Wednesday, February 27, 2008 at 2:02am
Attachment, love and sex
Column: Love, God and Sex
There's a large body of research in psychology about Attachment Theory. Attachment Theory is based on the research of John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth. Ainsworth used lab research to identify three different ways infants behave after they've been separated from their primary caregiver. These three different styles are: secure, anxious-ambivalent and avoidant.
Ainsworth, who died in 1999, began her research during the 1970s. Since then, researchers have extended the Attachment Theory paradigm into adult relationships. The idea is that attachment styles developed in infancy continue into adulthood. These attachment styles affect the kinds of and quality of adult love and sexual relationships.
The following three descriptions identify the three adult relationship attachment styles:
I find it relatively easy to get close to others, and am comfortable depending on them and having them depend on me. I don't often worry about being abandoned, or about someone getting too close to me.
I am somewhat uncomfortable being close to others. I find it difficult to trust them completely, to allow myself to depend on them. I am nervous when someone gets too close, and often love partners want me to be more intimate than I am comfortable being.
I find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I often worry that my partner doesn't really love or won't want to stay with me. I want to merge completely with another person, and this desire sometimes scares people away.
Understanding attachment styles is really useful in creating healthy, happy lifelong love relationships. If the theory is correct, then we're relating to our love interests the same way we related to our primary caregiver. The attachment styles played out in adult relationships would look like the following: People who are anxious are very clingy; they'd be jealous and continually look to their partner to for validation. They are extremely needy. Avoidant people won't commit. These are the people who are emotionally unavailable. People who are securely attached enjoy give and take in their relationship. There's no fear that the partner will leave. These people are able to achieve the most intimacy.
Even when it comes to sex, the three different styles give rise to different motivations for having sex. A 2004 study by Schachner and Shaver 1 demonstrated that anxious attachment styles correlated with having sex in order to reduce anxiety or to create intimacy. People who were avoidant were the least likely to have sex for romantic reasons or to become more intimate with their partner. Other research has shown that people who are "securely attached" are most likely to have sex only within a romantic, committed relationship.
The good news is that according to earlier research,2 twice as many people identify themselves as being securely attached than being anxious or avoidant.
But that still means that anxious and avoidant people would each make up 25 percent of the population.
Spiritually, anxious and avoidant people are missing the ecstasy that a secure relationship can bring. Trusting that your partner is your best friend and only wants the best for you lets you shine.
Jada Pinkett Smith, Will Smith's wife, recently was asked about her beauty secret. Her answer: sex. Great sex is youthing. Great sex opens you up to more and more chi. It's restorative in body, mind and spirit. Jada radiates with the confidence of someone who's comfortable in her own skin.
Can someone change his or her core attachment style? I haven't found any studies yet that talk about the changeability of attachment styles. Personally, I believe they can. I've seen people do it, but it takes a tremendous amount of self-discipline. The payoff, though, is tremendous growth and great sex. Great sex can't happen when you're needy (anxious) or unengaged (avoidant).
A great relationship, along with great sex, is based on interdependency. Neither dependency nor independence creates intimacy. Intimacy reveals both your humanity and your divinity. When you're intimate, you stand naked before your partner in total acceptance of who you are and who he or she is. The wholeness in this kind of union is holy.
If you're interested in learning more about your relationship style, go to www.authentichappiness.com. There's a Relationship Closeness Questionnaire that will assess your relationship style. I think our purpose here is to open our hearts to learn the meaning of love. Learning more about how you relate to people can make your life much more fulfilling ... and, don't forget: you'll have great sex.
References:
1 Schachner, D.A. & Shaver, P.R. (2004). Attachment dimensions and sexual motives. Personal Relationships, 11, 179-195.
2 Fraley, R.C. & Shaver, P.R. (2000). Adult romantic attachment: Theoretical developments, emerging controversies, and unanswered questions.
— — —
Dr. Sorah Dubitsky, Ph.D., is an author, speaker, teacher and healer. She conducts workshops and seminars on love, marriage, sexuality and spirituality. She also offers individual and couples counseling. She is also a fellow at Florida International University's Center for the Study of Spirituality. Her book "A Chorus of Wisdom" is available at Amazon.com and all major online and retail book outlets. Visit her website. Send an email to {email dr.sorah@drsorah.com}dr.sorah@drsorah.com{/email}. © Copyright 2008 by Dr. Sorah Dubitsky.
