Tuesday, January 22, 2008 at 2:02am
Sometimes we have to be different
Column: PERFECTBALANCELIFE
In September of 1978 I provided a photograph to the head minister of my church, requesting that he make a suggestion to me for a possible future marriage partner. This made a lot of sense to me because he knew hundreds of young women and their parents, and I also considered him a very good judge of human character. As a young and rather inexperienced 26-year-old man regarding the world of women, I was open to considering any possible help in this area. Sometimes we have to be different.
Arranged marriages are unpopular today in America and Western Europe, and are still common in Asia, Africa and the Middle East. In today's modern world this practice is vehemently denounced in both Eastern and Western cultures as inhumane, because of the perception that either one or both partners are forced into the marriage, thus denying individual freedom of choice.
After waiting for a few weeks to hear back from my minister, suddenly, one early morning on Oct. 31, 1978, I was awakened from sleep by my roommate with a message to go and meet my minister at his downtown church office. As I quickly got dressed, my mind was racing with the question as to whether or not he was requesting this meeting to give me some news about finding a possible marriage partner. When I arrived at his office, he asked me to sit down next to him, and relax.
Next, he pulled out an envelope from inside his left suit jacket pocket and placed it on the table in front of me. Then he looked up at me and said, "I've located a very nice Korean woman who has been living in South Korea her whole life. She is single and has a strong family background. She is open to the idea of possibly getting married with a man from America. I showed her your picture when I was in Korea last week. She has agreed to meet you and get engaged with you, only if you will agree to say yes, right now, even before meeting or talking with or seeing her. What do you say?" Without any hesitation I replied: Yes, I agree to these conditions and want to start corresponding with her immediately. He then opened up the envelope, pulled out a small piece of paper from inside and handed it over to me. On this paper was written the age and name of my engagement partner. Thus began my path to eventually getting married.
Thirty years later my wife and I are the proud parents of three very amazing and beautiful children. In May of 2006 our daughter, first of our three children, got married to an outstanding young man who has been a part of our spiritual community for many years. Our first son is attending college in the Northeast, and our youngest son is also attending his local community college while he lives at home with his Mom and Dad. The challenges and obstacles my wife and I encounter day to day and year to year in this international and intercultural marriage are many and wide and deep. Through it all we have always offered up our circumstances to God, who has sustained and provided for us, even when we did not recognize it or feel particularly blessed or grateful.
Being different from the norm and going in a direction that appears to be foolish, impossible or absurd to the status quo can result in tremendous blessing and fulfillment. Back when my wife and I got engaged, we did not speak the same language and we did not have too much in common in terms of cultural experience. Yet, with faith in a purpose beyond our own self-interest, a faith in God's presence to be manifested through human beings, and a willingness to stick it out through all highs and lows, we are experiencing a constant presence of peace and fulfillment. Although I do not bring this up on my own, many who considered my actions some 30 years ago as a sign of weakness, gullibility and naiveté are pleasantly surprised about how our lives have unfolded. My wife and I feel the same way.
Sometimes we need to be different.
Jack LaValley is a practitioner of the martial arts, physical cultivation exercises, and sitting meditation. Although currently working in the hospitality industry, he spends much of his free time helping and working together with those who are pursuing the spiritual path. Jack and his wife, Wha-ja Oh-LaValley, a native of South Korea, reside in Westchester County, New York, and are the proud parents of three beautiful children. Jack is completing his book manuscript, "A Perfectly Balanced Life: Living Each Day with Wisdom and Strength," and expects publication to be in October 2008. You can reach Jack at: perfectbalance1@optimum.net © Copyright 2008 by Jack LaValley.
Arranged marriages are unpopular today in America and Western Europe, and are still common in Asia, Africa and the Middle East. In today's modern world this practice is vehemently denounced in both Eastern and Western cultures as inhumane, because of the perception that either one or both partners are forced into the marriage, thus denying individual freedom of choice.
After waiting for a few weeks to hear back from my minister, suddenly, one early morning on Oct. 31, 1978, I was awakened from sleep by my roommate with a message to go and meet my minister at his downtown church office. As I quickly got dressed, my mind was racing with the question as to whether or not he was requesting this meeting to give me some news about finding a possible marriage partner. When I arrived at his office, he asked me to sit down next to him, and relax.
Next, he pulled out an envelope from inside his left suit jacket pocket and placed it on the table in front of me. Then he looked up at me and said, "I've located a very nice Korean woman who has been living in South Korea her whole life. She is single and has a strong family background. She is open to the idea of possibly getting married with a man from America. I showed her your picture when I was in Korea last week. She has agreed to meet you and get engaged with you, only if you will agree to say yes, right now, even before meeting or talking with or seeing her. What do you say?" Without any hesitation I replied: Yes, I agree to these conditions and want to start corresponding with her immediately. He then opened up the envelope, pulled out a small piece of paper from inside and handed it over to me. On this paper was written the age and name of my engagement partner. Thus began my path to eventually getting married.
Thirty years later my wife and I are the proud parents of three very amazing and beautiful children. In May of 2006 our daughter, first of our three children, got married to an outstanding young man who has been a part of our spiritual community for many years. Our first son is attending college in the Northeast, and our youngest son is also attending his local community college while he lives at home with his Mom and Dad. The challenges and obstacles my wife and I encounter day to day and year to year in this international and intercultural marriage are many and wide and deep. Through it all we have always offered up our circumstances to God, who has sustained and provided for us, even when we did not recognize it or feel particularly blessed or grateful.
Being different from the norm and going in a direction that appears to be foolish, impossible or absurd to the status quo can result in tremendous blessing and fulfillment. Back when my wife and I got engaged, we did not speak the same language and we did not have too much in common in terms of cultural experience. Yet, with faith in a purpose beyond our own self-interest, a faith in God's presence to be manifested through human beings, and a willingness to stick it out through all highs and lows, we are experiencing a constant presence of peace and fulfillment. Although I do not bring this up on my own, many who considered my actions some 30 years ago as a sign of weakness, gullibility and naiveté are pleasantly surprised about how our lives have unfolded. My wife and I feel the same way.
Sometimes we need to be different.
Jack LaValley is a practitioner of the martial arts, physical cultivation exercises, and sitting meditation. Although currently working in the hospitality industry, he spends much of his free time helping and working together with those who are pursuing the spiritual path. Jack and his wife, Wha-ja Oh-LaValley, a native of South Korea, reside in Westchester County, New York, and are the proud parents of three beautiful children. Jack is completing his book manuscript, "A Perfectly Balanced Life: Living Each Day with Wisdom and Strength," and expects publication to be in October 2008. You can reach Jack at: perfectbalance1@optimum.net © Copyright 2008 by Jack LaValley.