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Posted: December 19th, 2007 at 2:13am By: Sorah Dubitsky
The question posed in the title of this column comes from "A Course in Miracles." The original quote is "Do you prefer that you be right or happy?" ("A Course in Miracles," T-29.VII.1:9). The question is asked in the context that nothing other than the awareness of the presence of God will make you happy. Asking the question within the context of my marriage has given me pause to think about what my real priorities are.
It seems that the question "right or happy" is especially important for married men to ask. John Gottman, one of the country's leading researchers and writers about marriage, says that men who are in long-term happy marriages allow themselves to be influenced by their wives. Learning to be flexible isn't as important for women, since women are more malleable by nature. Women are more likely to either give in or seek compromise in areas of disagreement.
Gottman's research findings about men learning how to take direction from their wives as a key to long-term marriage replicates the work of Deborah Tannen, who wrote "He Said, She Said." Tannen documented relationship-style differences between men and women that begin in childhood. In a training video that Tannen produced, she shows how 5-year-old boys try to outdo each other about whose dad can hit a ball higher. One little boy says that his dad can hit a ball all the way up to there, raising his hand high over his head. A second little boy says that his dad can hit a ball up to Heaven. Then a third little boy pipes up that his dad can hit a ball all the way up to God!
Tannen also shows how women, beginning in childhood, are rapport seekers. In conversations, they focus on what they have in common. Tannen's video depicts one little girl saying to another that her babysitter just got contacts. The other little girl announces that her mother just got contacts too. They giggle over the fact that what they know is "the same."
Applying these two researchers' findings to marriage is really useful. Understanding that women seek connection and men seek status can make the conversational process easier. For example, women engage in what Tannen calls "troubles talk." Women, also beginning in childhood, share secrets with their best friends. Part of sharing secrets is telling each other their problems. A woman's husband is supposed to be her best friend. Therefore, she tells her husband her problems. Her husband, fixated on status, doesn't discuss problems. Furthermore, because he's status-oriented, he thinks that to retain his status, he's supposed to fix her problems. As Tannen explains, she's not looking for a "fix"; she's just sharing secrets with her best friend. All she wants is for him to listen. If he showed sympathy instead of suggesting solutions, she'd soon shift focus and move on to a different conversational stream.
Another difference that men and women exhibit is that men engage in what Tannen calls "ritualistic opposition." Men are competitive. Little boys "play fight." Fighting and competing are ways that men keep their status. In marriage, men will tease their wives because teasing is natural to male friendships. Teasing is a mild form of play-fighting. Teasing shows that you like someone. To women, teasing is not a rapport building behavior, and so they take it seriously. They think their husband is fighting with them.
Understanding the differences in men's and women's basic natures and conversational styles is a real marriage saver. If a woman's husband doesn't want to listen to her "troubles," then she needs to find a female best friend who will. Better yet, a woman may ask herself whether what she's sharing is something really important or does she just want to know she's being heard. A man who learns the words "I hear you" or "I understand" has made great strides in earning his wife's appreciation. A man who's willing to follow his wife's lead doesn't lose his relationship status; he becomes his wife's hero.
Had we known of Tannen's and Gottman's findings when Larry and I first got married, it would have saved us a lot of time in learning to understand each other. The fact that we did come to resolve the differences in our male/female natures, and in our conversational styles, is really a function of our spiritual commitment to one another. By referring all marital differences to a higher power, we discovered that we had an inner Universal Translator. We have been able to resolve most relationship issues because we listen from a higher perspective. We step out of the he said/she said drama and focus on our common humanity. "A Course in Miracles" talks about how a teacher of God is a person who has seen someone else's interests as his own. What are those interests: love, peace and understanding.
A marriage dedicated to peace rather than being right is a marriage that will withstand the test of time.
— — —
Dr. Sorah Dubitsky, Ph.D., is an author, speaker, teacher and healer. She conducts workshops and seminars on love, marriage, sexuality and spirituality as well as offers individual and couples counseling. She is also a fellow at Florida International University's Center for the Study of Spirituality. Her book "A Chorus of Wisdom" is available at Amazon.com and all major online and retail book outlets. Visit her website. Send an email to {email dr.sorah@drsorah.com}dr.sorah@drsorah.com{/email}. © Copyright 2007 by Dr. Sorah Dubitsky.
