Name:
Email:
Larry and I are having our kitchen redone. The contractors started the job last Wednesday by ripping out the cabinet doors, drawers, and counter tops. They were supposed to come back on Friday to install the new kitchen. Instead they didn’t show up nor did they reply to our phone messages. I felt betrayed. I trusted that the contractor would complete the job at the promised time. I had given a deposit. And now not only was my kitchen a mess, but I had no inkling of when the job would be complete. It felt as though I’d been stabbed in the heart and I was vulnerable and helpless.
Betrayal is one of the core issues that affects all relationships, but is especially hurtful in romantic relationships. After all, the romantic ideal of relationships is “you will meet all my needs and I will meet all your needs and we’ll live happily ever after.” Of course romantic idealism often gives way to 24/7 living together realities. Scientists say that the consuming passion of romance only lasts two to four years. Once the dopamine induced addictive drive wears off, the dreams of “we” reverts to the dreams of “me.”
Carolyn Myss, in her book Sacred Contracts, describes what she calls “essential betrayals.” An essential betrayal is a blessing in disguise, according to Myss. Essential betrayals force people to release their illusory expectations and dependencies. They force people to either deepen their spiritual connection or to perpetuate the same kind of illusory expectations.
I don’t want to minimize the idea that people in relationships are capable of hurting one another deeply. People in relationships, because of their closeness, learn exactly what it is that will push their mates’ buttons to the point of pain. Of course, not all betrayal is deliberate and that’s where spiritual understanding is most important. The idea here is that every person in a relationship has unexamined assumptions of what a perfect relationship is supposed to look like; if those assumptions are unmet, then that’s grounds for getting angry, blaming the other, and/or ending the relationship.
A client of mine keeps seeking out men who will take care of her financially. Initially, she wasn’t conscious that financial security was her motivation for mating. She’s a charming, beautiful woman and after a succession of live in lovers, found a rich dentist whom she thought would finally provide for her in a style to which she had yet become accustomed. And he did, for a while until she developed terrible pains from having twisted her back while lifting a heavy table. Of course, her pain made her helpless, which escalated her dependency and emotional neediness. To her husband, she was becoming a burden. While he was able to take care of her financial needs, he wasn’t able to take care of her emotional needs. He felt drained and began leaving for work earlier and coming home later. She felt betrayed. The marriage ended in a messy divorce.
Her second marriage followed a similar path. She married an emotionally unavailable man for financial security. Her physical pain came back, her dependency and neediness increased. He withdrew. She complained. He withdrew more. She felt betrayed.
After some time in counseling she realized that the betrayals served a very deep spiritual purpose: the betrayals allowed her relationship script to surface. What was her script? Her script was that men were here to meet all my needs as I dictated them. In other words, she didn’t love the men she got involved with for who they were; she loved them for what they could do for her. When they couldn’t do for her what she thought she needed, she felt betrayed. In truth, she was being liberated from her belief that she couldn’t take care of herself.
Another client, a male was in a relationship with a woman who had a developmentally disabled son. While my client loved the woman very much, in his soul, he could not take on the role of “father” for her son that she wanted him to fulfill. She felt betrayed. My client, in being true to his own soul, could not play the role she was assigning to him in her life’s script.
In both of the cases described above, the women chose men who could not live up to their expectations. They were experiencing Myss’ “essential betrayals.” In each case, being betrayed was offering the women a choice: repeat the same script over and over perpetuating hurt, or recognize what your personal expectations are so that you can deal with them honestly.
One of my favorite forgiveness exercises is “I forgive you for not being who I want you to be.” The exercise is an affirmation of strength. It allows the “betrayee” to examine his or her own contribution to the betrayal, at the same time releasing the betrayer.
Dr. Sorah Dubitsky, Ph.D., is an author, speaker, teacher and healer. She conducts workshops and seminars on love, marriage, sexuality and spirituality. She also offers individual and couples counseling. She is also a fellow at Florida International University’s Center for the Study of Spirituality. Her book, A Chorus of Wisdom is available at Amazon.com and all major online and retail book outlets. Visit her website. Send an email to dr.sorah@drsorah.com. © copyright 2008 by Dr. Sorah Dubitsky
Permalink
Add your comments