This week I was talking to my sister about my proposal for a book based on the Married Sex columns I’ve been writing. I had sent my sister a copy. She had two comments: The first was that some of the concepts, like the chakra system, are esoteric and my audience would be limited to “new-age-types.” Her other comment was that marriage is becoming passé; more and more people are choosing not to get married. She reminded me about the story of the pregnant man whose story made the headlines and landed him on Oprah. My sister commented that even Oprah said that we have to start accepting different kinds of relationships.

So even though the book I plan to write, tentatively titled “Sex Secrets of the Marriage Bed” (thanks to one of my students), is geared toward couples who are married, want to stay married, or who want to get married, the subtitle is more descriptive of the content: “A sensual, spiritual manual for life-long love and sexual satisfaction.” The operative words in the subtitle are “life-long love.” Why? Because as rampant as sexual advice is, there’s even a ( Fox News website for sexual advice) and blogs and web sites flaunt alternative relationships styles, there’s little mention of love.

On the first night of my human sexuality class, I asked my students why they were taking the class. The students smiled and giggled knowingly. I realized it was a stupid question. It’s sex! Who isn’t interested in sex?

Eckhart Tolle’s new book, “A New Earth” that’s transforming lives speaks about the transformation of human consciousness that we’re witnessing. Tolle writes about how violence is a by-product of egotistic thinking. The ego, as Tolle defines it, is the continuous stream of mind chatter running through one’s thoughts. The ego is a false self. It is defined by complete identification with and immersion in life’s daily drama as interpreted by one’s mind chatter. Tolle describes how humanity, as witnessed to by the 11 million people who have downloaded or streamed the online classes that Oprah’s been holding on her website, is changing it’s consciousness. As humanity moves from egoic – I separate from you – to unitive thinking – I and you are one, the scriptural injunction of “do unto others” will become increasingly manifest on earth.

Tolle’s book doesn’t talk about the expression of sexuality that will, and are, taking place as human consciousness awakens. I think there is a shift that’s taking place and the shift has to do with recognizing that sex and love are not the same thing.

Sex and love can be related, but often they’re not. Often sex is used as a substitute for love, as if being filled by a physical presence can fill the heart. “A Course in Miracles” talks about how the only joining that can take place is at the level of mind. The level of mind is where union takes place. As much as people try to join physically, there’s always going to be a gap. It’s like the synapses in the nervous system: two nerve cells can never join. There’s always going to be a microscopic gap between them. Communication between nerve cells takes place biochemically. Neurotransmitters float across the synaptic gap to continue or discontinue a nerve impulse. The same thing happens in sex, but in sex, a more subtle level of communication takes place. It’s called intentional energy. At the physical level couples can writhe around, scream, claw, pump, bump and grind. But the intentional energy guiding their physical activities will determine the quality of their coupling.

So with all the freedom people feel to explore sex in any way they want; with all the emphasis on performance quality, with all the instruction manuals for achieving the “Big O,” inevitably, I believe that as human consciousness shifts, people will discover that sex without love is meaningless.

The only real joining between two souls takes place in mind. Bodies can’t join. Union, which is an experience of perfect Oneness which is God, only occurs with a conscious intent to Love.

The question to ask yourself whenever you want to have sex is why? Do you want to express the consciousness of Divinity that is your real identity? Is your heart open? Is your desire to bless and heal? Do you want your partner to be the better for having been with you? Do you want to know your partner as an equal expression of God?

If any of your answers to your above questions is no, then don’t have sex. Sex with open-hearted love is exalting. Sex without open-hearted love is debasing. The choice is yours.


Dr. Sorah Dubitsky, Ph.D., is an author, speaker, teacher and healer. She conducts workshops and seminars on love, marriage, sexuality and spirituality. She also offers individual and couples counseling. She is also a fellow at Florida International University’s Center for the Study of Spirituality. Her book, A Chorus of Wisdom is available at Amazon.com and all major online and retail book outlets. Visit her website. Send an email to {email dr.sorah@drsorah.com}dr.sorah@drsorah.com{/email}. © copyright 2007 by Dr. Sorah Dubitsky