Tearing open the envelope, Kelly knew what was inside. As she read the words "present whereabouts unknown," this single mom of three girls started to cry. How could he skip town again? I wonder what his excuse was this time? Kelly rubbed her eyes and forehead wearily. Where am I going to get the money this month for all my bills, she lamented. Is this the way it's going to be for the rest of my life?

A few months of paying child support and then taking off again? Better that he never paid than to get me used to the additional money and then running. Frustration soon turned to anger, and Kelly was on the phone with a good friend, pouring out all her bitterness against her ex-husband, Ted. After an hour of complaining and making threats of violence against Ted should she ever meet him again, Kelly felt spent. She hung up the telephone, rubbed her pounding temples and lay down on the couch for a few minutes to pull her thoughts together.

This should come as no surprise to me, since it's the third time in four years that Ted's run off. But I was hoping I'd never have to accept any government help again. It's embarrassing. I'm working as hard as I can, but it's not enough. I'm so angry, I could kill Ted right now. I'd even welcome a police officer telling me he'd been found dead.

God, this is tearing me up inside. I don't know where to turn or what to do. Please help me, Kelly cried pitifully. Even when Ted's gone, he's still controlling my life. I can't get rid of him, no matter how far away he runs. It sickens me that the one person who has destroyed my life is still hovering over everything and casting shadows even now.

"For Thou, Lord, art good, and ready to forgive,

And abundant in lovingkindness to all who call upon Thee.

Give ear, O Lord, to my prayer;

And give heed to the voice of my supplication!

In the day of my trouble I shall call upon Thee,

For Thou wilt answer me."

Psalm 86:5-7

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Dear Lord,

You alone know the depth of my feelings right now. You are the only one who sees my heart's pain and understands the agony I'm in. At this moment, Lord, I'm so angry, I feel I could take a life! Does this surprise you? No, I know better than that. Still, I am grieving your heart. You want me to move ahead and forgive what's been done to me.

But how? Every day it's another offense or, worse yet, another reminder of what he's done to our family. When I see my kids struggling because their dad walked out, I'm furious. When I have to say no at the grocery store, I'm livid. All because I know it was a selfish choice for him to walk out that door and leave us alone. But you've promised to never leave us. Right now your hand is extended and ready to lift me up. Oh, Lord, I don't just need to be lifted, I need to be carried.

Can you help me change the way I think and feel? Will you remake my heart and mind? I realize I can't step forward into a new life until you've done a work inside of me. I understand that I have no choice but to forgive. Yet I'm fully aware that I can't do it in my strength. I am so weak. I am so miserably mired in my own pain and resentment. Please, Father, flood me with your grace and power to forgive. Transform me from the inside out. I cannot face another day with the burden of hate I'm carrying. Take my load from me and cast it away. Lord, you alone are my only hope. I am counting on your goodness and strength today.

Amen.

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"In time, this renewed mind takes hold, and the eternal perspective becomes a reality in us. God's presence seems nearer; heaven presses close. Gradually, our practice of forgiving becomes second nature — or, rather, 'new nature' in us."

— Grace Ketterman and David Hazard in "When You Can't Say I Forgive You"

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Michele Howe also writes a women's lifestyle column, "Embracing Life's Curves," which is offered through the Syndicated Writers of America. Visit the BuyStory website to see additional commentary. Her email address is {email jhowe@toast.net}jhowe@toast.net{/email}. © Copyright 2008 by Michele Howe.