Wednesday, January 9, 2008 at 1:01am
A shot at lust
Column: Love, God and Sex
I swore I would ignore the whole Tila Tequila phenomenon. After all, how could a person with no talent and the depth of a thread have a TV show rated among the Top 15 most viewed on cable. The show's premise of a bisexual woman finding true love among a gaggle of guys and gals led to sleazy scenes of lesbian kissing and hetero groping. As with Playboy magazine, I'm sure no one watched it for its intellectual content.
But too many of my buttons got pushed when I read the headline that "A Shot at Love," the show's presumptuous title, was picked up for a second season. The suitor who won last season's competition - a male - had already been dumped! So much for long-term love! Was it the case that true love didn't last — or that the producers were going for a second season's smash ratings?
The show represents the worst of the current cultural zeitgeist about love. On the one hand, "A Shot at Love" perpetuates the Sir Galahad myth of knights (and in this case knightesses, as well) competing in feats of strength (or grossness) to win the fair damsel's hand. On the other hand, the show is a voyeuristic fantasy that makes hotness the central criterion for choosing a potential mate.
The challenges ranged from the gross to the erotic. In one gross challenge contestants had to eat a bull's penis, testicles, eyeballs and heart. In another gross challenge contestants turned their bodies into human siphons; they rolled around in tubs of melted chocolate and then filled containers with the chocolate that dripped off their bodies. In an erotic sequence, contestants were challenged to give Tila a massage. And in a version of Truth or Dare, the male contestants were dared to kiss one another.
Each show ended with the faux drama of who was going to be voted off and who was going to keep getting "A Shot at Love." Tila stood before the group of remaining contestants, taking pregnant pauses to prolong the tension between her pronouncements. The contestants were noticeably nervous with anticipation. Defeated contestants left in a huff, and those who were asked to remain received a hug and a peck on the cheek from Tila.
The only reason I watched the show was to gather research for the Psychology of Sexual Behavior class I taught last fall. To call the show "A Shot at Love" is false advertising. To think that jumping through hoops (which was not one of the challenges, but perhaps the producers will take note for next time) has anything to do with love is the same thing as saying that Spam has something to do with food.
Real love takes courage if you want it to last. Love calls for patience, kindness, tolerance, forgiveness and gratitude. Love calls for compassion. Love means that you're willing to confront all the unforgiving places inside you. Love has nothing to do with winning challenges. Love has nothing to do with being hot. If you believe the program's premise, love is found in the heat of the moment and is defined by "what have you done for me lately."
Pseudo "love" shows like "The Bachelor" or "Who Wants to Marry My Dad" can't lead to long-term love. And sex within the context of these relationships will bloom and fade like a withering flower. The superficial characteristics on which these relationships are built are like building homes on sand. One strong storm and the sand shifts, causing the home to sink. Without a solid foundation, relationships are destined to die.
And sex can never reach the pinnacle of cosmic oneness that it's meant to serve. Sex stays a game - a contest - that can't transcend time and space because it's stuck in superficiality.
Perhaps Tila Tequila is performing a mitzvah. Perhaps she's showing what love isn't, so that people who want to grow old with their partner will have a basis of contrast. Perhaps the voyeuristic titillation that "A Shot at Love" provides will pique viewers' lust. But, the feeling of lust is short-lived. And after it dies, a question arises: "Is that all there is?"
Questioning "Is that all there is?" can start people on a journey to look for love in all the right places. A search for love in all the right places begins with searching for love within and then allowing that love to grow by sharing it with another.
— — —
Sorah Dubitsky, Ph.D., is an author, speaker, teacher and healer. She conducts workshops and seminars on love, marriage, sexuality and spirituality as well as offers individual and couples counseling. She is also a fellow at Florida International University's Center for the Study of Spirituality, where she also teaches psychology classes. Her book "A Chorus of Wisdom" is available at Amazon.com and all major online and retail book outlets. Send an email to {email dr.sorah@drsorah.com}dr.sorah@drsorah.com{/email} and visit Dr. Sorah's website at www.drsorah.com. © Copyright 2008 by Dr. Sorah Dubitsky.
