Wednesday, January 16, 2008 at 1:01am
What's a biblical 'family ministry'?
Column: New Houses from Old Bricks
This column often provides a place to explore thorny topics that have emerged in the course of daily ministry. This week I'm chewing on an approach to "family ministry."
The trouble started when I read "Sacred Cows Make Gourmet Burgers" by Bill Easum. It's not about family ministry at all. But Easum suggests that we avoid comparing a congregation to a "family," and his reasoning made me question whether "family values" and a "focus on the family" are consistent with the Bible. How should our church be doing "family ministry," if at all?
For example, Easum writes, "Christians often place family before everything, even God. The scriptures make it very plain that nothing comes before our faith in God." He goes right to the top for his examples: Jesus, who says, "If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters — yes, even his own life — he cannot be my disciple" (Luke 14:26). Several times Jesus rebuked people for placing family obligations over the call to follow him (i.e., Matthew 8:21-22).
So that's what Jesus says about other families; here's what he says about his own family, when someone nudges him that his family is outside, asking for him: " 'Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?' Pointing to his disciples, he said, 'Here are my mother and my brothers. For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother' " (Matthew 12:48-49).
The role and function of the family are quite different in our time, compared to Jesus'. Nevertheless, it seems safe to say, at least, that Jesus prioritized relationship with God over relationship with family. To get those confused — as with anything we prioritize over God — would be idolatry. Yes, we are told to "honor father and mother," but in the Ten Commandments that comes after the primacy of God, God's name and God's Sabbath.
So why care about families at all? Why be concerned, for example, over parents who drop their kids off at church for religious education, but have little connection with church themselves or don't support practices of faith at home?
The first reason is practical: Kids spend much more time with family than they do with Sunday school teachers. For most kids, parents are a primary religious influence — for good or ill. So, if we care about children developing faith, we had better care about their parents' faith, too. Moreover, we ought to care about helping them practice their faith together at home, beyond Sunday mornings.
The second reason is theological: Family is the place where we live out our vocations as parents, sons, daughters, siblings. We practice loving, with the family God has given us to love. As in our other vocations throughout life, God is revealed to us through our family. Our families provide excellent opportunities to learn compassion, service, selflessness, patience, kindness, discipline and forgiveness. Especially forgiveness.
But that theology creates at least two problems. The first: Sin, stress and systems too often prevent families from realizing this ideal, or even approaching it. Too many families simply aren't capable of teaching those things, but teach instead rejection, control, anger, isolation or resentment. The body of Christ has always provided a much-needed alternative to and relief from the flaws and failures of biological families. (Of course, the body of Christ offers plenty of opportunity and necessity for learning forgiveness, too!)
Second problem: As with any role or vocation, we can forget family is a gift from God, and put it in the place of God. St. Ignatius made it clear in his First Principle and Foundation of his Spiritual Exercises:
"All the things in this world [including family] are gifts from God, presented to us so that we can know God more easily and make a return of love more readily. As a result, we appreciate and use all these gifts of God insofar as they help us to develop as loving persons. But if any of these gifts become the center of our lives, they displace God and so hinder our growth toward our goal" (paraphrase by David L. Fleming, S.J.).
We put parents or children or spouses in the place of God when we expect that they will meet all our needs for love and connection, or when we believe we can meet all of theirs. Few relationships can take that kind of pressure without showing the strain.
On the other hand, to receive parents and children and spouses as gifts of God means we rely on God to meet our needs, not only through our families, but also through friends, other roles and activities and networks, and the body of Christ.
So then, what should "family ministry" look like? Perhaps we don't have to choose either black or white: families always together, or always separate age groups. Certainly we should give families tools to practice faith at home together, and encourage them to do so. And we should preach God's unconditional love and provide opportunities for all ages to experience that, without assuming that's what every family models.
In the gray area between, the church should help people explore family relationships realistically and hopefully — offering freedom to share honestly the blessings and the challenges, the comforts and the wounds. That realistic hope, or hopeful realism, could help us learn and practice forgiveness.
— — —
Rev. Rebecca Schlatter is an ordained minister in the Lutheran Church (ELCA) in Reno, Nevada. You can contact her at {email newhousesfromoldbricks@hotmail.com}newhousesfromoldbricks@hotmail.com{/email}. © Copyright 2008 by Rebecca Schlatter.