Ainsworth, who died in 1999, began her research during the 1970s. Since then, researchers have extended the Attachment Theory paradigm into adult relationships. The idea is that attachment styles developed in infancy continue into adulthood. These attachment styles affect the kinds of and quality of adult love and sexual relationships.
The following three descriptions identify the three adult relationship attachment styles:
I find it relatively easy to get close to others, and am comfortable depending on them and having them depend on me. I don't often worry about being abandoned, or about someone getting too close to me.
I am somewhat uncomfortable being close to others. I find it difficult to trust them completely, to allow myself to depend on them. I am nervous when someone gets too close, and often love partners want me to be more intimate than I am comfortable being.
I find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I often worry that my partner doesn't really love or won't want to stay with me. I want to merge completely with another person, and this desire sometimes scares people away.
Understanding attachment styles is really useful in creating healthy, happy lifelong love relationships. If the theory is correct, then we're relating to our love interests the same way we related to our primary caregiver. The attachment styles played out in adult relationships would look like the following: People who are anxious are very clingy; they'd be jealous and continually look to their partner to for validation. They are extremely needy. Avoidant people won't commit. These are the people who are emotionally unavailable. People who are securely attached enjoy give and take in their relationship. There's no fear that the partner will leave. These people are able to achieve the most intimacy.
Even when it comes to sex, the three different styles give rise to different motivations for having sex. A 2004 study by Schachner and Shaver 1 demonstrated that anxious attachment styles correlated with having sex in order to reduce anxiety or to create intimacy. People who were avoidant were the least likely to have sex for romantic reasons or to become more intimate with their partner. Other research has shown that people who are "securely attached" are most likely to have sex only within a romantic, committed relationship.
The good news is that according to earlier research,2 twice as many people identify themselves as being securely attached than being anxious or avoidant.
But that still means that anxious and avoidant people would each make up 25 percent of the population.
Spiritually, anxious and avoidant people are missing the ecstasy that a secure relationship can bring. Trusting that your partner is your best friend and only wants the best for you lets you shine.
Jada Pinkett Smith, Will Smith's wife, recently was asked about her beauty secret. Her answer: sex. Great sex is youthing. Great sex opens you up to more and more chi. It's restorative in body, mind and spirit. Jada radiates with the confidence of someone who's comfortable in her own skin.
Can someone change his or her core attachment style? I haven't found any studies yet that talk about the changeability of attachment styles. Personally, I believe they can. I've seen people do it, but it takes a tremendous amount of self-discipline. The payoff, though, is tremendous growth and great sex. Great sex can't happen when you're needy (anxious) or unengaged (avoidant).
A great relationship, along with great sex, is based on interdependency. Neither dependency nor independence creates intimacy. Intimacy reveals both your humanity and your divinity. When you're intimate, you stand naked before your partner in total acceptance of who you are and who he or she is. The wholeness in this kind of union is holy.
If you're interested in learning more about your relationship style, go to www.authentichappiness.com. There's a Relationship Closeness Questionnaire that will assess your relationship style. I think our purpose here is to open our hearts to learn the meaning of love. Learning more about how you relate to people can make your life much more fulfilling ... and, don't forget: you'll have great sex.
References:
1 Schachner, D.A. & Shaver, P.R. (2004). Attachment dimensions and sexual motives. Personal Relationships, 11, 179-195.
2 Fraley, R.C. & Shaver, P.R. (2000). Adult romantic attachment: Theoretical developments, emerging controversies, and unanswered questions.
— — —
Dr. Sorah Dubitsky, Ph.D., is an author, speaker, teacher and healer. She conducts workshops and seminars on love, marriage, sexuality and spirituality. She also offers individual and couples counseling. She is also a fellow at Florida International University's Center for the Study of Spirituality. Her book "A Chorus of Wisdom" is available at Amazon.com and all major online and retail book outlets. Visit her website. Send an email to {email dr.sorah@drsorah.com}dr.sorah@drsorah.com{/email}. © Copyright 2008 by Dr. Sorah Dubitsky.