Wednesday, March 5, 2008 at 1:01am
Kindness: The sexiest trait of all
Column: Love, God and Sex
I spent the summer of my 18th birthday working in the office of a sleepaway camp in the Pocono Mountains. At 18, I was just beginning my search for Mr. Right, as girls my age did back then. The summer camp was ripe with eligible, cute young men. One of the cutest was the swimming instructor. He looked like he stepped off the pages of a muscle magazine. Broad shoulders, ripped abs, tight butt, steel thighs, plus he had a handsome face — movie star handsome. He looked like a young Alec Baldwin, only more compelling because of his eyes. They were corn silk blue with penetrating depth. And they were also kind.
I was thrilled when he asked me out. All the young men asked me out. I had seven dates the first seven nights I was there. Steve was my eighth date. I was struck by his looks and his openness. We had a lot of fun. But there was something wrong: He was too nice. I honestly don't even remember how his niceness manifested. Perhaps because he really liked me, perhaps because he was polite — he hadn't tried anything sexual yet. I remember lying in his big, strong arms under an oak beside the camp lake — perfection itself, and thinking, "He's too nice; there's something wrong with him." I stopped seeing him.
The guy I did wind up dating the rest of the summer was what girls today would call "a bad boy." He liked to put me down, he was arrogant, sure of himself, he knew women liked him. In other words, he was an alpha male, and he was MY alpha male. I was in love — or at least, very serious like. He never called when we got back to the City. I even saw him once on the street outside of Brooklyn College. He was with another woman. He ignored me.
Of course, now I think that I was a schmuck. I thought I wanted a powerful male who could be combative and who would fight for me. It turns out that this kind of man was really only interested in himself. He liked women, but they were more like a harem for him. What I really wanted was a mate who would be kind to me.
It turns out that kindness is the best turn-on. Kind men aren't afraid of intimacy. Kind men listen. Kind men allow themselves to love unconditionally.
My first husband was an alpha male. He did have a kind side, but in our relationship he was dominant. He enjoyed male camaraderie. He rose in the corporate world, which takes alpha characteristics. In the end, though, it was his way or the highway. My life with him was definitely about him.
And there was always something missing in our sex lives. My orgasms never seemed to satisfy. Don't get me wrong; I enjoyed sex, but somehow I knew there was something more.
The beta male, according to a recent New York Times article, is gaining in popularity. The Times article describes the beta male as "that gentle, endearingly awkward, self-conscious soul for whom love is a battlefield." The Times also recently reported the results of a study about sex and teenage boys. The boys in the study rated "looking for a relationship" as their No. 1 reason for having sex.
My second husband is the perfect blend of alpha and beta male. He has his alpha side. After all, he is a descendant of Attila the Hun. He gets angry. He can get snippy and very short. He raised four kids, and so his alpha helped him press on. But what turns me on is his beta. He's kind and considerate, which may sound like clichés, but it's what makes sex with him the epitome of ecstasy. He wants to please me, not only sexually, but in every aspect of our relationship.
An article published on cbs.com detailed the results of a study that found that in marriages in which men did more housework, "wives were less likely to have affairs, couples were less likely to consider separation or divorce, and couples were more likely to say they were happily married." These men also have sex more frequently than their "no housework" counterparts.
In her 2007 book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage," Dr. Laura depicts the perfect marriage as one in which the wife never says no to her husband's requests for sex and she never demands that her husband wash dishes. I don't know what century Dr. Laura lives in, but what she's describing is the typical male-dominant, female-subservient paradigm: a beta female to the alpha male relationship.
Times have changed. Dr. Laura completely ignores the realities facing the current generation of married people, especially young married people. Successful marriages require each partner to be more flexible in the roles they're playing. And greater flexibility in roles leads to greater flexibility in bed. Think of all the payoffs that kindness brings: Your house is cleaner, you eat better, your wife is happier, and you have better sex. What could be bad?
