Wednesday, January 23, 2008 at 1:01am
The secret to great sex: Timing
Column: Love, God and Sex
Just about any human sexuality textbook has a discussion of Masters and Johnson's four-phase sexual response cycle. These cycles, according to Masters and Johnson, are the excitement phase, plateau phase, orgasm and resolution. The University of California at Santa Barbara has a good description of these cycles along with diagrams depicting the different ways men and women experience the cycles. Briefly, the excitement phase is the beginning of arousal; the plateau phase is a sustained period of arousal; orgasm is the pinnacle of the cycle; and the resolution phase is a return to a pre-excited state. In addition, Masters and Johnson note that men experience a refractory phase, which is like a time out that occurs after orgasm. During the refractory phase, a man is incapable of being aroused. The refractory phase can last a few minutes to a few days, according to Crooks and Baur (2008).*
In studying the response cycle diagrams, it becomes clear that the differences between men and women could lead to sexual dissatisfaction. One difference is that women's sexual responsiveness is more variable than men's. The male diagram looks very much like a route up a mountain. There's a quick ascent to a plateau, then a sharp leap to the pinnacle, and a rapid descent. Some women, at varying times, have the same response cycle as a man. But, according to Masters and Johnson, women have two other primary response cycles. Some women, at different times, can stay in the plateau phase and enter resolution without having had an orgasm. Other women, at different times, can have multiple orgasms.
Another major difference is that only men have a refractory period, the time during which it's impossible for them to become aroused. The fact that women don't need a time out and men do is an important piece of information that couples should know.
There's a hilarious video clip on YouTube that demonstrates the differences in men's and women's sexual response cycle. The clip features Robin Williams, who's demonstrating what happens when he's already had an orgasm and his wife hasn't. Robin sticks his head in the crook of his elbow and simulates oral sex. He wiggles his head around and lifts every once in a while, and says, "Are you done yet?" Then he says, "I love you" and goes back to work. When he speaks again, his lips are numb and his words come out garbles. Then he falls asleep with his face buried in his elbow joint.
Had Robin read this piece, especially the suggestion below, he would have had to come up with a different comedy routine. After all, the Kabbalah teaches that it's a man's duty to please his wife and make sure she's satisfied sexually. But to make Robin's job easier, here are some suggestions:
Make your lovemaking sessions timeless. Take the phone off the hook. Turn the clocks down. Put a "do not disturb" sign on your door.
See your love making as an act of service from one Beloved to Another.
Be aware that wholeheartedly wanting someone to feel good and be happy is a very holy calling.
If a woman is capable of having multiple orgasms, it's a good idea for her to have at least one before her partner has his.
Mantak Chia has written many books on Taoism and sex. He's developed techniques to make both women and men multi-orgasmic.
Margot Anand's books, CDs and videos introduce couples to tantric sexual practices. Tantric practices focus on sensuality.
Sex is like a good joke because the lead-up to the punch line is just as important as, if not more important than, the punch line. We laugh at a good joke because we've been prepped by the quality of the lead-up. The same is true in orgasm, which is the sexual equivalent of laughing at a punch line. For better sex, take your time in the lead-up, and each partner will be happy and satisfied. They may even be laughing.
*Crooks, R., & Baur, K. (2008). Our Sexuality. Belmont, CA: Thomson Higher Education.
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Dr. Sorah Dubitsky, Ph.D., is an author, speaker, teacher and healer. She conducts workshops and seminars on love, marriage, sexuality and spirituality. She also offers individual and couples counseling. She is also a fellow at Florida International University's Center for the Study of Spirituality. Her book, "A Chorus of Wisdom" is available at Amazon.com and all major online and retail book outlets. Visit her website. Send an email to {email dr.sorah@drsorah.com}dr.sorah@drsorah.com{/email}. © Copyright 2008 by Dr. Sorah Dubitsky.
In studying the response cycle diagrams, it becomes clear that the differences between men and women could lead to sexual dissatisfaction. One difference is that women's sexual responsiveness is more variable than men's. The male diagram looks very much like a route up a mountain. There's a quick ascent to a plateau, then a sharp leap to the pinnacle, and a rapid descent. Some women, at varying times, have the same response cycle as a man. But, according to Masters and Johnson, women have two other primary response cycles. Some women, at different times, can stay in the plateau phase and enter resolution without having had an orgasm. Other women, at different times, can have multiple orgasms.
Another major difference is that only men have a refractory period, the time during which it's impossible for them to become aroused. The fact that women don't need a time out and men do is an important piece of information that couples should know.
There's a hilarious video clip on YouTube that demonstrates the differences in men's and women's sexual response cycle. The clip features Robin Williams, who's demonstrating what happens when he's already had an orgasm and his wife hasn't. Robin sticks his head in the crook of his elbow and simulates oral sex. He wiggles his head around and lifts every once in a while, and says, "Are you done yet?" Then he says, "I love you" and goes back to work. When he speaks again, his lips are numb and his words come out garbles. Then he falls asleep with his face buried in his elbow joint.
Had Robin read this piece, especially the suggestion below, he would have had to come up with a different comedy routine. After all, the Kabbalah teaches that it's a man's duty to please his wife and make sure she's satisfied sexually. But to make Robin's job easier, here are some suggestions:
Make your lovemaking sessions timeless. Take the phone off the hook. Turn the clocks down. Put a "do not disturb" sign on your door.
See your love making as an act of service from one Beloved to Another.
Be aware that wholeheartedly wanting someone to feel good and be happy is a very holy calling.
If a woman is capable of having multiple orgasms, it's a good idea for her to have at least one before her partner has his.
Mantak Chia has written many books on Taoism and sex. He's developed techniques to make both women and men multi-orgasmic.
Margot Anand's books, CDs and videos introduce couples to tantric sexual practices. Tantric practices focus on sensuality.
Sex is like a good joke because the lead-up to the punch line is just as important as, if not more important than, the punch line. We laugh at a good joke because we've been prepped by the quality of the lead-up. The same is true in orgasm, which is the sexual equivalent of laughing at a punch line. For better sex, take your time in the lead-up, and each partner will be happy and satisfied. They may even be laughing.
*Crooks, R., & Baur, K. (2008). Our Sexuality. Belmont, CA: Thomson Higher Education.
— — —
Dr. Sorah Dubitsky, Ph.D., is an author, speaker, teacher and healer. She conducts workshops and seminars on love, marriage, sexuality and spirituality. She also offers individual and couples counseling. She is also a fellow at Florida International University's Center for the Study of Spirituality. Her book, "A Chorus of Wisdom" is available at Amazon.com and all major online and retail book outlets. Visit her website. Send an email to {email dr.sorah@drsorah.com}dr.sorah@drsorah.com{/email}. © Copyright 2008 by Dr. Sorah Dubitsky.