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The question posed in the title of this column comes from "A Course in Miracles." The original quote is "Do you prefer that you be right or happy?" ("A Course in Miracles," T-29.VII.1:9). The question is asked in the context that nothing other than the awareness of the presence of God will make you happy. Asking the question within the context of my marriage has given me pause to think about what my real priorities are.
It seems that the question "right or happy" is especially important for married men to ask. John Gottman, one of the country's leading researchers and writers about marriage, says that men who are in long-term happy marriages allow themselves to be influenced by their wives. Learning to be flexible isn't as important for women, since women are more malleable by nature. Women are more likely to either give in or seek compromise in areas of disagreement.
Gottman's research findings about men learning how to take direction from their wives as a key to long-term marriage replicates the work of Deborah Tannen, who wrote "He Said, She Said." Tannen documented relationship-style differences between men and women that begin in childhood. In a training video that Tannen produced, she shows how 5-year-old boys try to outdo each other about whose dad can hit a ball higher. One little boy says that his dad can hit a ball all the way up to there, raising his hand high over his head. A second little boy says that his dad can hit a ball up to Heaven. Then a third little boy pipes up that his dad can hit a ball all the way up to God!
Tannen also shows how women, beginning in childhood, are rapport seekers. In conversations, they focus on what they have in common. Tannen's video depicts one little girl saying to another that her babysitter just got contacts. The other little girl announces that her mother just got contacts too. They giggle over the fact that what they know is "the same."
Applying these two researchers' findings to marriage is really useful. Understanding that women seek connection and men seek status can make the conversational process easier. For example, women engage in what Tannen calls "troubles talk." Women, also beginning in childhood, share secrets with their best friends. Part of sharing secrets is telling each other their problems. A woman's husband is supposed to be her best friend. Therefore, she tells her husband her problems. Her husband, fixated on status, doesn't discuss problems. Furthermore, because he's status-oriented, he thinks that to retain his status, he's supposed to fix her problems. As Tannen explains, she's not looking for a "fix"; she's just sharing secrets with her best friend. All she wants is for him to listen. If he showed sympathy instead of suggesting solutions, she'd soon shift focus and move on to a different conversational stream.
Another difference that men and women exhibit is that men engage in what Tannen calls "ritualistic opposition." Men are competitive. Little boys "play fight." Fighting and competing are ways that men keep their status. In marriage, men will tease their wives because teasing is natural to male friendships. Teasing is a mild form of play-fighting. Teasing shows that you like someone. To women, teasing is not a rapport building behavior, and so they take it seriously. They think their husband is fighting with them.
Understanding the differences in men's and women's basic natures and conversational styles is a real marriage saver. If a woman's husband doesn't want to listen to her "troubles," then she needs to find a female best friend who will. Better yet, a woman may ask herself whether what she's sharing is something really important or does she just want to know she's being heard. A man who learns the words "I hear you" or "I understand" has made great strides in earning his wife's appreciation. A man who's willing to follow his wife's lead doesn't lose his relationship status; he becomes his wife's hero.
Had we known of Tannen's and Gottman's findings when Larry and I first got married, it would have saved us a lot of time in learning to understand each other. The fact that we did come to resolve the differences in our male/female natures, and in our conversational styles, is really a function of our spiritual commitment to one another. By referring all marital differences to a higher power, we discovered that we had an inner Universal Translator. We have been able to resolve most relationship issues because we listen from a higher perspective. We step out of the he said/she said drama and focus on our common humanity. "A Course in Miracles" talks about how a teacher of God is a person who has seen someone else's interests as his own. What are those interests: love, peace and understanding.
A marriage dedicated to peace rather than being right is a marriage that will withstand the test of time.
— — —
Dr. Sorah Dubitsky, Ph.D., is an author, speaker, teacher and healer. She conducts workshops and seminars on love, marriage, sexuality and spirituality as well as offers individual and couples counseling. She is also a fellow at Florida International University's Center for the Study of Spirituality. Her book "A Chorus of Wisdom" is available at Amazon.com and all major online and retail book outlets. Visit her website. Send an email to {email dr.sorah@drsorah.com}dr.sorah@drsorah.com{/email}. © Copyright 2007 by Dr. Sorah Dubitsky.
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