Thursday, March 13, 2008 at 2:02am
Moving on
Column: Our Place in the Universe
I believe in resolving differences, in getting painful incidents out of the way, clearing up misunderstandings and moving on. I have learned that the pain of the initial conversation is much less than carrying the burden of a difficult relationship for days or even months. Isn't that the way it happens?
I have also learned that if, after my initial "What you have done or said is causing me pain," I receive a response of "Well, you have hurt me too," then the best course of action is to remain quiet. This gives the other the opportunity to express their own unvoiced hurt and let go of their burden. Often the compassion I find in listening to their pain is impetus enough to let go of my own.
I have also learned that it is not wise to put all your eggs in one basket. Interesting, isn't it, that these old clichés are really at the heart of our culture and values, often revealing more in the pearls of wisdom they contain than the container they are placed within. The container changes according to the culture, but the message is the same.
As my daughter was growing up, I taught her that one best friend is great; having many best friends is wonderful. One friend loves to go to the movies with you; one friend is great to talk to; with one you can study, with another you can dance. I told her to fill her life with friends, since no one, not even her husband-to-be, can be all that she needs at every moment of her life.
These friends will grow and change, as will you, I've told her. Some will move on, and others will require you to move on. That reminds me of an insightful book I read some time back, "Seasons of Friendship" by Marjory Zoet Bankson. So now I've pulled it down from my shelf again to peruse its wisdom and share some words with you.
Bankson says in her Invitation, "Without friends, we lose touch with our humanity. The friends who provide space for our individuality — and companionship for the loneliness created by that individuality — also provide a context for self-identity that is essential to being truly alive."
Friends are like those pearls of wisdom. Depending on who we are at any given moment, friends provide a context or environment for our own self-discovery and growth. We see ourselves reflected in them, and through these connections of heart we can heal hurts of the past and present as well as open ourselves to the exciting opportunities for future growth. The container, or friend, can change according to our own seasons of the heart.
In the spring season of friendship we find ourselves looking for new life, hope and possibilities, as all things look fresh and bright around us. The kind of friends we gather close to us will reflect those qualities, nurturing us as we grow into a new role. Since my daughter is about to get married, I see her joining a young wives' club. She, who has never really been interested in cooking, is actually baking something to bring to the meeting every month! Is this preparation for her life to come?
I, on the other hand, seem to be in the middle of the friendship season of summer. Coming into my own as an empty-nester, my husband has his choir and Norwegian activities, and I have decided to continue with my schooling, following an inspiration that at this point has a firm foundation, but is not yet ripe for harvest. The friends I am close to during this time are scattered around the country, but lend encouragement with emails and phone calls.
As you may imagine, an autumn season friendship relates to community and a gathering in, solidifying one's position and values, getting ready to pass on an inheritance to the next generation or even just to the friend who has become part of our heart. During this time we recognize our gifts and offer them freely, appreciating the contributions of others as unique yet complementary to our own.
Bankson writes that the transition from autumn to winter usually comes with a crisis. Winter is a time of solitude and looking inward, sometimes precipitated by death or just a need to be still and to know one's Self or face a new reality. Ending one path and beginning another can teach us when not to act, or to stand still and just be. Often at this point, a friend will come along with the courage and support that allows us to move on to new spring.
— — —
Anne E. Ulvestad is a free-lance writer residing in Maryland. Having gotten her MA in earth literacy, she is now embarking on the further adventures of a Ph.D. in Wisdom Studies. She is available for public lectures and group presentations and rituals on Spirituality and the Environment. Anne can be reached at {email anne@ourplaceintheuniverse.com}anne@ourplaceintheuniverse.com{/email}. © Copyright 2008 by Anne E. Ulvestad.
I have also learned that if, after my initial "What you have done or said is causing me pain," I receive a response of "Well, you have hurt me too," then the best course of action is to remain quiet. This gives the other the opportunity to express their own unvoiced hurt and let go of their burden. Often the compassion I find in listening to their pain is impetus enough to let go of my own.
I have also learned that it is not wise to put all your eggs in one basket. Interesting, isn't it, that these old clichés are really at the heart of our culture and values, often revealing more in the pearls of wisdom they contain than the container they are placed within. The container changes according to the culture, but the message is the same.
As my daughter was growing up, I taught her that one best friend is great; having many best friends is wonderful. One friend loves to go to the movies with you; one friend is great to talk to; with one you can study, with another you can dance. I told her to fill her life with friends, since no one, not even her husband-to-be, can be all that she needs at every moment of her life.
These friends will grow and change, as will you, I've told her. Some will move on, and others will require you to move on. That reminds me of an insightful book I read some time back, "Seasons of Friendship" by Marjory Zoet Bankson. So now I've pulled it down from my shelf again to peruse its wisdom and share some words with you.
Bankson says in her Invitation, "Without friends, we lose touch with our humanity. The friends who provide space for our individuality — and companionship for the loneliness created by that individuality — also provide a context for self-identity that is essential to being truly alive."
Friends are like those pearls of wisdom. Depending on who we are at any given moment, friends provide a context or environment for our own self-discovery and growth. We see ourselves reflected in them, and through these connections of heart we can heal hurts of the past and present as well as open ourselves to the exciting opportunities for future growth. The container, or friend, can change according to our own seasons of the heart.
In the spring season of friendship we find ourselves looking for new life, hope and possibilities, as all things look fresh and bright around us. The kind of friends we gather close to us will reflect those qualities, nurturing us as we grow into a new role. Since my daughter is about to get married, I see her joining a young wives' club. She, who has never really been interested in cooking, is actually baking something to bring to the meeting every month! Is this preparation for her life to come?
I, on the other hand, seem to be in the middle of the friendship season of summer. Coming into my own as an empty-nester, my husband has his choir and Norwegian activities, and I have decided to continue with my schooling, following an inspiration that at this point has a firm foundation, but is not yet ripe for harvest. The friends I am close to during this time are scattered around the country, but lend encouragement with emails and phone calls.
As you may imagine, an autumn season friendship relates to community and a gathering in, solidifying one's position and values, getting ready to pass on an inheritance to the next generation or even just to the friend who has become part of our heart. During this time we recognize our gifts and offer them freely, appreciating the contributions of others as unique yet complementary to our own.
Bankson writes that the transition from autumn to winter usually comes with a crisis. Winter is a time of solitude and looking inward, sometimes precipitated by death or just a need to be still and to know one's Self or face a new reality. Ending one path and beginning another can teach us when not to act, or to stand still and just be. Often at this point, a friend will come along with the courage and support that allows us to move on to new spring.
— — —
Anne E. Ulvestad is a free-lance writer residing in Maryland. Having gotten her MA in earth literacy, she is now embarking on the further adventures of a Ph.D. in Wisdom Studies. She is available for public lectures and group presentations and rituals on Spirituality and the Environment. Anne can be reached at {email anne@ourplaceintheuniverse.com}anne@ourplaceintheuniverse.com{/email}. © Copyright 2008 by Anne E. Ulvestad.