Monday, January 7, 2008 at 12:12am
Please and thank you
Column: Interesting Times
Apparently, when I was not looking, "please" and "thank you" went the way of the dodo bird. Presents mailed and given in person, rather spectacular (if I do say so myself) home-cooked holiday meals, being available on a moment's notice — all without a "thank you" from the assorted family who gathered from two continents and thousands of miles to eat the food I prepared and take away the books and sweaters and stocking stuffers.
Sigh.
"Please" has become "sure." When anyone in my circle under 55 was asked if they wanted something, "sure" was the answer. I am not merely a curmudgeon; gratitude is a prerequisite to growth, to healing, to faith, to progress on all fronts. My despair at the disappearance of "thank you" has more to do with concern for what will become of people who don't acknowledge material and spiritual gifts, what will become of manners that signal appreciation for effort and care?
Christmas morning, after an Eve of the assembled group "taking it all for granted," I stood at the door of my closet with the heard-only-to-me thought, "We have everything but Love. What we need is more Love." Karen came to my mind. A friend in another state who always says "thank you" and means it. Karen always loves. And I resolved to Love more on Christmas Day. I did OK with that, and it was not too hard with the example of my friend Priscilla hosting her annual Christmas party for 100 assorted friends and strangers. There is always an abundance of food and an abundance of her love and thoughtfulness as she sits and talks over six or seven hours with all who come to her farm.
Phyllis and I were talking on the phone after the holiday about thanklessness. "Are the young just too busy to call or write when they are sent something?" she mused. "Or is it just a different time?" Perhaps so. I, for one, live in the world of Miss Manners. Miss Manners' world is one in which children who write thank you notes get more presents. Lord knows I have tried to instill gratitude in my group but, really, to not much avail. They are grateful for those things and people they like, but don't seem to extend the sentiment via discipline and inclusiveness. A possible recourse is to be more grateful myself, as no one likes a nag and practicing what one preaches is often a good thing. Another is to quietly remind myself of my motives, the Spirit behind gift giving and hospitality. My thank you notes are sent off before the first of the New Year, lest I be a total hypocrite.
Biblical hospitality begins in Genesis 18 with Abraham in the door of his tent seeing three men/angels approaching. He leaps up to greet them and then it's all about the food.
"And Abraham hastened into the tent unto Sarah, and said, Make ready quickly three measures of fine meal, knead it, and make cakes upon the hearth. And Abraham ran unto the herd, and fetched a calf tender and good, and gave it unto a young man; and he hastened to dress it. And he took butter, and milk, and the calf which he had dressed, and set it before them; and he stood by them under the tree, and they did eat." Infinite good for Abraham and Sarah come from this response to guests as they are both changed and the next year Isaac is born.
The acrostic poem in Proverbs 30 that includes this: "She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness. She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness. Her children arise up, and call her blessed" is a tough act to follow and a high goal that is always on my mind. It is not odd that I might be disappointed from time to time.
Nevertheless, says Jesus, "For he is kind unto the unthankful and to the evil."
If He is kind to the unthankful and the evil, well, I guess I can be too.
Thank you for reading. It's appreciated!
— — —
Lynne Bundesen is the author of five books on religion and was adjunct professor at the Boston Theological Institute under a Templeton Science and Religion Grant. She is currently the spiritual expert for the physical and spiritual health website of Dr. Andrew Weil. Her book "The Feminine Spirit: Recapturing the Heart of Scripture" was just published. Her email address is {email lynnebundesen@hotmail.com}lynnebundesen@hotmail.com{/email}. © Copyright 2008 by Lynne Bundesen.
Sigh.
"Please" has become "sure." When anyone in my circle under 55 was asked if they wanted something, "sure" was the answer. I am not merely a curmudgeon; gratitude is a prerequisite to growth, to healing, to faith, to progress on all fronts. My despair at the disappearance of "thank you" has more to do with concern for what will become of people who don't acknowledge material and spiritual gifts, what will become of manners that signal appreciation for effort and care?
Christmas morning, after an Eve of the assembled group "taking it all for granted," I stood at the door of my closet with the heard-only-to-me thought, "We have everything but Love. What we need is more Love." Karen came to my mind. A friend in another state who always says "thank you" and means it. Karen always loves. And I resolved to Love more on Christmas Day. I did OK with that, and it was not too hard with the example of my friend Priscilla hosting her annual Christmas party for 100 assorted friends and strangers. There is always an abundance of food and an abundance of her love and thoughtfulness as she sits and talks over six or seven hours with all who come to her farm.
Phyllis and I were talking on the phone after the holiday about thanklessness. "Are the young just too busy to call or write when they are sent something?" she mused. "Or is it just a different time?" Perhaps so. I, for one, live in the world of Miss Manners. Miss Manners' world is one in which children who write thank you notes get more presents. Lord knows I have tried to instill gratitude in my group but, really, to not much avail. They are grateful for those things and people they like, but don't seem to extend the sentiment via discipline and inclusiveness. A possible recourse is to be more grateful myself, as no one likes a nag and practicing what one preaches is often a good thing. Another is to quietly remind myself of my motives, the Spirit behind gift giving and hospitality. My thank you notes are sent off before the first of the New Year, lest I be a total hypocrite.
Biblical hospitality begins in Genesis 18 with Abraham in the door of his tent seeing three men/angels approaching. He leaps up to greet them and then it's all about the food.
"And Abraham hastened into the tent unto Sarah, and said, Make ready quickly three measures of fine meal, knead it, and make cakes upon the hearth. And Abraham ran unto the herd, and fetched a calf tender and good, and gave it unto a young man; and he hastened to dress it. And he took butter, and milk, and the calf which he had dressed, and set it before them; and he stood by them under the tree, and they did eat." Infinite good for Abraham and Sarah come from this response to guests as they are both changed and the next year Isaac is born.
The acrostic poem in Proverbs 30 that includes this: "She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness. She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness. Her children arise up, and call her blessed" is a tough act to follow and a high goal that is always on my mind. It is not odd that I might be disappointed from time to time.
Nevertheless, says Jesus, "For he is kind unto the unthankful and to the evil."
If He is kind to the unthankful and the evil, well, I guess I can be too.
Thank you for reading. It's appreciated!
— — —
Lynne Bundesen is the author of five books on religion and was adjunct professor at the Boston Theological Institute under a Templeton Science and Religion Grant. She is currently the spiritual expert for the physical and spiritual health website of Dr. Andrew Weil. Her book "The Feminine Spirit: Recapturing the Heart of Scripture" was just published. Her email address is {email lynnebundesen@hotmail.com}lynnebundesen@hotmail.com{/email}. © Copyright 2008 by Lynne Bundesen.