The trouble started when I read "Sacred Cows Make Gourmet Burgers" by Bill Easum. It's not about family ministry at all. But Easum suggests that we avoid comparing a congregation to a "family," and his reasoning made me question whether "family values" and a "focus on the family" are consistent with the Bible. How should our church be doing "family ministry," if at all?
For example, Easum writes, "Christians often place family before everything, even God. The scriptures make it very plain that nothing comes before our faith in God." He goes right to the top for his examples: Jesus, who says, "If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters — yes, even his own life — he cannot be my disciple" (Luke 14:26). Several times Jesus rebuked people for placing family obligations over the call to follow him (i.e., Matthew 8:21-22).
So that's what Jesus says about other families; here's what he says about his own family, when someone nudges him that his family is outside, asking for him: " 'Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?' Pointing to his disciples, he said, 'Here are my mother and my brothers. For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother' " (Matthew 12:48-49).
The role and function of the family are quite different in our time, compared to Jesus'. Nevertheless, it seems safe to say, at least, that Jesus prioritized relationship with God over relationship with family. To get those confused — as with anything we prioritize over God — would be idolatry. Yes, we are told to "honor father and mother," but in the Ten Commandments that comes after the primacy of God, God's name and God's Sabbath.
So why care about families at all? Why be concerned, for example, over parents who drop their kids off at church for religious education, but have little connection with church themselves or don't support practices of faith at home?
The first reason is practical: Kids spend much more time with family than they do with Sunday school teachers. For most kids, parents are a primary religious influence — for good or ill. So, if we care about children developing faith, we had better care about their parents' faith, too. Moreover, we ought to care about helping them practice their faith together at home, beyond Sunday mornings.
The second reason is theological: Family is the place where we live out our vocations as parents, sons, daughters, siblings. We practice loving, with the family God has given us to love. As in our other vocations throughout life, God is revealed to us through our family. Our families provide excellent opportunities to learn compassion, service, selflessness, patience, kindness, discipline and forgiveness. Especially forgiveness.
But that theology creates at least two problems. The first: Sin, stress and systems too often prevent families from realizing this ideal, or even approaching it. Too many families simply aren't capable of teaching those things, but teach instead rejection, control, anger, isolation or resentment. The body of Christ has always provided a much-needed alternative to and relief from the flaws and failures of biological families. (Of course, the body of Christ offers plenty of opportunity and necessity for learning forgiveness, too!)
Second problem: As with any role or vocation, we can forget family is a gift from God, and put it in the place of God. St. Ignatius made it clear in his First Principle and Foundation of his Spiritual Exercises:
"All the things in this world [including family] are gifts from God, presented to us so that we can know God more easily and make a return of love more readily. As a result, we appreciate and use all these gifts of God insofar as they help us to develop as loving persons. But if any of these gifts become the center of our lives, they displace God and so hinder our growth toward our goal" (paraphrase by David L. Fleming, S.J.).
We put parents or children or spouses in the place of God when we expect that they will meet all our needs for love and connection, or when we believe we can meet all of theirs. Few relationships can take that kind of pressure without showing the strain.
On the other hand, to receive parents and children and spouses as gifts of God means we rely on God to meet our needs, not only through our families, but also through friends, other roles and activities and networks, and the body of Christ.
So then, what should "family ministry" look like? Perhaps we don't have to choose either black or white: families always together, or always separate age groups. Certainly we should give families tools to practice faith at home together, and encourage them to do so. And we should preach God's unconditional love and provide opportunities for all ages to experience that, without assuming that's what every family models.
In the gray area between, the church should help people explore family relationships realistically and hopefully — offering freedom to share honestly the blessings and the challenges, the comforts and the wounds. That realistic hope, or hopeful realism, could help us learn and practice forgiveness.
— — —
Rev. Rebecca Schlatter is an ordained minister in the Lutheran Church (ELCA) in Reno, Nevada. You can contact her at {email newhousesfromoldbricks@hotmail.com}newhousesfromoldbricks@hotmail.com{/email}. © Copyright 2008 by Rebecca Schlatter.