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Posted: March 26th, 2008 at 1:45am By: Sorah Dubitsky
While standing at the supermarket checkout counter to pay for my organic cereal, I couldn't help but notice the huge headline on the current issue of Glamour magazine. The headline read, "Men's New Sexual Needs" and underneath was the subhead "What guys really want in bed (but are afraid to ask)!" The article featured interviews with several young men who aired their concerns about performance in the bedroom. Their concerns ranged from wanting to give their partner an orgasm every time, to making sure she was clean "south of the Mason-Dixon" line. They wanted their partner to "pay as much attention to them as they do to their laptops." The also wanted their partner to be adventurous and try anything "at least once." They wanted discretion from their partner; to not run off and tell their friends everything that happened. They also didn't want to know about past sexual partners. The men in the article spoke about wanting "positive feedback" — they want to be told that they have nice bodies. And the last thing they want is plain old ordinary sex. As the article describes it, "getting your freak on" has become commonplace. But "xtreme" sex is hard to maintain as a steady diet. According to "Mike," one of the men interviewed, porn-style sex is great, but he also likes the "non-porn parts of a relationship." Mike likes to cuddle and hold hands.
This week I connected to two old friends. One is a young man (how the definition of young changes when you're about to turn 60) in his late 30s/early 40s. He is a spiritual seeker who 10 years ago came to our "Course in Miracles" retreats. He'd been reading my weekly columns for a while now. He commented that he liked them. They were new. He didn't know anyone who was writing about sexuality and spirituality. It was so refreshing to hear from a man who Got It! My husband, Larry, gets it and Jerry, my friend Connie's husband, gets it! What is it they get? They get that the quality of the relationship is more important than the quality of the sex. And as the quality of the relationship gets better, the quality of the sex gets better.
The second friend I connected with is a woman who's closer to my age. She's someone I admire very much. She lost her daughter to leukemia when she was 11. Her daughter's loss spurred a heart opening. Lisa founded an organization in her daughter's name that raises money for children with cancer and their families. Lisa is a spiritual soul. She honestly worked through her grief and lives a loving life. She and I go to the same gym. She's also been reading my columns for a while. I told her that my book proposal, based on the columns, was complete and that it was going out to my agent. She congratulated me and said she liked my columns. She smiled widely when she said that she was very happily married. Then she confessed that although everything was great, she and her husband were usually too tired for sex. On the one hand, she said that it didn't matter to her because they are so close in every other way. "He loves me very much," she said. Then she added that she knew that she had to make sex a priority. I told her to make it fun - go dancing! Then I asked if she remembered the Bump? I also added, be grateful that you're in a relationship that is so good that sex isn't a big deal. She knew what I meant.
Which brings me back to the Glamour article: Sex is only a small portion of a fabulous relationship. I'll admit, it's more important in the beginning. It's the magnet that pulls people in. In the end, partnership is more important than gamesmanship. Gamesmanship sex is the kind of sex the men of Glamour described. In gamesmanship sex you're worried about performance. In partnership sex you relax into Being.
What's interesting, too, about the men's lists of wants and needs is that anyone could have expressed the same needs. Who wouldn't want to be told that their body looks good? Who doesn't crave cuddling and hand holding? Who doesn't want to be the center of attention?
I repeat: Partnership is more important than gamesmanship. Partnerships are of the heart. People aren't starved for more sex; people are starved for more love.
And the way to improve your relationship quality is to see your spouse as the Beloved. The I AM THAT I AM that is the Universal Oneness. See your spouse as a precious angel, even if he or she is an SOB at times. That doesn't mean suffer abuse; martyrdom is not holy. Allow yourself to spend time in your heart chakra loving and forgiving. In all honesty, the heart is much sexier than the loins! The Bhakti (one whose heart leads the path) has so much more energy available to her or him, and more energy means more creativity, and more creativity means more zest and vitality.
Amen
YAY God!
— — —
Dr. Sorah Dubitsky, Ph.D., is an author, speaker, teacher and healer. She conducts workshops and seminars on love, marriage, sexuality and spirituality. She also offers individual and couples counseling. She is also a fellow at Florida International University's Center for the Study of Spirituality. Her book, "A Chorus of Wisdom," is available at Amazon.com and all major online and retail book outlets. Visit her website. Send an email to {email dr.sorah@drsorah.com}dr.sorah@drsorah.com{/email}. © Copyright 2008 by Dr. Sorah Dubitsky.
