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Posted: February 13th, 2008 at 2:13am By: Sorah Dubitsky
This week, The New York Times reported on yet another study that shows that novelty is the key to keeping the spark of marital romance alive. Couples that spent their "date nights" sharing interesting and unusual activities reported increased levels of marital satisfaction. At a biological level, novel events trigger the release of dopamine and norepinephrine in the brain. These neurotransmitters are responsible for the rush of excitement and desire that people feel in new relationships.
While I certainly believe that novelty keeps a relationship interesting, I also know that the attitudes that underlie novelty are more important. In other words, it's not what you do, but why you're doing it or what you put into it that will determine what you will get out of it.
My point is that each partner has to have the attitude that life is an adventure. I think for some couples, life, including their relationship, becomes a chore. All the novelty in the world isn't going to spark your passions, unless you have the energy to feel passion. Stress and worry weigh you down. As my husband always says, "Life is much too important to be taken seriously," a phrase originally attributed to Oscar Wilde. Seeing life as an adventure rather than a chore takes work mentally and emotionally. It's easier to bend to the weight of stress and worry. But as Swami Beyondananda says, " ... the best way to overcome gravity is with levity. We can use the levitational pull to help us rise above whatever is bringing us down."
Does everyone have the capacity to keep recharging his or her batteries and continue to find continuous novelty? Kids do it. Kids live in a constant state of discovery. To me, the key to a happy love life is to keep seeing life like a kid.
My husband does just that. He's constantly discovering new ways to think and teach about watercolor painting. He loves studying the creative processes that other watercolorists have used. He's endlessly poring over art books analyzing each painting's composition. He's always excited. He's also 81 and he's hot!
The appreciation of novelty isn't an "outside in" experience — it's an "inside out" experience. As I said earlier, what you put into an experience is what you'll get out of it. One of the traits that help to keep your spirits high is hardiness. Hardiness, first described by psychologists Suzanna Kobasa and Salvatore Maddi, is made up of three sub-traits: commitment, challenge and control. Commitment means that a person is committed to something larger than herself. It could be a cause, an ideal, a job, a relationship, a spiritual path, etc. Challenge means that hardy people see challenges rather than problems. Challenges are surmountable; problems are not. The "challenge" attitude summons up courage, strength and an "I can do it" spirit. Control means that people who are hardy feel in charge of their ability to control their responses to situations; they know they can't control events, but they know they are responsible for their own reactions.
I have to say that my husband has all three attributes of hardiness. That's what makes it exciting to live with him. On one level, we never do anything new and exciting. We love being home and hanging out. On the other hand, every day is a new and exciting discovery.
The pioneering champion of human potential, the late Leo Buscaglia said, "To be fully functioning, we must be welcoming of the new as we are comfortable with the old, as fearless of the unexpected as we are falsely secure in the planned."
Many couples think that security means keeping things exactly as they are. But life's not like that. The unexpected always happens.
So while I think that the research about novelty and marital satisfaction is useful, it doesn't go far enough. Unless couples find their inner love of novelty, the novelty of having unique experiences together will wear off.
In some of my past essays archived on the ReligionAndSpirituality.com website, I've written about how to keep your sense of adventure alive. Specifically, I've talked about how to stay juicy and how to stay sexy. I've also written about how the brain is the most important sex organ we have.
Keeping the sexual spark alive is easy when you focus on having a sexy brain. A sexy brain is one that says, "Yes!" to life. Leo Buscaglia also said, "Because there's no limit to you, you will always be exciting. You will always have something to share."
Don't wait for your marriage to bring you novelty. Bring your novelty to your marriage. The happiest couples I know are engaged fully and completely in supporting each other's creativity, whatever form it takes.
— — —
Dr. Sorah Dubitsky, Ph.D., is an author, speaker, teacher and healer. She conducts workshops and seminars on love, marriage, sexuality and spirituality. She also offers individual and couples counseling. She is also a fellow at Florida International University's Center for the Study of Spirituality. Her book, "A Chorus of Wisdom" is available at Amazon.com and all major online and retail book outlets. Visit her website. Send an email to {email dr.sorah@drsorah.com}dr.sorah@drsorah.com{/email}. © Copyright 2008 by Dr. Sorah Dubitsky.
