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Posted: January 30th, 2008 at 1:58am By: Sorah Dubitsky
So much of Western society is hooked on sex. But the "hooked" syndrome doesn't only apply to those who indulge in pursuit of sex. "Hooked" also refers to people who avoid sex at all costs. Indulgence and avoidance are opposite sides of the same spectrum. Sex is still a special object to be indulged in or avoided.
Osho describes the Tantric path as the middle way. The middle way is neither pursuing nor avoiding. The middle way is going through the sexual experience consciously. Making love consciously means there are no masks, there are no hidden agendas. It's not using sex merely as a stress reduction device.
It turns out that for women, sex isn't even about the bedroom. Sex starts in a relationship that's based on sharing. Sex is in everything you do, from going food shopping, to cooking, to doing the laundry. Sex is not taking each other for granted. But when I'm using the term "sex" here, I'm not talking about penis-vaginal entry; I'm talking about sex as the fullness of the experiencing of Being. I read a study that talked about how live-in boyfriends share more of the chores around the house, including ironing, than married men. Once a couple gets married, they fall into traditional gender roles. In those roles, women are doing anywhere from 70 percent to 95 percent of the housework. Margot Anand said that women have to open their hearts before they'll open their legs. Opening the heart means that the woman is treated kindly. The biggest turn-on for me is kindness. When Larry goes shopping or cooks or does laundry, my heart opens. Listening to women was the key to DJ Leon Phelps' desirability in the movie "The Ladies Man."
How does kindness lead to making love consciously? As I said earlier, conscious love is found in an open heart that isn't guarded nor has an agenda. Conscious love is also different from romantic love. In romance, the other is still the soul object of desire. Alas, romantic love that's driven by dopamine in the brain is short-lived. Romantic love lasts only two to four years. To love consciously means that you have to keep opening your heart even after "he don't bring me flowers anymore."
Thomas Moore made a beautiful point in an essay at tangomag.com. Moore comments on a passage from the Kama Sutra: " ... I read the famous Kama Sutra and was surprised to find that it is not all about sexual positions and preparations. It begins by instructing the reader to get two major aspects of life in order: First, find meaning in your existence. What are your personal laws and needs? What are you called to do? What is your dharma? Second, get your home and career on track. Give your life form. Have a philosophy that can guide you, and apply it to your everyday concerns. Only then will you be ready to learn how to make love."
The best lovemaking happens when you're totally focused on your partner right now. Yet with today's stress-filled lifestyles, it's hard to not have intrusive thoughts. Just last week I heard a very typical story about the problem a young couple is facing: She has two jobs, he's in the military and travels a lot. One of their kids has Asperger syndrome, his father is sick, and on and on. And, of course, their sex life is suffering.
When relationships go through this kind of stress, each partner has to take extra care to be kind to the other. Being kind means telling the truth — not out of defensiveness, but out of humanness. At the core of a stressed-out, angry partner is a wounded child. Listen, speak your truth, don't judge what the other is saying and don't be defensive. There are specific communication tools couples can learn. Among them are:
1. Use "I messages"
2. Be specific
3. Take responsibility for co-creating the situation
4. State your needs
5. Listen, listen, listen
And all of the above means that you are following a Tantric path. Why? As I said earlier, Tantra is about being fully alive in the present experience. Unfortunately, most people bring their past anxieties and future worries with them into the bedroom. In the practice of Tantra, when you enter the bedroom, you're free. You're free because you've worked at freeing yourself in all areas of your life by using the means Thomas Moore describes: Handle your life in means that help you transcend your suffering. Transcending suffering is transcending the self. The small self is replaced by the big Self. The result is a sense of freedom and peace in all aspects of your life.
So is sex overrated? Yes, but only when it is the means to a self-serving end. It is not overrated when it's a vehicle to transcendent states of spiritual awareness.
— — —
Dr. Sorah Dubitsky, Ph.D., is an author, speaker, teacher and healer. She conducts workshops and seminars on love, marriage, sexuality and spirituality. She also offers individual and couples counseling. She is also a fellow at Florida International University's Center for the Study of Spirituality. Her book "A Chorus of Wisdom" is available at Amazon.com and all major online and retail book outlets. Visit her website. Send an email to {email dr.sorah@drsorah.com}dr.sorah@drsorah.com{/email}. © Copyright 2008 by Dr. Sorah Dubitsky.
