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Column: Spiritual Psychology
Lying isn’t nice. All moral codes single it out for condemnation. The ninth Commandment says “don’t bear false witness.” Yet there are exceptions. Even the bible sanctions “righteous lying.” Consider the story of Rahab, the “harlot” of Jericho, hiding Joshua’s spies and lying to the officials saying she sent them away. Or the most notorious lie of Abraham telling Isaac that a lamb is waiting for sacrifice at the top of the mountain when he was intending to sacrifice Isaac.
So taking the wiggle room for lying, here’s a useful lie that I highly recommend— one that I firmly believe is righteous. It addresses a distortion that is otherwise almost impossible to correct: Never admit that you have retired. LIE!
Say anything but that you have retired: "They forced me out, downsized me, were seeking younger workers, made it uncomfortable for me to continue, or some other imaginative lie. But don’t use the R word because it will stick to you more tenaciously than crazy glue. Worse, when people see the glowing R branded on your forehead, it will become your new identity: “So how’s retirement?”; “Are you keeping busy?”; “Are you finding things to do?”; “Doing much with your time?”
But lie about retirement and even if you get some work slinging Big Macs at McDonald’s, or greeting customers at Wal-Mart, people will say, “thank God he found some work. Those bastards forced him out.” You will get respect!
More than a decade ago I left a secure tenured full professorship when an attractive retirement package was offered. I was barely at the age for eligibility for full benefits and was tempted. It was an offer that was hard to refuse. Ratcheting up the lure was the fact that a graduate program that I was directing had been eliminated and I didn’t want to return to teaching courses that I had lost interest in. Making the move, though, would not be easy. As with many major life transitions there was the anxiety of lost status. And I was certainly anxious about my future. “Would I find satisfying and productive things to do?”
While in the throes of this dilemma I attended a weekend workshop with Tibetan Buddhist Sogyal Rinposhe, author of the Tibetan Book of The Living and Dying. I had heard about people who were mulling over a pressing issue when a guru or spiritual teacher looked right at them and addressed their preoccupation. I was always skeptical about that. But on the first day of the workshop Sogyal Rimposhe in talking about the Buddhist principal of attachment looked directly at me and said: “When you die you have to leave your job.”" That simple but profound insight tipped the attachment balance for me. I took the package.
My anxiety about losing professional status lasted about three weeks. I accepted an offer to direct a small Gerontology Certificate Program at Marymount Manhattan College. I was back in play but in a more limited and focused fashion. It was a part time position. That was fine. I didn’t want all the baggage that comes with a full time academic job and wanted time to pursue new interests—and that began to be happen
Soon afterwards I launched a twice weekly commentary, "The Longevity Report," on WEVD Radio in New York City. During the seven years of the Longevity report (the station was bought by ESPN/Disney and went all sports) my feature was twice nominated for the Alfred I duPont award in broadcast journalism. Later I translated that radio commentary into print Journalism for the Scripps Howard News Service and then extended that with frequent lengthier commentary and op-ed pieces, mainly on "the baby boomers," health care, aging issues, and a variety of other subjects. In addition I continued my longstanding role as consultant for a publishing company as well as other professional activities. I was busy, active, and involved with a much fuller plate than I had before my “retirement.”
My story is not unique. Second and third careers are rapidly becoming more the norm than the exception. “Retirees” are forging new directions for their lives that they are puruing with enthusiasm and hard work. My friend Kurt Johnson recently retired after a series of formidable careers including a long stint as a distinguished evolutionary biologist. Kurt, though, hasn’t pulled back or slowed down. He’s firing on all cylinders passionately leading and developing the Coalition for One voice along with other talented volunteers, many of whom are officially retired from long successful careers. The Coalition For One Voice, committed to promoting the evolution of consciousness toward an enlightened society through dialogue, activism, and bringing together hundreds of likeminded organizations, is growing a powerful base that is poised to positively impact many of the pressing issues that threaten civilization and the viability of our planet. There’s no pay for the long hours that Kurt and others put in with love and selflessness—-but there is a big payoff for their efforts for all of us—- They’re not thinking R, and the R word doesn’t fit.
Similarly, in leaving my University position I didn’t think retirement —just the end of one chapter and the beginning of a new one. But that’s not how others saw it.
Friends, relatives, and former colleagues would ask, “so how’s retirement,” and all those other annoying dismissive questions. Reciting a litany of activities didn’t stop the R questions.
William Hamilton writing in the New York Times (4-21-08), advises that you should call the activities you undertake after retiring from your career job “work” to insure that it gets respect. Nice idea, but calling it work won’t work! The R word obliterates “work;” people only see the R. And it doesn’t even matter if you are getting paid or not—who cares if money is involved? It’s R work—and therefore not real.
There’s only one effective solution.LIE! “I didn’t retire I was________________.”
Many persuasive images in upbeat magazines have shown us that age 50 is the new 30 and 70 the new 50. But what has slipped past our attention is that increasing numbers of retirees are the new workaholics—frequently driven by enthusiasm and satisfaction, not compulsion. These older adults are making more conscious choices than earlier in their lives—working harder and enjoying it more. I meet them every day. You can too—if you get past the R word.
(My recently published book "Escape Your Own Prison: Why We Need Spirituality and Psychology to be Truly Free" is now available at Amazon.com,
Barnes
& Noble.com and other major book outlets.)
— — —
Bernard Starr, Ph.D., formerly professor of developmental and educational psychology at the City University of New York, now teaches “Spirituality in Film” and leads “The Spiritual Forum” at Marymount Manhattan College. In addition to his work in radio, he is a longtime contributor of commentary and opinion articles to numerous major publications. He is also the President of the Association for Spirituality and Psychotherapy and is the main United Nations representative for the Institute of Global Education that founded the Mucherla Global School in Mucherla, India. "Escape Your Own Prison: Why We Need Spirituality and Psychology to be Truly Free" is published by Rowman and Littlefield (Oct. 2007). ). He can be reached at: starrone@aol.com. © Copyright 2008 by Bernard Starr.
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