But too many of my buttons got pushed when I read the headline that "A Shot at Love," the show's presumptuous title, was picked up for a second season. The suitor who won last season's competition - a male - had already been dumped! So much for long-term love! Was it the case that true love didn't last — or that the producers were going for a second season's smash ratings?
The show represents the worst of the current cultural zeitgeist about love. On the one hand, "A Shot at Love" perpetuates the Sir Galahad myth of knights (and in this case knightesses, as well) competing in feats of strength (or grossness) to win the fair damsel's hand. On the other hand, the show is a voyeuristic fantasy that makes hotness the central criterion for choosing a potential mate.
The challenges ranged from the gross to the erotic. In one gross challenge contestants had to eat a bull's penis, testicles, eyeballs and heart. In another gross challenge contestants turned their bodies into human siphons; they rolled around in tubs of melted chocolate and then filled containers with the chocolate that dripped off their bodies. In an erotic sequence, contestants were challenged to give Tila a massage. And in a version of Truth or Dare, the male contestants were dared to kiss one another.
Each show ended with the faux drama of who was going to be voted off and who was going to keep getting "A Shot at Love." Tila stood before the group of remaining contestants, taking pregnant pauses to prolong the tension between her pronouncements. The contestants were noticeably nervous with anticipation. Defeated contestants left in a huff, and those who were asked to remain received a hug and a peck on the cheek from Tila.
The only reason I watched the show was to gather research for the Psychology of Sexual Behavior class I taught last fall. To call the show "A Shot at Love" is false advertising. To think that jumping through hoops (which was not one of the challenges, but perhaps the producers will take note for next time) has anything to do with love is the same thing as saying that Spam has something to do with food.
Real love takes courage if you want it to last. Love calls for patience, kindness, tolerance, forgiveness and gratitude. Love calls for compassion. Love means that you're willing to confront all the unforgiving places inside you. Love has nothing to do with winning challenges. Love has nothing to do with being hot. If you believe the program's premise, love is found in the heat of the moment and is defined by "what have you done for me lately."
Pseudo "love" shows like "The Bachelor" or "Who Wants to Marry My Dad" can't lead to long-term love. And sex within the context of these relationships will bloom and fade like a withering flower. The superficial characteristics on which these relationships are built are like building homes on sand. One strong storm and the sand shifts, causing the home to sink. Without a solid foundation, relationships are destined to die.
And sex can never reach the pinnacle of cosmic oneness that it's meant to serve. Sex stays a game - a contest - that can't transcend time and space because it's stuck in superficiality.
Perhaps Tila Tequila is performing a mitzvah. Perhaps she's showing what love isn't, so that people who want to grow old with their partner will have a basis of contrast. Perhaps the voyeuristic titillation that "A Shot at Love" provides will pique viewers' lust. But, the feeling of lust is short-lived. And after it dies, a question arises: "Is that all there is?"
Questioning "Is that all there is?" can start people on a journey to look for love in all the right places. A search for love in all the right places begins with searching for love within and then allowing that love to grow by sharing it with another.
— — —
Sorah Dubitsky, Ph.D., is an author, speaker, teacher and healer. She conducts workshops and seminars on love, marriage, sexuality and spirituality as well as offers individual and couples counseling. She is also a fellow at Florida International University's Center for the Study of Spirituality, where she also teaches psychology classes. Her book "A Chorus of Wisdom" is available at Amazon.com and all major online and retail book outlets. Send an email to {email dr.sorah@drsorah.com}dr.sorah@drsorah.com{/email} and visit Dr. Sorah's website at www.drsorah.com. © Copyright 2008 by Dr. Sorah Dubitsky.