Wednesday, March 12, 2008 at 1:01am
Sex outside marriage
Column: Love, God and Sex
Eliot Spitzer made the headlines today about being involved with a prostitution ring. One of the tabloids reports that he paid $4,300, an hour, to a petite brunette for her services. At the press conference where Spitzer publicly confessed his sin, his wife dutifully stood at his side. Although grim-faced, she stood there while his dirty laundry list was aired. This morning our local progressive morning talk show hostess asked why wives of cheaters stay with them. Hillary did it; so has Larry Craig's wife. Cindy McCain stood beside John when he was accused of having an affair. I'm not sure I have an answer, but I do know that infidelity by itself does not have to break up a marriage.
What really breaks up a marriage is when one or both partners are unhappy. Research has shown that there is a relationship between happiness and marriage. Some studies say that married people report that they are happier. Other studies say that married people are no happier than unmarried people; that how happy you are is a function of the happiness that you bring into your marriage.
It was interesting to come across a 1938 article published in Time magazine about marriage and happiness. The study found that "satisfactory sexual mating is not the prime requirement for marital happiness." And while I have many problems with the article's antiquated standards for happiness (husband superior to wife, wife must not appear slovenly), I do think it's relevant to why wives stay with husbands who have cheated on them and why some people have a need to cheat.
A happy marriage is more than just about great sex. Great sex gets greater as a function of how happy you grow. But the happiness part has to come (pun intended) before the sex part. Angry, depressed people do not make good partners and definitely do not make good love partners.
Sex is nature's way to get us to reproduce. Margo Anand says that men have to open their penises - second chakra - before opening their hearts - fourth chakra. Women open their hearts before opening their legs. For some men, sex is about power, and that's it. These men can separate their sex lives from their love lives. In fact, for these men, the madonna/whore dichotomy is very active. Their wives are the madonna - the earth mother goddess who bears the children and stokes the home fires. Their mistresses are the whores with whom they can be dominant.
There was an episode of "Friends" years ago in which Joey found out that his father had a mistress. He was incensed. Joey decided that the right thing to do was to tell his mother. His mother's reaction was startling. She already knew. Not only did she already know, but she didn't mind. She said that having a mistress made him nicer. It made him more attentive to her. He bought her large and small tokens of his love: flowers, candy, jewelry and more.
It does seem that in European countries, especially Italy, having a wife and mistress is the norm. Maybe for those men who are second chakra focused (power, domination, control), having a mistress opens a wider channel to their hearts.
Maybe wives who stay with cheating husbands do it because there are other things to love about them. I could be cynical and say these women stay with their husbands for the security. But perhaps these women signed on to be a partner and, in all other respects, they have a great life. Maybe their sex lives are good, too. Perhaps they share fantasies, and it spices up their between-the-sheets time.
The fact that couples stay together in spite of having cheated underscores the 1938 findings that marital happiness does not depend on sexual satisfaction. For some couples, having a lifetime partner and best friend are more important than sex. Sexual satisfaction is fleeting, but love, forgiveness, partnership and purpose are eternal.
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Dr. Sorah Dubitsky, Ph.D., is an author, speaker, teacher and healer. She conducts workshops and seminars on love, marriage, sexuality and spirituality. She also offers individual and couples counseling. She is also a fellow at Florida International University's Center for the Study of Spirituality. Her book "A Chorus of Wisdom" is available at Amazon.com and all major online and retail book outlets. Visit her website. Send an email to {email dr.sorah@drsorah.com}dr.sorah@drsorah.com{/email}. © Copyright 2008 by Dr. Sorah Dubitsky.
What really breaks up a marriage is when one or both partners are unhappy. Research has shown that there is a relationship between happiness and marriage. Some studies say that married people report that they are happier. Other studies say that married people are no happier than unmarried people; that how happy you are is a function of the happiness that you bring into your marriage.
It was interesting to come across a 1938 article published in Time magazine about marriage and happiness. The study found that "satisfactory sexual mating is not the prime requirement for marital happiness." And while I have many problems with the article's antiquated standards for happiness (husband superior to wife, wife must not appear slovenly), I do think it's relevant to why wives stay with husbands who have cheated on them and why some people have a need to cheat.
A happy marriage is more than just about great sex. Great sex gets greater as a function of how happy you grow. But the happiness part has to come (pun intended) before the sex part. Angry, depressed people do not make good partners and definitely do not make good love partners.
Sex is nature's way to get us to reproduce. Margo Anand says that men have to open their penises - second chakra - before opening their hearts - fourth chakra. Women open their hearts before opening their legs. For some men, sex is about power, and that's it. These men can separate their sex lives from their love lives. In fact, for these men, the madonna/whore dichotomy is very active. Their wives are the madonna - the earth mother goddess who bears the children and stokes the home fires. Their mistresses are the whores with whom they can be dominant.
There was an episode of "Friends" years ago in which Joey found out that his father had a mistress. He was incensed. Joey decided that the right thing to do was to tell his mother. His mother's reaction was startling. She already knew. Not only did she already know, but she didn't mind. She said that having a mistress made him nicer. It made him more attentive to her. He bought her large and small tokens of his love: flowers, candy, jewelry and more.
It does seem that in European countries, especially Italy, having a wife and mistress is the norm. Maybe for those men who are second chakra focused (power, domination, control), having a mistress opens a wider channel to their hearts.
Maybe wives who stay with cheating husbands do it because there are other things to love about them. I could be cynical and say these women stay with their husbands for the security. But perhaps these women signed on to be a partner and, in all other respects, they have a great life. Maybe their sex lives are good, too. Perhaps they share fantasies, and it spices up their between-the-sheets time.
The fact that couples stay together in spite of having cheated underscores the 1938 findings that marital happiness does not depend on sexual satisfaction. For some couples, having a lifetime partner and best friend are more important than sex. Sexual satisfaction is fleeting, but love, forgiveness, partnership and purpose are eternal.
— — —
Dr. Sorah Dubitsky, Ph.D., is an author, speaker, teacher and healer. She conducts workshops and seminars on love, marriage, sexuality and spirituality. She also offers individual and couples counseling. She is also a fellow at Florida International University's Center for the Study of Spirituality. Her book "A Chorus of Wisdom" is available at Amazon.com and all major online and retail book outlets. Visit her website. Send an email to {email dr.sorah@drsorah.com}dr.sorah@drsorah.com{/email}. © Copyright 2008 by Dr. Sorah Dubitsky.