Lately I’ve been asking myself what is the core motivation for sex seeking behavior. What is the hunger that men and women seek to satiate in each other’s arms?

I knew I’d heard some commercials lately that asked the question “What are you hungry for?” A YouTube search turned up a commercial for Hotpockets that answered the question perfectly. A teenage boy and girl are awkwardly sitting on a sofa. The boy slides closer and closer to the girl. He puts his arms around her and they start making out. Suddenly a wispy bearded, grey-haired oriental man pops up from behind the sofa and says, “You not hungry for girl! You hungry for Hotpockets,” while pointing to the Hotpockets box in his hand. In another variation of the theme, a young man is sensually shaping wet clay on a potter’s wheel. The scene widens and you see the same oriental man spinning a statue of a semi-clad woman on another potter’s while. The oriental man turns to the young man and repeats the refrain “You not hungry for a woman, you hungry for Hotpockets!”

I originally started thinking about the underlying hunger that drives sexual appetites while watching an episode of CSI NY. Two of the characters, Danny and Lindsay, who are also co-workers, became romantically involved. Danny, however, became emotionally remote when he blamed himself for his neighbor’s son’s death. In one crucial scene, Danny phones Lindsay to say he’ll be late for work. Lindsay complains about Danny’s remoteness. He says it’s nothing. She affirms that she’s “there” for him. When Danny hangs up, he goes back to cracking eggs into a bowl for an omelet. He looks up as his neighbor enters the room half dressed. He walks over to her and kisses her. She asks him, “What are we doing?” He answers, “We’re making each other feel good.”

To say that sex makes you feel good is the same thing as saying that sex satisfies a hunger.

In many ways the hunger and sex urges are found in the same area of the brain. The “Four Fs,” as their famously framed, are feeding, fighting, fleeing, and making love (a line that always makes my students laugh). All four of these behaviors are tied to the limbic system which is the part of the brain that helps regulate homeostasis. These systems are in place to guarantee survival; they’re programmed into the survival DNA of the species. They operate largely unconsciously so that it appears that they operate independently. In other words, our unconscious drives drive us. It’s like the car that’s driving itself without a driver. Sometimes people forget that they’re driving the car. People still need to eat, to be able to protect themselves if in danger (running or fighting), and reproduce their DNA, People also have the brain capacity to override these basic human drives. Their higher functioning can impose reasoning. Reasoning allows for the observation of the consequences of actions. Reasoning makes you pay attention. You may need to eat, but eating a whole box of donuts will make you sick.

Along with the protective/defensive survival instincts describe above, evolutionary psychologists propose that there’s another survival instinct: it’s the instinct toward cooperation. Psychologist Barbara Frederickson calls it the broaden and build instinct. The premise is that the odds of a species surviving long enough to reproduce are increased through cooperation.

Which brings me back to Danny and Lindsay and what we are really hungry for: What we are really hunger for is the fullness of Being. The fullness of Being translates to knowing we are loved, protected, and cared for. It’s knowing that their will always be sustenance for us to receive. That’s the opportunity a relationship offers.

To me, the purpose of a relationship is to feed each other physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. So when Danny says to his neighbor that we’re making each other feel good, what he’s really saying is that temporarily we’re feeding each other’s soul. We’re nursing each other’s hurt. It’s not the sex that’s healing the wounds; it’s the intent behind the sex.

It’s no accident that food and sex are related. One temporarily fills you from the top down and the other temporarily fills you from the bottom up. The operative word there is temporarily. The physically satiating effects of food and sex are not long lived. But when both are undertaken with loving intent, their nourishing effects are timeless.

Dr. Sorah Dubitsky, Ph.D., is an author, speaker, teacher and healer. She conducts workshops and seminars on love, marriage, sexuality and spirituality. She also offers individual and couples counseling. She is also a fellow at Florida International University’s Center for the Study of Spirituality. Her book, A Chorus of Wisdom is available at Amazon.com and all major online and retail book outlets. Visit her website. Send an email to {email dr.sorah@drsorah.com}dr.sorah@drsorah.com{/email}. © copyright 2008 by Dr. Sorah Dubitsky