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This week, The New York Times reported on yet another study that shows that novelty is the key to keeping the spark of marital romance alive. Couples that spent their "date nights" sharing interesting and unusual activities reported increased levels of marital satisfaction. At a biological level, novel events trigger the release of dopamine and norepinephrine in the brain. These neurotransmitters are responsible for the rush of excitement and desire that people feel in new relationships.
While I certainly believe that novelty keeps a relationship interesting, I also know that the attitudes that underlie novelty are more important. In other words, it's not what you do, but why you're doing it or what you put into it that will determine what you will get out of it.
My point is that each partner has to have the attitude that life is an adventure. I think for some couples, life, including their relationship, becomes a chore. All the novelty in the world isn't going to spark your passions, unless you have the energy to feel passion. Stress and worry weigh you down. As my husband always says, "Life is much too important to be taken seriously," a phrase originally attributed to Oscar Wilde. Seeing life as an adventure rather than a chore takes work mentally and emotionally. It's easier to bend to the weight of stress and worry. But as Swami Beyondananda says, " ... the best way to overcome gravity is with levity. We can use the levitational pull to help us rise above whatever is bringing us down."
Does everyone have the capacity to keep recharging his or her batteries and continue to find continuous novelty? Kids do it. Kids live in a constant state of discovery. To me, the key to a happy love life is to keep seeing life like a kid.
My husband does just that. He's constantly discovering new ways to think and teach about watercolor painting. He loves studying the creative processes that other watercolorists have used. He's endlessly poring over art books analyzing each painting's composition. He's always excited. He's also 81 and he's hot!
The appreciation of novelty isn't an "outside in" experience — it's an "inside out" experience. As I said earlier, what you put into an experience is what you'll get out of it. One of the traits that help to keep your spirits high is hardiness. Hardiness, first described by psychologists Suzanna Kobasa and Salvatore Maddi, is made up of three sub-traits: commitment, challenge and control. Commitment means that a person is committed to something larger than herself. It could be a cause, an ideal, a job, a relationship, a spiritual path, etc. Challenge means that hardy people see challenges rather than problems. Challenges are surmountable; problems are not. The "challenge" attitude summons up courage, strength and an "I can do it" spirit. Control means that people who are hardy feel in charge of their ability to control their responses to situations; they know they can't control events, but they know they are responsible for their own reactions.
I have to say that my husband has all three attributes of hardiness. That's what makes it exciting to live with him. On one level, we never do anything new and exciting. We love being home and hanging out. On the other hand, every day is a new and exciting discovery.
The pioneering champion of human potential, the late Leo Buscaglia said, "To be fully functioning, we must be welcoming of the new as we are comfortable with the old, as fearless of the unexpected as we are falsely secure in the planned."
Many couples think that security means keeping things exactly as they are. But life's not like that. The unexpected always happens.
So while I think that the research about novelty and marital satisfaction is useful, it doesn't go far enough. Unless couples find their inner love of novelty, the novelty of having unique experiences together will wear off.
In some of my past essays archived on the ReligionAndSpirituality.com website, I've written about how to keep your sense of adventure alive. Specifically, I've talked about how to stay juicy and how to stay sexy. I've also written about how the brain is the most important sex organ we have.
Keeping the sexual spark alive is easy when you focus on having a sexy brain. A sexy brain is one that says, "Yes!" to life. Leo Buscaglia also said, "Because there's no limit to you, you will always be exciting. You will always have something to share."
Don't wait for your marriage to bring you novelty. Bring your novelty to your marriage. The happiest couples I know are engaged fully and completely in supporting each other's creativity, whatever form it takes.
— — —
Dr. Sorah Dubitsky, Ph.D., is an author, speaker, teacher and healer. She conducts workshops and seminars on love, marriage, sexuality and spirituality. She also offers individual and couples counseling. She is also a fellow at Florida International University's Center for the Study of Spirituality. Her book, "A Chorus of Wisdom" is available at Amazon.com and all major online and retail book outlets. Visit her website. Send an email to {email dr.sorah@drsorah.com}dr.sorah@drsorah.com{/email}. © Copyright 2008 by Dr. Sorah Dubitsky.
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