grieving, that person wants to share the pain. Perhaps the griever isn't quite ready; then the loved one may wish to just be there and listen, to accept the person as he is at the moment, letting him know his feelings are understood.
The part of the heart affected by a great loss first has to be healed by God. Then gradually, as the pain lessens, a new life beyond loss will emerge. If the griever seems distant, the loved one should try not to take it personally or feel one isn't loved less than before.
You and your sweetheart are still very young emotionally and haven't had such a tragedy in your lives before. I am sure you are asking God to be with you both and to give you the grace to persevere. He will answer your prayers. He knows what's best for you and will answer in His own time. Much patience is needed at this time, as well as faith and trust in Him.
I love you very much. You are always in my daily prayers. Remember, Grandpa is looking down on you, ready to help when you ask him. I'm sure he is very proud of you, as I am. Love, Grandma.
— — —
It does seem that belief in a loving God and an afterlife helps in dealing with the loss of a loved one. However, the connections we keep and cultivate with those who remain make it possible for families to inherit the experience and wisdom of our elders. Thanks, Mom, for caring enough to reach out to your granddaughter. Thank you for recognizing that she needs a connection with you at this time to get beyond this first hurdle. Hopefully, they will allow that connection to help them achieve 54 years together as well.
— — —
Anne E. Ulvestad is a free-lance writer residing in Maryland. She has her masters in earth literacy, and is available for public lectures and group presentations and rituals on Spirituality and the Environment. Anne can be reached at {email anne@ourplaceintheuniverse.com}anne@ourplaceintheuniverse.com{/email}. © Copyright 2007 by Anne E. Ulvestad.