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Posted: April 2nd, 2008 at 12:52am By: Sorah Dubitsky
The other morning while emptying the dishwasher, I heard a radio commercial for a "male enhancer." Of course, the product promised endless erections. The announcer's last comment was something about how great his performance in the bedroom has become. When he said the word "performance," I laughed out loud. I pictured him swinging above the bed on a trapeze, then flying through the air and landing on his partner with his penis perfectly positioned to penetrate her vagina. Then I saw an audience leaping to their feet, cheering and clapping in a standing ovation.
Since when has bedroom activity become about performing? I think one of the problems with married sex is that sex is now considered "performing." What is a performance? A performance is fake. Performers are actors. Even the most emotionally sincere Academy Award-winning performers are still performers. A performance, by definition, is temporary. When a performer is finished performing, he or she switches from playing a character to being whoever he or she is in "real life."
Viewing sex as a "performance" doesn't allow for real intimacy. In a way, the ubiquitousness of "male enhancers" sets up a vicious cycle. The message being broadcast is that you're not a real man unless you can perform like a stud, but that sets up an expectation for the next time you have sex that your performance will be even better. Don't get me wrong: Hot stud sex can be heart pumping, sweat pouring, bed pounding, and "Oh God" screaming. If hot stud sex opens both partners to their sensuality, that's wonderful. If hot stud sex opens both partners' hearts to higher levels of love, that's super. But my concern is that men and women get hung up on performance. And if one or either partner's performance doesn't merit applause, then they think there must be something wrong with the relationship.
I remember, years ago, my father saying that the only purpose for sex was procreation. As a newly engaged, newly sexually initiated young woman, I thought he was nuts. Since, at the time, I did not want to have kids, it made no sense to me that the only purpose of sex was procreation. Sex was for fun. Sex was for intimacy and closeness. Sex was an expression of love. Now, as an older woman who has studied sex and sexuality, I agree with my father. We are biologically programmed to reproduce. There was a news report this week about the discovery of Funisia dorothea, the oldest organism on the planet to reproduce sexually. Funisia dorothea was a 12-inch long "rope-like" creature that lived in the sea 570 million years ago. It is thought that these creatures reproduced the same way that some coral reproduces: They would release eggs and sperm into the sea and the eggs and sperm would join and form larvae. Scientists speculate, half jokingly about whether the creatures would wrap around each other and whether they enjoyed sex. But since these creatures are extinct, we will never know.
Iyanla Vanzant once said, "You come from love." People, unlike Funisia dorothea, can take the biological urge to merge and choose to procreate or not. They can also choose to use sex to experience the highest states of orgasmic bliss possible. People can enter a state of egolessness, a disillusion of the boundaries of the self that is an experience of God.
Sex is an act of creation. Whether you actually procreate or not, you are still creating. You can create sacredness, love, peace, joy, satisfaction, intimacy and empowerment. Or you can create emptiness, a hunger that leaves you wondering, "Is that all there is?"
Purpose is more important than performance. Sacred sex does not occur as a function of "performance." Sacred sex occurs when your purpose isn't to impress your partner with your prowess, but to know your partner as the Beloved - an aspect of the Divine Consciousness that infuses the entire universe. When your purpose is to experience the Sacred, then God and all the angels in heaven will applaud your performance.
— — —
Dr. Sorah Dubitsky, Ph.D., is an author, speaker, teacher and healer. She conducts workshops and seminars on love, marriage, sexuality and spirituality. She also offers individual and couples counseling. She is also a fellow at Florida International University's Center for the Study of Spirituality. Her book, "A Chorus of Wisdom" is available at Amazon.com and all major online and retail book outlets. Visit her website. Send an email to {email dr.sorah@drsorah.com}dr.sorah@drsorah.com{/email}. © Copyright 2008 by Dr. Sorah Dubitsky.
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The other morning while emptying the dishwasher, I heard a radio commercial for a "male enhancer." Of course, the product promised endless erections. The announcer's last comment was something about how great his performance in the bedroom has become. When he said the word "performance," I laughed out loud. I pictured him swinging above the bed on a trapeze, then flying through the air and landing on his partner with his penis perfectly positioned to penetrate her vagina. Then I saw an audience leaping to their feet, cheering and clapping in a standing ovation.
Since when has bedroom activity become about performing? I think one of the problems with married sex is that sex is now considered "performing." What is a performance? A performance is fake. Performers are actors. Even the most emotionally sincere Academy Award-winning performers are still performers. A performance, by definition, is temporary. When a performer is finished performing, he or she switches from playing a character to being whoever he or she is in "real life."
Viewing sex as a "performance" doesn't allow for real intimacy. In a way, the ubiquitousness of "male enhancers" sets up a vicious cycle. The message being broadcast is that you're not a real man unless you can perform like a stud, but that sets up an expectation for the next time you have sex that your performance will be even better. Don't get me wrong: Hot stud sex can be heart pumping, sweat pouring, bed pounding, and "Oh God" screaming. If hot stud sex opens both partners to their sensuality, that's wonderful. If hot stud sex opens both partners' hearts to higher levels of love, that's super. But my concern is that men and women get hung up on performance. And if one or either partner's performance doesn't merit applause, then they think there must be something wrong with the relationship.
I remember, years ago, my father saying that the only purpose for sex was procreation. As a newly engaged, newly sexually initiated young woman, I thought he was nuts. Since, at the time, I did not want to have kids, it made no sense to me that the only purpose of sex was procreation. Sex was for fun. Sex was for intimacy and closeness. Sex was an expression of love. Now, as an older woman who has studied sex and sexuality, I agree with my father. We are biologically programmed to reproduce. There was a news report this week about the discovery of Funisia dorothea, the oldest organism on the planet to reproduce sexually. Funisia dorothea was a 12-inch long "rope-like" creature that lived in the sea 570 million years ago. It is thought that these creatures reproduced the same way that some coral reproduces: They would release eggs and sperm into the sea and the eggs and sperm would join and form larvae. Scientists speculate, half jokingly about whether the creatures would wrap around each other and whether they enjoyed sex. But since these creatures are extinct, we will never know.
Iyanla Vanzant once said, "You come from love." People, unlike Funisia dorothea, can take the biological urge to merge and choose to procreate or not. They can also choose to use sex to experience the highest states of orgasmic bliss possible. People can enter a state of egolessness, a disillusion of the boundaries of the self that is an experience of God.
Sex is an act of creation. Whether you actually procreate or not, you are still creating. You can create sacredness, love, peace, joy, satisfaction, intimacy and empowerment. Or you can create emptiness, a hunger that leaves you wondering, "Is that all there is?"
Purpose is more important than performance. Sacred sex does not occur as a function of "performance." Sacred sex occurs when your purpose isn't to impress your partner with your prowess, but to know your partner as the Beloved - an aspect of the Divine Consciousness that infuses the entire universe. When your purpose is to experience the Sacred, then God and all the angels in heaven will applaud your performance.
— — —
Dr. Sorah Dubitsky, Ph.D., is an author, speaker, teacher and healer. She conducts workshops and seminars on love, marriage, sexuality and spirituality. She also offers individual and couples counseling. She is also a fellow at Florida International University's Center for the Study of Spirituality. Her book, "A Chorus of Wisdom" is available at Amazon.com and all major online and retail book outlets. Visit her website. Send an email to {email dr.sorah@drsorah.com}dr.sorah@drsorah.com{/email}. © Copyright 2008 by Dr. Sorah Dubitsky.
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