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While standing at the supermarket checkout counter to pay for my organic cereal, I couldn't help but notice the huge headline on the current issue of Glamour magazine. The headline read, "Men's New Sexual Needs" and underneath was the subhead "What guys really want in bed (but are afraid to ask)!" The article featured interviews with several young men who aired their concerns about performance in the bedroom. Their concerns ranged from wanting to give their partner an orgasm every time, to making sure she was clean "south of the Mason-Dixon" line. They wanted their partner to "pay as much attention to them as they do to their laptops." The also wanted their partner to be adventurous and try anything "at least once." They wanted discretion from their partner; to not run off and tell their friends everything that happened. They also didn't want to know about past sexual partners. The men in the article spoke about wanting "positive feedback" — they want to be told that they have nice bodies. And the last thing they want is plain old ordinary sex. As the article describes it, "getting your freak on" has become commonplace. But "xtreme" sex is hard to maintain as a steady diet. According to "Mike," one of the men interviewed, porn-style sex is great, but he also likes the "non-porn parts of a relationship." Mike likes to cuddle and hold hands.
This week I connected to two old friends. One is a young man (how the definition of young changes when you're about to turn 60) in his late 30s/early 40s. He is a spiritual seeker who 10 years ago came to our "Course in Miracles" retreats. He'd been reading my weekly columns for a while now. He commented that he liked them. They were new. He didn't know anyone who was writing about sexuality and spirituality. It was so refreshing to hear from a man who Got It! My husband, Larry, gets it and Jerry, my friend Connie's husband, gets it! What is it they get? They get that the quality of the relationship is more important than the quality of the sex. And as the quality of the relationship gets better, the quality of the sex gets better.
The second friend I connected with is a woman who's closer to my age. She's someone I admire very much. She lost her daughter to leukemia when she was 11. Her daughter's loss spurred a heart opening. Lisa founded an organization in her daughter's name that raises money for children with cancer and their families. Lisa is a spiritual soul. She honestly worked through her grief and lives a loving life. She and I go to the same gym. She's also been reading my columns for a while. I told her that my book proposal, based on the columns, was complete and that it was going out to my agent. She congratulated me and said she liked my columns. She smiled widely when she said that she was very happily married. Then she confessed that although everything was great, she and her husband were usually too tired for sex. On the one hand, she said that it didn't matter to her because they are so close in every other way. "He loves me very much," she said. Then she added that she knew that she had to make sex a priority. I told her to make it fun - go dancing! Then I asked if she remembered the Bump? I also added, be grateful that you're in a relationship that is so good that sex isn't a big deal. She knew what I meant.
Which brings me back to the Glamour article: Sex is only a small portion of a fabulous relationship. I'll admit, it's more important in the beginning. It's the magnet that pulls people in. In the end, partnership is more important than gamesmanship. Gamesmanship sex is the kind of sex the men of Glamour described. In gamesmanship sex you're worried about performance. In partnership sex you relax into Being.
What's interesting, too, about the men's lists of wants and needs is that anyone could have expressed the same needs. Who wouldn't want to be told that their body looks good? Who doesn't crave cuddling and hand holding? Who doesn't want to be the center of attention?
I repeat: Partnership is more important than gamesmanship. Partnerships are of the heart. People aren't starved for more sex; people are starved for more love.
And the way to improve your relationship quality is to see your spouse as the Beloved. The I AM THAT I AM that is the Universal Oneness. See your spouse as a precious angel, even if he or she is an SOB at times. That doesn't mean suffer abuse; martyrdom is not holy. Allow yourself to spend time in your heart chakra loving and forgiving. In all honesty, the heart is much sexier than the loins! The Bhakti (one whose heart leads the path) has so much more energy available to her or him, and more energy means more creativity, and more creativity means more zest and vitality.
Amen
YAY God!
— — —
Dr. Sorah Dubitsky, Ph.D., is an author, speaker, teacher and healer. She conducts workshops and seminars on love, marriage, sexuality and spirituality. She also offers individual and couples counseling. She is also a fellow at Florida International University's Center for the Study of Spirituality. Her book, "A Chorus of Wisdom," is available at Amazon.com and all major online and retail book outlets. Visit her website. Send an email to {email dr.sorah@drsorah.com}dr.sorah@drsorah.com{/email}. © Copyright 2008 by Dr. Sorah Dubitsky.
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