— — —
Dr. Sorah Dubitsky, Ph.D., is an author, speaker, teacher and healer. She conducts workshops and seminars on love, marriage, sexuality and spirituality. She also offers individual and couples counseling. She is also a fellow at Florida International University's Center for the Study of Spirituality. Her book, "A Chorus of Wisdom," is available at Amazon.com and all major online and retail book outlets. Visit her website. Send an email to {email dr.sorah@drsorah.com}dr.sorah@drsorah.com{/email}. © Copyright 2008 by Dr. Sorah Dubitsky.
I was thrilled when he asked me out. All the young men asked me out. I had seven dates the first seven nights I was there. Steve was my eighth date. I was struck by his looks and his openness. We had a lot of fun. But there was something wrong: He was too nice. I honestly don't even remember how his niceness manifested. Perhaps because he really liked me, perhaps because he was polite — he hadn't tried anything sexual yet. I remember lying in his big, strong arms under an oak beside the camp lake — perfection itself, and thinking, "He's too nice; there's something wrong with him." I stopped seeing him.
The guy I did wind up dating the rest of the summer was what girls today would call "a bad boy." He liked to put me down, he was arrogant, sure of himself, he knew women liked him. In other words, he was an alpha male, and he was MY alpha male. I was in love — or at least, very serious like. He never called when we got back to the City. I even saw him once on the street outside of Brooklyn College. He was with another woman. He ignored me.
Of course, now I think that I was a schmuck. I thought I wanted a powerful male who could be combative and who would fight for me. It turns out that this kind of man was really only interested in himself. He liked women, but they were more like a harem for him. What I really wanted was a mate who would be kind to me.
It turns out that kindness is the best turn-on. Kind men aren't afraid of intimacy. Kind men listen. Kind men allow themselves to love unconditionally.
My first husband was an alpha male. He did have a kind side, but in our relationship he was dominant. He enjoyed male camaraderie. He rose in the corporate world, which takes alpha characteristics. In the end, though, it was his way or the highway. My life with him was definitely about him.
And there was always something missing in our sex lives. My orgasms never seemed to satisfy. Don't get me wrong; I enjoyed sex, but somehow I knew there was something more.
The beta male, according to a recent New York Times article, is gaining in popularity. The Times article describes the beta male as "that gentle, endearingly awkward, self-conscious soul for whom love is a battlefield." The Times also recently reported the results of a study about sex and teenage boys. The boys in the study rated "looking for a relationship" as their No. 1 reason for having sex.
My second husband is the perfect blend of alpha and beta male. He has his alpha side. After all, he is a descendant of Attila the Hun. He gets angry. He can get snippy and very short. He raised four kids, and so his alpha helped him press on. But what turns me on is his beta. He's kind and considerate, which may sound like clichés, but it's what makes sex with him the epitome of ecstasy. He wants to please me, not only sexually, but in every aspect of our relationship.
An article published on cbs.com detailed the results of a study that found that in marriages in which men did more housework, "wives were less likely to have affairs, couples were less likely to consider separation or divorce, and couples were more likely to say they were happily married." These men also have sex more frequently than their "no housework" counterparts.
In her 2007 book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage," Dr. Laura depicts the perfect marriage as one in which the wife never says no to her husband's requests for sex and she never demands that her husband wash dishes. I don't know what century Dr. Laura lives in, but what she's describing is the typical male-dominant, female-subservient paradigm: a beta female to the alpha male relationship.
Times have changed. Dr. Laura completely ignores the realities facing the current generation of married people, especially young married people. Successful marriages require each partner to be more flexible in the roles they're playing. And greater flexibility in roles leads to greater flexibility in bed. Think of all the payoffs that kindness brings: Your house is cleaner, you eat better, your wife is happier, and you have better sex. What could be bad?
— — —
Dr. Sorah Dubitsky, Ph.D., is an author, speaker, teacher and healer. She conducts workshops and seminars on love, marriage, sexuality and spirituality. She also offers individual and couples counseling. She is also a fellow at Florida International University's Center for the Study of Spirituality. Her book, "A Chorus of Wisdom," is available at Amazon.com and all major online and retail book outlets. Visit her website. Send an email to {email dr.sorah@drsorah.com}dr.sorah@drsorah.com{/email}. © Copyright 2008 by Dr. Sorah Dubitsky.