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So much of Western society is hooked on sex. But the "hooked" syndrome doesn't only apply to those who indulge in pursuit of sex. "Hooked" also refers to people who avoid sex at all costs. Indulgence and avoidance are opposite sides of the same spectrum. Sex is still a special object to be indulged in or avoided.
Osho describes the Tantric path as the middle way. The middle way is neither pursuing nor avoiding. The middle way is going through the sexual experience consciously. Making love consciously means there are no masks, there are no hidden agendas. It's not using sex merely as a stress reduction device.
It turns out that for women, sex isn't even about the bedroom. Sex starts in a relationship that's based on sharing. Sex is in everything you do, from going food shopping, to cooking, to doing the laundry. Sex is not taking each other for granted. But when I'm using the term "sex" here, I'm not talking about penis-vaginal entry; I'm talking about sex as the fullness of the experiencing of Being. I read a study that talked about how live-in boyfriends share more of the chores around the house, including ironing, than married men. Once a couple gets married, they fall into traditional gender roles. In those roles, women are doing anywhere from 70 percent to 95 percent of the housework. Margot Anand said that women have to open their hearts before they'll open their legs. Opening the heart means that the woman is treated kindly. The biggest turn-on for me is kindness. When Larry goes shopping or cooks or does laundry, my heart opens. Listening to women was the key to DJ Leon Phelps' desirability in the movie "The Ladies Man."
How does kindness lead to making love consciously? As I said earlier, conscious love is found in an open heart that isn't guarded nor has an agenda. Conscious love is also different from romantic love. In romance, the other is still the soul object of desire. Alas, romantic love that's driven by dopamine in the brain is short-lived. Romantic love lasts only two to four years. To love consciously means that you have to keep opening your heart even after "he don't bring me flowers anymore."
Thomas Moore made a beautiful point in an essay at tangomag.com. Moore comments on a passage from the Kama Sutra: " ... I read the famous Kama Sutra and was surprised to find that it is not all about sexual positions and preparations. It begins by instructing the reader to get two major aspects of life in order: First, find meaning in your existence. What are your personal laws and needs? What are you called to do? What is your dharma? Second, get your home and career on track. Give your life form. Have a philosophy that can guide you, and apply it to your everyday concerns. Only then will you be ready to learn how to make love."
The best lovemaking happens when you're totally focused on your partner right now. Yet with today's stress-filled lifestyles, it's hard to not have intrusive thoughts. Just last week I heard a very typical story about the problem a young couple is facing: She has two jobs, he's in the military and travels a lot. One of their kids has Asperger syndrome, his father is sick, and on and on. And, of course, their sex life is suffering.
When relationships go through this kind of stress, each partner has to take extra care to be kind to the other. Being kind means telling the truth — not out of defensiveness, but out of humanness. At the core of a stressed-out, angry partner is a wounded child. Listen, speak your truth, don't judge what the other is saying and don't be defensive. There are specific communication tools couples can learn. Among them are:
1. Use "I messages"
2. Be specific
3. Take responsibility for co-creating the situation
4. State your needs
5. Listen, listen, listen
And all of the above means that you are following a Tantric path. Why? As I said earlier, Tantra is about being fully alive in the present experience. Unfortunately, most people bring their past anxieties and future worries with them into the bedroom. In the practice of Tantra, when you enter the bedroom, you're free. You're free because you've worked at freeing yourself in all areas of your life by using the means Thomas Moore describes: Handle your life in means that help you transcend your suffering. Transcending suffering is transcending the self. The small self is replaced by the big Self. The result is a sense of freedom and peace in all aspects of your life.
So is sex overrated? Yes, but only when it is the means to a self-serving end. It is not overrated when it's a vehicle to transcendent states of spiritual awareness.
— — —
Dr. Sorah Dubitsky, Ph.D., is an author, speaker, teacher and healer. She conducts workshops and seminars on love, marriage, sexuality and spirituality. She also offers individual and couples counseling. She is also a fellow at Florida International University's Center for the Study of Spirituality. Her book "A Chorus of Wisdom" is available at Amazon.com and all major online and retail book outlets. Visit her website. Send an email to {email dr.sorah@drsorah.com}dr.sorah@drsorah.com{/email}. © Copyright 2008 by Dr. Sorah Dubitsky.
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