Friday, February 29, 2008 at 2:02am
The miraculous conception of Aphrodite
Column: Outing the Goddess Within
Because I'm now 39 weeks pregnant, my friends think it's hilarious to send me every single parenthood joke in their armory. Like this one: To prepare for pregnancy, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there. After nine months remove 5 percent of the beans.
Now come on, if bearing a child were this easy, we'd all be doing it. Sheesh, a bag of beans indeed. Think of a bag of fat, wriggling mice busily lifting bar-bells, and you're getting closer to the mark.
But beans? Well-behaved, sedentary, predictable beans? Beans are easy, unlike my growing list of the whats, whos and whys of parenthood. ...
What
What are they saying about signing over half your salary to the local pharmacist, supermarket and fast food chain? Is that true? Or the bit about waking up before the alarm goes off (the 1 a.m., 3 a.m. and 5 a.m. settings, that is)? What's the deal with giving up the daily gym session with electronic equipment, friendly chatter and mindless television so that you can enjoy weeks and weeks of bi-hourly pacing in the dark with a wet, noisy bag in your arms? Remind me, what are the fringe benefits of this again?
Who
Who puts "I love singing songs in the dark until 4 a.m." in their match.com profiles? Who counts "dressing live octopus in a string bag" as a lifestyle skill? Who strives to home-decorate their car using a garden rake on the outside and an ice-cream on the inside? (Or vice versa, of course?)
Why
Why is there an entire adult market segment that knows each member of the Wiggles, Teletubbies and Hi-5 by name? Why take toddlers grocery shopping when it would be easier to take a hungry goat? And why bother with the messy and painful birth process when you can have what my colleague Sharon Turnbull refers to as "Aphrodite the golden girl" step out of the surf already fully formed — just think of how wonderful it would be to bypass the stages of toddler tantrums and adolescence angst?
Speaking of Aphrodite, I've just been struck with a new list ...
What the?
Now, Mary's immaculate conception has been making news for centuries, and deservedly so. But here's a doozy for ya — did you know that Aphrodite was conceived from a magical blend of Uranus' dismembered genitals and sea-foam? I mean, had this method of conception taken off in popular culture (as Mary's way did), imagine the chaos as clucky women run around chopping their boyfriends' genitals off and throwing them into the ocean? Ouch!
On the plus side, we wouldn't have to read books such as Dr Michael Carr-Gregg's "Princess Bitchface Syndrome" (which is excellent, by the way, for those parents of teenage daughters who are thinking about murder for the first time in their lives).
On the downside, well ... is there one?
Must go — the newspaper has arrived. I sign off, acknowledging that I'm becoming increasingly clingy toward my daily news fix. I know it is only a matter of time before my interest in world events is overtaken by the inner workings of a mucus-machine, so I'm making the most of my relationship with the daily news while it lasts.
And so, in what may well be my last "adult" farewell for a while (or for a few weeks at least), see you in the after birth!
— — —
Anita Revel is the creatrix of "i goddess," the website and mini meditation movie that is substantially more reverent than this column. Anita's columns (of the irreverent kind) are now published in a book by the same name: "Outing the Goddess Within." You can click here to read more of her columns with United Press International. © Copyright 2008 by Anita Revel.
Now come on, if bearing a child were this easy, we'd all be doing it. Sheesh, a bag of beans indeed. Think of a bag of fat, wriggling mice busily lifting bar-bells, and you're getting closer to the mark.
But beans? Well-behaved, sedentary, predictable beans? Beans are easy, unlike my growing list of the whats, whos and whys of parenthood. ...
What
What are they saying about signing over half your salary to the local pharmacist, supermarket and fast food chain? Is that true? Or the bit about waking up before the alarm goes off (the 1 a.m., 3 a.m. and 5 a.m. settings, that is)? What's the deal with giving up the daily gym session with electronic equipment, friendly chatter and mindless television so that you can enjoy weeks and weeks of bi-hourly pacing in the dark with a wet, noisy bag in your arms? Remind me, what are the fringe benefits of this again?
Who
Who puts "I love singing songs in the dark until 4 a.m." in their match.com profiles? Who counts "dressing live octopus in a string bag" as a lifestyle skill? Who strives to home-decorate their car using a garden rake on the outside and an ice-cream on the inside? (Or vice versa, of course?)
Why
Why is there an entire adult market segment that knows each member of the Wiggles, Teletubbies and Hi-5 by name? Why take toddlers grocery shopping when it would be easier to take a hungry goat? And why bother with the messy and painful birth process when you can have what my colleague Sharon Turnbull refers to as "Aphrodite the golden girl" step out of the surf already fully formed — just think of how wonderful it would be to bypass the stages of toddler tantrums and adolescence angst?
Speaking of Aphrodite, I've just been struck with a new list ...
What the?
Now, Mary's immaculate conception has been making news for centuries, and deservedly so. But here's a doozy for ya — did you know that Aphrodite was conceived from a magical blend of Uranus' dismembered genitals and sea-foam? I mean, had this method of conception taken off in popular culture (as Mary's way did), imagine the chaos as clucky women run around chopping their boyfriends' genitals off and throwing them into the ocean? Ouch!
On the plus side, we wouldn't have to read books such as Dr Michael Carr-Gregg's "Princess Bitchface Syndrome" (which is excellent, by the way, for those parents of teenage daughters who are thinking about murder for the first time in their lives).
On the downside, well ... is there one?
Must go — the newspaper has arrived. I sign off, acknowledging that I'm becoming increasingly clingy toward my daily news fix. I know it is only a matter of time before my interest in world events is overtaken by the inner workings of a mucus-machine, so I'm making the most of my relationship with the daily news while it lasts.
And so, in what may well be my last "adult" farewell for a while (or for a few weeks at least), see you in the after birth!
— — —
Anita Revel is the creatrix of "i goddess," the website and mini meditation movie that is substantially more reverent than this column. Anita's columns (of the irreverent kind) are now published in a book by the same name: "Outing the Goddess Within." You can click here to read more of her columns with United Press International. © Copyright 2008 by Anita Revel.